Perseverance

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4

I have these verses taped to my bathroom mirror and have had for over a year.  I’ve always thought that James was a little bit crazy for writing this.  “Pure joy” is facing trials of many kinds?!  The man must have been certifiably insane.  Seriously, the ridiculousness of the suggestion is astounding.  Who has joy in the face of trials?  It’s not reasonable.

I think it’s easy to misinterpret this verse as a call to deny reality.  When problems come, we should rejoice instead of despair because we know that God will use the situation for our good.  So be happy that your husband cheated on you!  Celebrate your diagnosis of a chronic disease!

Uhh…no thanks.  If that’s what these verses mean, count me out.

After my husband’s arrest, I glared at these verses on my mirror.  I remember thinking that I would never thank God for what had happened.  I could go along with it (I didn’t have much choice, after all), I could trust him to bring good out of it, I could agree with my head if not my heart that God knows best, but I would never rejoice in it.  Never.

Months passed, and I found myself one day saying “Thank you.”  I was surprised.  Was I really thanking God for what happened?  I clarified that I was thanking God for the good he has already brought about, but not for allowing my husband to be arrested.  But I was more aware of the changes in my heart.  I realized I was no longer glaring when I looked at the verses on the mirror.

I have since reached a place where I do thank God for the arrest itself.  I am thankful to him for doing what I could never have done.  I still wish there had been another way, a way that would not have caused so many innocent people so much pain, but I don’t know what they way would have been.  After just a few months, I can honestly say that I am glad my husband was arrested.

I still don’t consider what happened “pure joy,” and I don’t think I ever will.  But the rest of the passage has come to life for me in amazing ways.  I have grown and matured so much in the past few months.  I have learned so much and have an increased awareness of and sensitivity to spiritual issues around me.  By no means do I consider myself “mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  I don’t think that will ever happen.  But I’m on my way that direction, and I like it - despite the pain and trauma that jumpstarted the process.

Why can’t we jump to the maturity and completeness without the perseverance?  I long to keep growing the way I have been, but I dread the future “trials of many kinds” that might get me there.  I want the growth, but I don’t want the pain.  Why does it have to be a package deal?

I know that my character is so much more important to God than my circumstances.  There are times when I say, “God, I want to be mature.  I want to be complete.  Please use my circumstances to refine my character.”  And then I realize that I’m basically asking for more pain and trials of many kinds…and I adjust my prayer a bit.  “Wait, I didn’t really mean that…”

I’m not quite ready to say, “Bring it on.”  I don’t really want more challenging circumstances in my life.  But I do want the maturity and wisdom that such circumstances can bring.  And I know that rejoicing in trials does not mean there is no pain – the joy does not replace the pain but instead exists beside it - joy and pain linked together in an inexplicable conundrum.  I still don’t understand why God chooses to use tragedy as the training ground for maturity, but I am now able to truly rejoice about the growth I have experienced as a result of the tragedy in my life.

Letter to the church

I wrote this letter to our church as they wrestle with the idea of my husband attending services again.  I post it here because I think it can apply to The Church as a whole, as well.

                For ten years I prayed that God would take away my husband’s porn addiction.  I believed that God wanted him to be porn-free, I desperately wanted him to be porn-free, and I believed that he sincerely wanted to be free of porn as well.  Isn’t that the formula for answered prayers – pray in agreement with God, pray in agreement with each other, and it “shall be given unto you?”

When my husband was arrested, I knew that God was finally answering my prayer.  But I didn’t understand why he chose to do it this way.  It seemed that a quiet healing would have been much better than the publicity of an arrest.  So many people were hurt, and so much shame was brought on the name of Christ and on my family.  How could this possibly be the best thing for anyone?

It has taken a long time, but I’ve come to realize that God loves us too much to give us a quick fix.  Taking away my husband's addiction would have fixed his behavior, but it wouldn’t have done anything to fix his heart.  As painful and shameful as his arrest has been, I am grateful that God was willing to do whatever it took to capture his heart.

And capture his heart he has.  My husband is reading his Bible, praying, and talking about God like he has never done before.  Instead of pride and defensiveness, he shows humility and a willingness to look honestly at himself.  Instead of anger, he has peace.  Instead of judging others, he extends grace and patience.  He is truly a different man than he was a year ago.  It’s not just his behavior that has changed, his heart has been transformed as well.

I also have a suspicion that the publicity of his arrest and healing was for your benefit.  As messy as this situation is, this is your chance to show the grace of God to our community.  Over the past year, the church has come together in support of my family in amazing ways.  You have truly reflected the beauty of Christ and his church, and I thank you for the love and support offered to me and my family. 

I ask that this extension of grace continue as my husband returns to our congregation.  I ask that you look not only at his faults, but also at what God is doing in his heart.  I invite you to use our story to share with others the love, grace, and forgiveness of Christ.  I ask that you become part of bringing a beautiful ending to a story with such an ugly beginning.

With affection and appreciation.

Unable

                The past couple of months have been tough.  Can I just say that reconciliation is hard?  I feel like I have the best circumstances for reconciliation; I want to reconcile, my husband wants to reconcile, my husband is doing the work he needs to do and making the changes he needs to make.  And yet it’s still stinking hard! 

                I think I had the idea that as long as my husband was progressing and growing, our relationship would progress as well.  It took me a few weeks to realize that it wasn’t going to be that easy, and another week or two to reach the point where I honestly wondered if reconciliation would ever be possible.  I wondered if our marriage and my heart were so broken that no amount of time or growth on his part would be able to mend them. 

                In other words, I reached a point where I said, “God, I don’t think I can do this.  I thought I would be able to, but I was wrong.  I am unable to reconcile fully with my husband.  I just can’t do it.” 

                And that’s where God stepped in.

                See, when we reach the end of ourselves and our own abilities, God is there waiting for us.  When we’ve exhausted our own efforts and strengths, we realize that he is ready for us to start relying on him instead of on ourselves.

               

Of course, we have a choice when we reach that point.  All too often, especially in marriages, when we get to the point of realizing that we are not able to do what is asked of us, we give up.  We forget that if God has called us to something, he will make us able.  When we reach the end of ourselves, we need to remember to turn to God instead of just calling it quits.

When I am unable, God is able.  So now I can admit that I am unable to reconcile with my husband without despairing.  I can’t do what needs to be done, but I know that God can.  He will make me able to do what he has called me to do. 

And I’m actually thankful that I’m not able to reconcile with my husband on my own.  Because when the reconciliation happens, it will be all God.  I can’t take any credit for it.  I am too weak, too flawed, too broken to fix my marriage.  I am unable, but God is able. 

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.  Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.  On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly, we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

“And even if our [good news] is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  For the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the [good news] that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God…  For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in [the darkness] of our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

2 Corinthians 4:1-10, with a bit of paraphrase thrown in

Emotions

                Today is the one year anniversary of my husband’s arrest.  I thought I was going to be an emotional mess this week, but I’ve actually held it together better than expected.  Yay!

                We talked a lot about negative emotions at a recent counseling session.  Of course, our counselor would say there are no negative emotions or positive emotions; there are just emotions.  But for the sake of easy communication, I’m going to keep referring to “negative emotions” and trust that you know what I mean.  J

                Many of us have a tendency to get rid of negative emotions as soon as possible, whether they are our own emotions or someone else’s.  If someone is sad, we try to cheer them up.  If someone is anxious, we try to ease their worries. 

My guess is that you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with that?”  Even though these attempts to change someone’s emotions are meant to help that person, they can actually accomplish quite the opposite.

                Our counselor explained it by saying that emotions are meant to be transient.  Emotions are felt in the moment, and when another moment comes along, a new emotion replaces the old one.  Sometimes moments are more like seasons, such as a season of grief, but even seasons have varied moments that bring varied emotions with them.

                The danger of getting rid of negative emotions too quickly is that we can actually be denying or avoiding them.  When an emotion is dealt with in the moment, it passes with the moment.  But when an emotion is pushed to the side and ignored, we end up carrying it with us into future moments and seasons.  The longer we deny our negative emotions, the less transient they become, and the harder it is for us to shake them for good.

                We need to give ourselves and others permission to feel our emotions fully.  If you have a reason to be sad, it’s okay to be fully sad.  If you are grieving, it’s okay to fully grieve.  The way to get rid of negative emotions is to feel them fully, let them run their course, and they will change at the right moment.

                If sadness is an appropriate response to a situation, allow your friend (or yourself) to be sad.  Don’t attempt to change the emotion; validate it.  Anxiety is normal in moments of uncertainty, so instead of trying to ease someone’s worries, empathize by saying, “I’d be pretty anxious if I were in your shoes, too.” 

                A response to this theory is that allowing ourselves to be negative will result in us being negative, depressed people.  “If I allow myself to be sad for a season, I’m not being the positive person I want to be,” for example.  Again, if you have a valid reason to be sad, the best way to get rid of your sadness is to feel it fully.  It’s counter-intuitive, but denying and avoiding your sadness is what makes it stick around longer.  If you want to be a positive person, then allow yourself to be sad when the moment calls for it! 

I’m probably over-simplifying things here.  I’m not a counselor, and if processing negative emotions is something that you struggle with, please know that I am not trying to minimize your struggle or offer a quick fix.  This post is not meant for people who struggle with depression, but for those of us who strive to be “positive” even when we are feeling “negative.”

Basically what I’m saying is, let’s not try to “fix” our emotions.  Let’s give ourselves and others permission to feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.  Instead of denying or attempting to change how we’re feeling, let’s validate and empathize with those emotions.  Let’s “feel it fully,” no matter what “it” is.

Retreat

                I’ve been avoiding writing another blog entry.  I could say that I’ve been too busy – that working on my relationship with my husband is taking up a lot of time that I used to use for writing.  There is a sense in which that is true, but it is also true that I have been playing a lot of Scramble with Friends and Hanging with Friends and reading Agatha Christie novels. 

                The truth is – working on my marriage is hard.  It is highly emotional and leaves me exhausted.  I have a lot of things to process, and less time by myself to process them.  It’s been a difficult month. 

                I’ve taken that exhaustion and emotional stress and retreated into myself (and my iPod).  That’s not healthy.  I know it.  And yet I’m still doing it.  It’s valid to need a break.  But withdrawing and avoidance puts distance in relationships, leaves my responsibilities underdone which affects others, and doesn’t even really help me resolve my emotions or reenergize. 

                At church on Sunday I realized I was just going through the motions.  I was singing words with my mouth but not with my heart.  I was there in body, but my spirit was still retreating.

                I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be present – body, mind, and spirit.  I don’t want to get stuck in retreat mode and miss out on the joys that are right in front of me.  I don’t want to be sloppy in my responsibilities and force others to step in and pick up the pieces.

                So I guess that means my retreat is over.  (Insert heavy sigh.)  It’s time to muster what energy I can and head back into the fray.  I’ll still need breaks, but hopefully I can figure out some healthy ways to reenergize instead of just avoiding…everything.

No, wait – I’ve got a Scramble game waiting for me.  I can stop retreating tomorrow, right?  J