Emotions

                Today is the one year anniversary of my husband’s arrest.  I thought I was going to be an emotional mess this week, but I’ve actually held it together better than expected.  Yay!

                We talked a lot about negative emotions at a recent counseling session.  Of course, our counselor would say there are no negative emotions or positive emotions; there are just emotions.  But for the sake of easy communication, I’m going to keep referring to “negative emotions” and trust that you know what I mean.  J

                Many of us have a tendency to get rid of negative emotions as soon as possible, whether they are our own emotions or someone else’s.  If someone is sad, we try to cheer them up.  If someone is anxious, we try to ease their worries. 

My guess is that you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with that?”  Even though these attempts to change someone’s emotions are meant to help that person, they can actually accomplish quite the opposite.

                Our counselor explained it by saying that emotions are meant to be transient.  Emotions are felt in the moment, and when another moment comes along, a new emotion replaces the old one.  Sometimes moments are more like seasons, such as a season of grief, but even seasons have varied moments that bring varied emotions with them.

                The danger of getting rid of negative emotions too quickly is that we can actually be denying or avoiding them.  When an emotion is dealt with in the moment, it passes with the moment.  But when an emotion is pushed to the side and ignored, we end up carrying it with us into future moments and seasons.  The longer we deny our negative emotions, the less transient they become, and the harder it is for us to shake them for good.

                We need to give ourselves and others permission to feel our emotions fully.  If you have a reason to be sad, it’s okay to be fully sad.  If you are grieving, it’s okay to fully grieve.  The way to get rid of negative emotions is to feel them fully, let them run their course, and they will change at the right moment.

                If sadness is an appropriate response to a situation, allow your friend (or yourself) to be sad.  Don’t attempt to change the emotion; validate it.  Anxiety is normal in moments of uncertainty, so instead of trying to ease someone’s worries, empathize by saying, “I’d be pretty anxious if I were in your shoes, too.” 

                A response to this theory is that allowing ourselves to be negative will result in us being negative, depressed people.  “If I allow myself to be sad for a season, I’m not being the positive person I want to be,” for example.  Again, if you have a valid reason to be sad, the best way to get rid of your sadness is to feel it fully.  It’s counter-intuitive, but denying and avoiding your sadness is what makes it stick around longer.  If you want to be a positive person, then allow yourself to be sad when the moment calls for it! 

I’m probably over-simplifying things here.  I’m not a counselor, and if processing negative emotions is something that you struggle with, please know that I am not trying to minimize your struggle or offer a quick fix.  This post is not meant for people who struggle with depression, but for those of us who strive to be “positive” even when we are feeling “negative.”

Basically what I’m saying is, let’s not try to “fix” our emotions.  Let’s give ourselves and others permission to feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.  Instead of denying or attempting to change how we’re feeling, let’s validate and empathize with those emotions.  Let’s “feel it fully,” no matter what “it” is.