Letter to the church

I wrote this letter to our church as they wrestle with the idea of my husband attending services again.  I post it here because I think it can apply to The Church as a whole, as well.

                For ten years I prayed that God would take away my husband’s porn addiction.  I believed that God wanted him to be porn-free, I desperately wanted him to be porn-free, and I believed that he sincerely wanted to be free of porn as well.  Isn’t that the formula for answered prayers – pray in agreement with God, pray in agreement with each other, and it “shall be given unto you?”

When my husband was arrested, I knew that God was finally answering my prayer.  But I didn’t understand why he chose to do it this way.  It seemed that a quiet healing would have been much better than the publicity of an arrest.  So many people were hurt, and so much shame was brought on the name of Christ and on my family.  How could this possibly be the best thing for anyone?

It has taken a long time, but I’ve come to realize that God loves us too much to give us a quick fix.  Taking away my husband's addiction would have fixed his behavior, but it wouldn’t have done anything to fix his heart.  As painful and shameful as his arrest has been, I am grateful that God was willing to do whatever it took to capture his heart.

And capture his heart he has.  My husband is reading his Bible, praying, and talking about God like he has never done before.  Instead of pride and defensiveness, he shows humility and a willingness to look honestly at himself.  Instead of anger, he has peace.  Instead of judging others, he extends grace and patience.  He is truly a different man than he was a year ago.  It’s not just his behavior that has changed, his heart has been transformed as well.

I also have a suspicion that the publicity of his arrest and healing was for your benefit.  As messy as this situation is, this is your chance to show the grace of God to our community.  Over the past year, the church has come together in support of my family in amazing ways.  You have truly reflected the beauty of Christ and his church, and I thank you for the love and support offered to me and my family. 

I ask that this extension of grace continue as my husband returns to our congregation.  I ask that you look not only at his faults, but also at what God is doing in his heart.  I invite you to use our story to share with others the love, grace, and forgiveness of Christ.  I ask that you become part of bringing a beautiful ending to a story with such an ugly beginning.

With affection and appreciation.

Unable

                The past couple of months have been tough.  Can I just say that reconciliation is hard?  I feel like I have the best circumstances for reconciliation; I want to reconcile, my husband wants to reconcile, my husband is doing the work he needs to do and making the changes he needs to make.  And yet it’s still stinking hard! 

                I think I had the idea that as long as my husband was progressing and growing, our relationship would progress as well.  It took me a few weeks to realize that it wasn’t going to be that easy, and another week or two to reach the point where I honestly wondered if reconciliation would ever be possible.  I wondered if our marriage and my heart were so broken that no amount of time or growth on his part would be able to mend them. 

                In other words, I reached a point where I said, “God, I don’t think I can do this.  I thought I would be able to, but I was wrong.  I am unable to reconcile fully with my husband.  I just can’t do it.” 

                And that’s where God stepped in.

                See, when we reach the end of ourselves and our own abilities, God is there waiting for us.  When we’ve exhausted our own efforts and strengths, we realize that he is ready for us to start relying on him instead of on ourselves.

               

Of course, we have a choice when we reach that point.  All too often, especially in marriages, when we get to the point of realizing that we are not able to do what is asked of us, we give up.  We forget that if God has called us to something, he will make us able.  When we reach the end of ourselves, we need to remember to turn to God instead of just calling it quits.

When I am unable, God is able.  So now I can admit that I am unable to reconcile with my husband without despairing.  I can’t do what needs to be done, but I know that God can.  He will make me able to do what he has called me to do. 

And I’m actually thankful that I’m not able to reconcile with my husband on my own.  Because when the reconciliation happens, it will be all God.  I can’t take any credit for it.  I am too weak, too flawed, too broken to fix my marriage.  I am unable, but God is able. 

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.  Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.  On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly, we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

“And even if our [good news] is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  For the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the [good news] that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God…  For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in [the darkness] of our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

2 Corinthians 4:1-10, with a bit of paraphrase thrown in