The Response

I am glad to write that I did not break my fast early.  I made it all night without eating, successfully skipping lunch and dinner.  I am glad that I did it; however, it was rough enough that I think I will stick to fasting just one meal at a time unless I have good reason to do otherwise.

So what was my reason for fasting two meals?  I started telling you about my visit with my friend, and my thoughts on the unanswered question of why God allows his loved ones to suffer.

During our discussion, my friend said that she does not have an answer to the question, but she does have a response.  Why don’t WE do something?  How can we call God cruel for standing by and allowing the African famine to continue, when we are standing by and allowing the African famine to continue?

Isn’t that a good question?

I’ve been wondering if perhaps God acts in proportion to our actions.  I think of the boy who gave his loaves and fishes to Jesus’ disciples, and Jesus fed more than 5000 people with that small amount of groceries.  Jesus could have conjured food out of nothing, but he waited for someone to say, “Here.  You can have what I’ve got.”  And then, and only then, he did the miracle.

Could it be that, if we truly desire for God to take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice, we must first take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice?  Could it be that we don’t see what he is already doing because we ourselves aren’t doing anything?

I don’t mean to judge harshly.  Americans are very generous people, and the friends who read this blog regularly have shown great generosity to me.  But as a society, as a whole, do we ever give sacrificially?  The boy who gave Jesus his lunch – gave up his lunch.  We have to assume he was willing to go hungry so that others might eat.  He didn’t give out of his surplus; he gave everything he had for that day, despite the suffering he would face because of it.

I think this is an area where we must follow God’s example.  God did not sit in Heaven, look down on suffering, and do nothing.  God left Heaven and joined in our suffering!  God took our suffering upon himself!  He did not take it away (why, oh why…oh, there’s that unanswerable question again…), but he jumped right in and took more than his fair share upon himself. 

When we see suffering, even if we can’t take it away, could we respond by sharing that suffering?  Could we take someone else’s pain upon ourselves, if only for a moment, a day, a meal?

That’s why I fasted yesterday.  I wanted to share in the suffering of the people who are starving in the Horn of Africa right now.  I know that it doesn’t make much sense – my skipping a couple of meals does not directly provide any relief to them or make any difference to anyone other than me.  But a constant ache of hunger is a constant reminder to pray.  And the more severe that ache, the more fervent the prayers.  And the more severe that ache, the more thankful I am for every bite of food I have available to put in my own mouth.

I am so thankful that I have never gone hungry, and I am in no danger of going hungry.  I have a kitchen that is stocked well enough to give me multiple options at every meal.  What a gift that is! 

Yesterday, I kept wondering how people survive on one meal a day.  There is the physical aspect, of course, but also the emotional aspects (grumpiness, unproductiveness, etc.).  I think the worst might be the psychological aspect of not having any hope for another meal.  My heart breaks at the thought.  I endured my hunger because I knew I could end it at any moment I chose.  The people in Africa do not have that luxury.  They are condemned to watch their children starve before their eyes.

God, why don’t you DO something? 

Bri, why don’t YOU do something?

Okay, I will.  This weekend, I am going to make a donation to World Vision to help with the hunger crisis in Africa.  I can’t give very much without causing financial problems for my own little family, but I can cut my grocery & eating out budget for the month, skip a few more lunches, and send the pre-determined savings off to someone who needs food so much more desperately than I do.  And I will pray that God will take my few meals and turn each of them into a meal for thousands.

Perhaps together, God and I CAN do something.  Will you join us?

The following is from mercyusa.org:

On July 20, 2011, the United Nations declared a famine in parts of Somalia.  …  In total, 4 million people are in crisis in Somalia, with 750,000 people at risk of death in the coming four months in the absence of adequate response. Tens of thousands of people have already died, over half of whom are children. Assuming current levels of response continue, famine is expected to spread further over the coming four months.

Malnutritional levels for children have soared.  In many regions of Somalia, 30% to 50% of the children are malnourished. The UN estimates that 29,000 children under the age of five have already died, while 640,000 Somali children are acutely malnourished and at risk of dying, unless helped immediately!

                Here is a link to donate to World Vision.

                The following is from Isaiah 58:

“Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
   only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
   and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
   a day acceptable to the LORD?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
   and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
   and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.”

The Question

                I am grumpy.  I have no patience or motivation to do my chores.  I am having a hard time focusing on words to choose as I write.  Why?  I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

                Just twelve hours without food has changed me more than I would have expected.  I’ve fasted at lunchtime before, but this is the first time I’ve tried to skip two meals in a row.  And I am not sure my resolve is going to make it through the night.  I might end up breaking my fast before breakfast.

                Why am I fasting?  It has to do with a conversation with a friend, the thoughts on my mind for quite a while, and the problems of nations half a world away.

                Last night, I had dinner with a friend who went to grade school through high school with me.  It was very fun to reconnect!  She is in love with Jesus, and it shows through everything that she says.  It was very refreshing and inspiring to spend a couple of hours with her.

                Earlier this year, she spent six months in Africa, and she hopes to return when she can.  Her love for Africa gives her a sensitivity to the issues of poverty, corruption, and abuse that are so rampant throughout the continent.  Some of the stories she shared with me are unbelievably heartbreaking.

                We ended up talking about an issue that I have written about before, and about which I’d already drafted a second blog.  The issue:  the suffering of this world seems to prove that a loving and powerful God does not exist.

                The problem is that human logic creates an equation that looks something like this:  An all-powerful God who is all good would prevent the suffering of the people he loves.  In other words, an all-powerful God plus a good and loving God equals no suffering in the world.  Since there IS suffering in the world, God must either be powerless to stop suffering or lack the desire (the love) to stop it.

                The equation makes sense.  After all, what loving parent would not do everything in his power to prevent his child from being hit by a car, or contracting a disease, or suffering from hunger?  If it were in my power to prevent these things from happening to my son, I would not hesitate or think twice.  So why does God react differently?

                If a man were to have the means to feed his child but instead allowed the child to starve to death, we would not call him a good and loving father.  We would call him a monster and throw him in jail!  So how can we call God good and loving when thousands of children die of starvation every day?

                This issue is all over the Bible.  It’s all over literature.  It’s all over the tv.  The question is everywhere; the answer is nowhere. 

                This is it.  This, to me, is where the claims of the Bible fall apart.  It’s not the resurrection, because a God who can do anything can easily take human form, die, and come back to life.  It’s not creation, or the flood, or the exodus, or any of the other fantastic stories in the Bible, because a God who created scientific principles can easily transcend and manipulate them.  But the claim that God loves people despite allowing so much evil and suffering to fall on them, even though it is in his power to prevent it, just does not make sense.

                God never offers an answer to the question of why he allows (causes?) suffering.  Job asks him pretty boldly, and God’s response (after a significant time of waiting) starts like this:

“‘Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?  Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

“‘Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it?’”  (Job 38:2-5)

God’s response goes on for four chapters like this.  I wish I could post the whole thing for you, but instead I’ll just give you a link.  It’s God at his sarcastic best.  It’s awesome!  Until, of course, we remember that God is saying that he is not going to answer Job’s (our) question. 

Job’s response is, “‘Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know…  My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.’”  (Job 42:3b,5-6)

Basically, God’s response is to give Job a clearer picture of who he is and who Job is.  And that is enough for Job. 

Can it be enough for us?

Can I be satisfied with not having an answer to my question, but instead to know who God is, and who I am?  We crave answers to our questions; we need resolution and order and sense.  When things are left unanswered we feel off-balance, in limbo, anxious.  Can it be that peace comes not through finding the answer, but in finding the God who refuses to give the answer?

Because our equation doesn’t make sense, we conclude that God is either not all-powerful or not loving.  Could we conclude instead that our equation is somehow at fault?  That the God who measured out the earth’s foundations and perfectly calculated its dimensions can transcend an equation created by the logic of men?  Can we observe the hungry children around the world and then look their Father in the eye (so to speak) and say, “You are good and loving, even though you allowed this to happen.”?

I hope we can.  Imagine a life that rejects God because of this broken equation.  That person will suffer during his lifetime, as all people do.  But he will be alone and without hope.  He will have only his logic to comfort him.

Now imagine a life that accepts God despite his refusal to fit into our equation.  That person will suffer during his lifetime, as all people do.  But he will have a Savior holding his hand throughout every trial.  He will have the comfort of a God who not only shows compassion for his pain, but who left the comfort of Heaven to join us in our suffering.  He will have the hope of a future in Heaven where there is no more suffering.  He will have the hope of a God powerful enough to redeem any amount of pain to be used for good.  When he cries out, “God, why don’t you DO something?”, he will know that, in truth, God has already done something.

So…what does this have to do with my fast?  I’ll let you know…tomorrow.

Today

                It has been a very emotional day.  It started at church this morning, with a message on experiencing real relationships.  The way that our church encourages deeper relationships is through promoting community groups, and the pastor did something that I had previously thought would be very appropriate – he told the story of the group that I’ve been a part of for the past three years. 

                I started sobbing.  Something you have to understand about me is that I cry very easily.  I have honestly cried at commercials.  Any heart-felt emotion can make me cry, and when I experience multiple emotions all at once, I lose all control of my tear ducts.  And my breathing.  And the color of my face. 

I find it terribly annoying.

                This morning I felt pride in belonging to such an amazing group of people that we would be called out as the example for others.  I felt grief at seeing my husband in group pictures and knowing that things would never quite be the same again.  I felt the humiliation of our story being made public one more time.  And I felt love for the people who have rallied around us and shown us more grace and compassion and generosity than I could ever have asked for. 

                The relationships that I have through my community group are my primary reason for hoping to stay in the same neighborhood.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to move away, where nobody knows us and we wouldn’t have to tell many people about our past.  We could start over and walk through the grocery store without wondering if we’ll run into former clients and what will happen if we do.  Anonymity is an attractive idea, and it’s not attainable here.  But moving away would mean leaving the people who have been here to help us pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, and I hate that idea more than the possibility of facing an angry ghost.

                I feel that I have not done a good enough job expressing my gratitude to these people.  (One reason is that even the thought makes me start crying.  Yep, that’s right - tears again…)  I love you all so much and am forever indebted to you for your friendship and kindness.  You are Christ incarnate to me and my family, and you deserve to be known and lauded as the Best Community Group ever.

                Then, this afternoon, I learned some information that brought up old desires and current desires that I don’t really know what to do with.  I have had to face the truth that certain career paths that I would like to explore are now outside the realm of possibility for me.  Pathways to the future that might have been perfect, had life been different, are now firmly off-limits. 

                I know it’s silly to grieve the “might-have-been”s, but I do.  It hurts that I can’t realize my dreams because of what my husband has done.  I wish I could go down a certain path, and I can’t.  I know that in an alternate reality, I may never have actually walked down that path, but it would be nice to at least have that option open to me.  I am mourning the loss of something I never had and may never have had, and I am confused about what to do with the desires that remain.

                And finally, I answered a call from my husband while at the grocery store, which I don’t normally do.  I’m happy for the mistake, though, because we discovered that we were both in the same store.  And our son was with me.  We came so close to running into each other.  What would have happened if my son had seen his dad?  It would have been a complete mess.

                I hate that I have to be concerned about running into my husband in public.  I hate that my son can’t even talk to his dad, much less see him.  It’s been three and a half months since they talked, and seven and a half since they’ve seen each other.  I’m hoping that calls will resume next month, and visits by December.  But I don’t know for sure.  I hate that I can't tell my son when his dad is coming home.  I hate that my son has to tell his friends that his dad can’t come home because he got in trouble.  I hate that I have to try to hide his dad’s phone calls and visits so that he doesn’t feel left out and confused. 

                Why is it always the innocent who suffer most?  I hate that about this world…

                It’s been quite a day.

Addendum

                I feel like I need to add a little bit more to my last post.  I wanted to clarify that Douglas Weiss does not recommend masturbation.  Here’s a direct quote from Sex, Men and God:  “If you are reading this book, stop and say aloud, ‘Doug Weiss is not recommending masturbation.’”  I think it was an error on my part not to clarify that in the previous post.

                Also, Weiss warns men who use fantasy or pornography while masturbating against trying to masturbate without such images.  An attempt would merely be a way to “justify” another occurrence of their sin.

                And finally, I’d like to add that, as a woman, I’d prefer to say, “Just don’t do it!”  That seems simple enough to me.  But I am not male.  And I am not an expert.  And since less than 1% of the male population will not masturbate at all, isn’t better to set guidelines in place for our sons, and warn them about the dangers of crossing the lines, then to give them a futile, “Don’t do it!”?  I will choose to defer to a male expert, and the first one I’ve come across is Weiss.

                End of addendum.  J

Sex Glue and Masturbation

Warning:  This blog post is fairly explicit about sexual issues.  If you are under the age of 18, please get your parents’ permission to continue reading.

                I’ve learned a lot about men’s sexuality in the past few months.  I’d like to go ahead and share what I’ve learned, even though I know I’ve probably only scratched the surface. 

                I’ve just finished reading Sex, Men and God by Doulas Weiss.  The basic concept behind the book and Weiss’ counseling practice is the idea of “sex glue.”  Here’s how he describes it:

                “…When a man ejaculates, his brain receives its maximum chemical reward.  Critical to a man’s sexual success is understanding that whatever he looks at while having an ejaculation is what he will sexually connect or ‘glue’ to.  Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object.  I call it ‘sex glue.’”

                Weiss goes on to share an example of a client who grew up on a farm.  In order to achieve privacy, he masturbated in the family’s barn.  During his sexual moments with himself, he chose to look down at his boots.  Until he sought counseling as a 48-year-old, he had never had sex without wearing boots.  And, of course, he had an outrageous boot collection.

                I spoke with a secular counselor a few weeks ago who reiterated this concept in her own way.  She said that a small percentage of internet porn addicts actually “glue” to the computer itself.  In other words, because the addict is looking at a computer while being sexual, the mere sight of a computer at any point throughout his day could turn him on sexually.  She also said that viewing hard core porn can increase a man’s homosexual response.  (If you look at a man while being sexual you will probably increase your response to men.)

                The visual stimulus does not have to be a real physical person or object; if a man fantasizes sexually, he will “glue” to his fantasies.

                To say it yet one more way, the three main components of sex glue are:  what he looks at or visually fantasizes about, the chemical release his body experiences during ejaculation, and the repetition of the stimulus over a period of time.  A man might not “glue” to a visual stimulus if there is no repetition.

                This theory makes so much sense to me because it explains sexual addiction, sexual deviancies, AND sexual faithfulness!  If a man does not “glue” to anything until he is married, he WILL “glue” to his wife.  After time, he will have as much trouble breaking his attachment to his wife as a porn addict will have changing his behaviors.  In the same way, a man who has had multiple sexual relationships and therefore bonded to sexual variety may have a difficult time remaining faithful to his wife.  (The book does not actually make those last two points; they are my own conclusions based on the information provided.)

                The book makes it clear that men can break their sexual attachments and retrain themselves to “glue” to their wives, however.  It’s hard work – well, fairly uncomplicated to explain but requiring sustained and dedicated effort to accomplish.  A man who is in need of retraining his brain should definitely read this book and probably seek counseling in order to achieve success.  Really, I would recommend the book for all men and all married women, as well as any woman in a serious relationship.

                This concept of “sex glue” has implications on the topic of masturbation.  Since the Bible is silent on the topic, the church is fairly silent about it, too.  Weiss offers a thorough examination of the topic in the book.

                He contends that men fall into three groups when it comes to masturbation.  Men in the first group do not have a desire to masturbate.  Weiss has only met fourteen men throughout the years who have never masturbated.  That number might seem surprisingly high to a man, but I would guess it seems shockingly low to a woman.  (It did to me.)

                Men that fall in the second category are able to masturbate without lusting and without attaching to an object or visual stimulus.  He says that, for these men, “the masturbation experience is simply engaging in a bodily function.”

                Masturbators in the third group use fantasy, pornography, and/or objects during the experience.  This type of masturbation is clearly against the teachings of the Bible and will surely lead to unhealthy sexual attachment and therefore sexual conflict and dissatisfaction in marriage.

                So what do we teach our sons about masturbation?  Weiss puts forth some guidelines in his book.  First, he suggests that you limit your son’s masturbation habit to once or twice a week (since that is approximately how often he can expect sex with his wife once married).  Second, he must not use pornography or fantasize.  Third, he must stay connected with himself while masturbating instead of disassociating his person from his behavior.  Disassociating during habitual masturbation will lead to disconnected sex once married.  Fourth and most important, you must check in with your son once a month to see how he is doing following these guidelines.  These conversations will be awkward at first but will gradually become a natural way to have comfortable conversations about all kinds of sexual issues.

                Weiss does not bring this up, but I would add to his list a caution against using masturbation as a form of coping with stress or emotional pain (as discussed in a previous post).

                Weiss does deal with the issue of masturbation in marriage.  His conclusion is that married men should inform their wives of their masturbation activities, and if the wife does not approve, he should restrain himself.  My husband’s counselor told a group of men that it is okay for them to masturbate, but they should fantasize about their wives while doing so, because that would further attach them to their wives.  Weiss counters this idea by suggesting that you may become attached to your “fantasy wife” and therefore become dissatisfied with your real wife because she does not live up to your fantasies.  This subject is thoroughly discussed in the book; one paragraph here does not do the topic justice, but I will leave it at that and again encourage you to read the book.

                The last topic I’d like to share with you is the secular counselor’s view of pornography.  I love it when the secular world validates God’s word!  Here are some terms she used to describe pornography:  “It’s a trainwreck.”  “Porn warps men’s brains.”  “Porn warps men’s view of women and society.”  She recommended some secular books on the subject, but I have not read them yet.  I just think it’s great that secular professionals denounce porn as much as Christians do.  It’s not just for spiritual reasons that pornography is harmful; it is negative in every way, and those who have studied the subject affirm this wholeheartedly.

                I’ll end with another disclaimer:  I’ve only begun to study the subject, so I probably don’t have all the pertinent information to say for sure that Douglas Weiss is spot on.  It seems that way to me at the moment, but I reserve the right to change my views in the future and give you permission to disagree with me as well.  J