Year in Review

            Flashback to January 2011:  My husband and I had gone to marriage counseling in the fall.  I had more hope than ever that his porn addiction was a thing of the past.  Business seemed to be picking up, as well.  Our marriage had a brighter outlook than ever before, and our business had a brighter outlook than ever before.  I expected 2011 to be our best year yet.

February:  My husband was arrested on February 9.  All my expectations for the future were gone, lost to an overwhelming uncertainty.  I grieved hard and had no idea how to move forward.  It wasn’t one day at a time; it was one task at a time. 

March:  My husband was in jail for his birthday and my own.  I hit several low points, including one that made me want a divorce.  I had to deal with selling the business assets and wrapping up other business affairs, which was incredibly stressful.  The future was still completely unknown, but I was beginning to stabilize.

April:  The absolute highlight of the year was my son’s birthday party.  Watching him dance up and down the aisles at Chuck E. Cheese and then stop to whisper in my ear, “I’m so happy,” are memories I will cherish forever.  I began counseling both with a counselor and with the Hidden Hurt group.  I began to have peace about the situation, even though my life was still in limbo.

May:  My husband began to change.  He lost his defensiveness and gained a new love for God.  I changed from wanting a divorce to wanting a separation, to see if these changes would last when he rejoined “the real world.”

June:  My husband was released from jail on June 10.  The rest of the month was pretty rough as we handled some tough conversations and dealt with fresh hurts.  My sister’s family flew in from out of town and we enjoyed some great visits.

July:  We had even more time with extended family.  I rejoiced in actually having a summer!  Working a part-time job instead of 45-60 hrs/week over the summer was heavenly.  We filed our bankruptcy in July, which was actually a lot less painful than I expected.

August:  Things got rocky in my marriage again.  I didn’t let go of hope, but uncertainty didn’t let go of me, either.

September:  My son started kindergarten and loved it!  My husband began proving that he could sustain his changed behavior over time, and I regained some of my hope for the future.

October:  My son was finally reunited with his dad!  To me, this was the biggest step forward so far.  We had a wonderful weekend at the coast with my parents and grandparents, and I realized I wanted a second chance to have a future with my husband.

November:  We began marriage counseling again.  The process of restarting a marriage is pretty tricky, and we definitely experienced ups and downs.

December:  Our separation ended six months after my husband’s release, when he was allowed to move home over weekends.  Just in time for Christmas, he moved home permanently.  My son is very excited to have his dad home again.  We are now trying to figure out a new pattern of life that incorporates the regulations that come with being a registered sex offender.  We are still working out how to live together again, and with healthy communication and boundaries this time.  We’re making lots of mistakes, but we are moving forward.

2011 is undoubtedly the hardest year I have ever lived through.  I have experienced more pain and loss and uncertainty this year than ever before in my life.  And yet I’ve also experienced more growth.  I feel freer, more alive, more at peace than I can remember feeling before.  I think I’ve learned more about myself and about God than ever before.  This has been the hardest year, for sure.  But am I crazy to say that, in some ways, it’s also been the best?

So what will 2012 hold?  Who knows?!  I’m pretty sure there will be pain.  Definitely some struggles.  Hopefully not too many more losses.  Hopefully a renewed relationship with my husband.  Definitely some laughs with my son.  Definitely some love to share with amazing friends and family members.  Hopefully a closer relationship with God who never ceases to surprise me.  And probably a few more blog entries.  J

Happy New Year!

Confession Part 2

                In my last post I discussed the need for confessing to other people as a way to deal with our guilt.  The concept came from Andy Stanley’s podcast series, It Came from Within, which encourages us to focus on our hearts as the source for everything we do.  I ended with the challenging statement that most of us don’t have a safe place to confess.

                Generally speaking, churches are not safe places for confession.  When a “good Christian” hears a confession, he recoils in disgust at such behavior.  He demands that the behavior change immediately.  He questions the “sinner’s” salvation, since you can’t be a Christian and do that. 

                Here’s how Nate Larkin puts it in his book Samson and the Pirate Monks:

You’ve probably seen that poor fellow who decided one day to be honest in a Christian meeting.  Maybe he’d been caught in a sin, so he really had nothing left to lose, or perhaps he was so plagued by guilt that he decided to take the church’s rhetoric about grace and forgiveness at face value and bare his soul in a desperate bid for freedom.

I remember a guy who did that.  As soon as the fateful words were uttered he looked around, hoping somebody would say, “Me, too,” but all he heard were crickets.  After a pause, a curious investigator launched into spiritual cross-examination.  Then a few concerned “ex-sinners” gathered around him and preached a series of sermons disguised as prayers.  Finally, a helpful brother prescribed three Scripture verses to be taken in the morning and at bedtime.  Later, the guy was assigned to a probation officer – excuse me, an “accountability partner” – who would check in on him for a few weeks to make sure he had actually turned around.

In all this religious activity, he heard this message loud and clear:  “You have lost status, boy.  For the foreseeable future, you can forget about being a leader in this group, or even a trusted member.  Maybe later, if you can demonstrate that you have been fully rehabilitated and if you promise never to speak that way again, we will consider reinstating your membership.”

To make matters worse, as he left the meeting that poor guy was struck by the realization that he had just volunteered to become the church’s new topic of conversation.  Suddenly he knew that telephone lines were already humming with the latest “prayer request.”  Next Sunday, his suspicions were confirmed.  The sidelong glances, the awkward silences, the careful distances kept by his former associates, their wives, and others, verified that his disclosure was now common currency in the congregation.

                This story makes me so sad.  Mostly because I know it’s true.  I can see myself in some of the church members represented.  Can you see yourself, too?

                Confession is tricky because it opens a huge can of worms called “Christians who still sin.”  How do we deal with that?  Which sins are acceptable to work on for a while, and which sins must be changed immediately?  Do we pray for the person, offer advice, demote him, carry on as usual, lecture him…???

                Samson and the Pirate Monks is the best book I have read so far that deals with this topic, even though you would have no clue from the title.  The first half of the book is Nate Larkin’s autobiography.  He was a pastor’s kid, and everyone considered him a saint.  But in reality, he just had a really good filter for a pretty ugly heart.  He became a pastor himself, but had enough sense to change careers after he hired his first prostitute.  He struggled with sexual sin throughout his kids’ entire childhoods, and he never told a soul.  He finally sought help from a sex addicts support group after his wife threatened to leave him.  The relationships he formed in that group transformed his heart and his life. 

                The second half of the book explains in some detail about the Samson Society, which he and several friends created at their church and which is now a nationwide fellowship.  According to samsonsociety.ning.com, “The Samson Society is a fellowship of Christian men who are serious about authenticity, community, humility & recovery - serious, not grave.  Samson guys are traveling companions on a great spiritual adventure, not grim pilgrims on a death march to personal holiness.”

                Basically, Larkin and his friends created a safe place for men to confess and journey together – honestly and authentically.  No guilt attached.  No demands for immediate change.  No lectures or demotions.  A place for men tired of carrying the weight of their guilt to finally hear other Christian men say, “Me, too.”

                I was very inspired by the book and would highly recommend it to anyone.  It is a very entertaining and engaging read; one of my favorite sentences is, “To make matters worse, I farted in church.”  Ha!

                So, to tie all these thoughts together, let me ask:  Can we change the culture of today’s churches?  Can we remember that the heart is what counts, not the behavior?  Can we agree to look past the repulsive behavior and look into the heart?  Can we acknowledge that someone brave enough to confess their ugly behavior has their heart pointed in the right direction?  When someone confesses, can the first words out of our mouths be, “I am so proud of you for having the courage to confess?”  Imagine the healing power those words could have on a heart that has long been burdened with guilt!

                If we condemn destructive behaviors upon hearing a confession, we are really encouraging the “sinner” – and everyone who is watching – to continue in secrecy and dishonesty.  This of course has the opposite effect of what we intended; instead of ceasing those behaviors, the “sinner” learns to hide them better, and he is even more trapped than before, his burden is even heavier than before, and his guilt grows faster and more terrible than before.  The same is true for every “sinner” who observed the first guy’s misery.

                If we want to be agents of change in this world, we must find a way to provide safe places for people to confess their porn addictions, prostitution habits, homosexual urges, petty crimes, not-so-petty crimes – anything that will destroy a person from within.  If we can acknowledge that confession is necessary, then let’s work at making it possible.  Maybe for your church that means a Samson Society.  Maybe it means an FMO group or other type of support group.  Maybe it means something completely different.  Whatever it is, let’s figure it out and make it happen.

                As a side note, I would just like to say once again how thankful I am for the people of my church and all my friends and family, who reacted with compassion and love to the disclosure of my husband’s sin.  Thank you for not lecturing or condemning.  Thank you for loving and supporting us through this journey.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Confession Part 1

                In my last post, I wrote about the importance of focusing on our hearts instead of our behavior.  I talked about Andy Stanley’s podcast series, It Came from Within, which is the same subject matter as his book Enemies of the Heart.  Most of the ideas in this post come directly from Stanley’s podcast.

                The first “enemy of the heart” that Stanley covers is guilt.  Guilt creeps into my heart when I wrong someone else.  Guilt is anger and disappointment with myself.  I messed up; I let myself down; I let you down; I let God down; I failed.  That anger and disappointment become a weight that I carry around, and if I don’t resolve my guilt, that weight will follow me into every future relationship.

One way that guilt manifests itself is that it’s difficult to please a guilty person.  A guilty person subconsciously says, “I let myself down.  And since I didn’t meet my own expectations, I can’t allow you to meet my expectations, either.”

Another way that guilt manifests itself is that it often keeps us trapped in destructive behaviors.  Stanley gives the example of a student who cheats on a test.  If the child keeps his action a secret, how likely is it that he will cheat again?  It’s definitely a good possibility, even if the child feels a lot of remorse over his previous action.  But if the child chooses to confess that mistake to his teacher, what are the chances he will cheat again?  Not very high, right?  Facing the consequences of his poor choice will change his heart and his future choices. 

I believe that unconfessed guilt plays a huge role in porn addictions and other addictive behaviors.  The small amount of research I’ve read so far is consistent in saying that you simply cannot break an addiction on your own.  You must confess.  You must involve other people in your journey.  Keeping secrets will condemn you to failure again and again.

If you haven’t guessed it yet, confession is the spiritual discipline that resolves our guilt.  As Stanley says, “Guilt grows in the darkness and is dissipated by the light.”  James 5:16 says,  “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

The modern church has stressed the importance of confessing to God and forgotten the importance of confessing to other people.  Of course we need to confess to God and make sure that our relationship with him is clear of secrets.  (Yes, I am aware of how silly that sounds.  But we all like to pretend we can hide things from God at times, don’t we?)  The confession that brings about life change, however, is made to another person.  Bringing secrets into the light breaks their power; keeping secrets hidden requires dishonesty, deception, and duplicity, and the secrets just grow heavier as time goes on.

Confession to other people is essential to breaking the power of guilt.  But there are a couple of issues that make confession very challenging. 

First, we don’t want to confess because we want to avoid the consequences of our actions.  If we confess something “big,” there will most likely be a lot of relational pain and trauma.  There may be financial repercussions.  In the example of the student who cheated, there might be suspension from school and receiving a poor grade.  We can usually predict the consequences of our actions, and we dread them.  We work hard to avoid them.  The thought of voluntarily facing those consequences is foreign and seemingly insane.

However, if we truly want to change our behavior and – more importantly – heal our hearts, facing consequences is necessary.  Every parent understands the importance of consequences.  They teach us and shape us.  We learn our lessons in life by “reaping what we sow.”  If we truly want to be the best people we can be, we must volunteer to face the consequences of our poor choices head on.

Consider, too, that the consequences of our actions are usually tangible, immediate, and impact a handful of people.  Compare that to the consequences of concealment, which are intangible and therefore often difficult to predict or observe.  It’s easy to pretend that concealment is not having any effect on us at all.  But guilt that lurks under the radar, undetected and/or ignored, impacts most of our relationships throughout our whole lifetime.  It lingers, and it decays, slowly and steadily.  Our secrets eat away at us, day by day, year by year.  Which set of consequences is better?

                But even when we realize that facing the consequences of our actions is truly better for us than concealment, even if we find the courage to face those consequences, most of us don’t have a safe place to confess.

                And that is a topic I will discuss further in my next post.  J

Heart

                The other day I called a stranger an idiot.  Sometimes, I cuss without even having a good reason.  And there are times when I speak pretty rudely to other drivers.

                Of course, the other drivers can’t hear me.  And I was also in my car when I observed the idiot, so he didn’t hear me either.  And I don’t actually say the cuss words out loud; I just think them in my head.  So – no harm, no foul, right?

                I recently listened to a podcast series by Andy Stanley called It Came from Within.  The underlying premise is that our behavior is driven by what is in our hearts.  All those things we do that make us say, “I don’t know where that came from!” – they come from our hearts.  Matthew 12:34:  “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”  Proverbs 4:23:  “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

However, we give most of our attention to our behavior instead of what’s going on in our hearts.  Andy Stanley calls this practice “applying a filter.”  We all know that calling someone an idiot is going to lead us into trouble, so we have a filter in place that prevents us from doing so.  But as soon as we are removed from that person, the filter goes down and out of our mouths come the words that our hearts have already applied – “What an idiot!”  A disturbing example of this is that, according to a survey quoted by Andy Stanley, a large percentage of people would murder someone if they knew they could get away with it.  (?!)  Their filters keep them from committing murder because they understand the consequences of such an action.  But their hearts – their hearts have it all planned out already.

This concept really informs the issue of parenting.  Ironically (providentially?), I began reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp right after listening to Stanley’s podcast.  The book is based on the same premise, with a specific focus on parenting.  When a child misbehaves, do we focus on his behavior or on his heart?  If we don’t teach our kids to examine their hearts, we run the risk of teaching them how to form a really good filter for their really ugly hearts.

I am not satisfied with a good filter, for me or for my son.  I’m glad I don’t cuss out loud, but I don’t want to cuss in my head, either.  I want a pure heart, from which flow kindness and respect, even for idiots.

This concept is what makes Christianity so freeing.  Christianity is not a long list of do’s and don’ts, despite the many variations of such a list.  Christianity is not a long checklist of good deeds necessary for membership:  random act of kindness (check, moving on), give 10% to the church (check, moving on), forgive someone who hurt you (oops, better skip this one for now)… 

Christianity is about giving your heart to Christ.  End of checklist.

Christ is not interested in filters.  He is interested in hearts.  He doesn’t care about changing your behavior.  He cares about changing your heart.  He knows that if you will allow him to transform your heart, your behavior will follow because, “everything you do flows from [your heart].”  Your heart is primary; behavior is secondary.

This is freedom!  This is the gospel of grace! 

It’s that simple, and yet so complicated.  It’s done in an instant, and yet it won’t be finished after a lifetime of progress.  It’s not a list of things that you HAVE to do, but a list of things that you will begin to do naturally as your heart is transformed, piece by piece.

You see, when we give our hearts to Christ, we imagine that we have given him the whole thing.  But each of us has some things lurking and hiding in the dark corners of our hearts.  We might not even know that those places are there, much less be aware of what is hiding there.   Those behavioral slips – those breakdowns of our filters – can be keys to showing us what we are still holding back, unsurrendered to Christ’s transformative power.   

We can use our behavior to monitor our hearts.  When that cuss word pops out, examine what’s going on inside.  If you can’t break your porn addiction, examine what’s going on in your heart.  If you really don’t like a particular person, ask your heart why.  You can try to improve your filter if you’d like – “I won’t cuss.  I won’t cuss.  I SWEAR I won’t cuss!”  But if you focus your energy on merely improving your filter, your battle for better behavior will never end.  (See Colossians 2:22-23.)  If we instead turn our focus onto our hearts, we can address the underlying problems and our behavior will change accordingly.

Note that I said “if you will allow him to transform your heart.”  It is Christ that transforms us, but it is our job to surrender.  And surrender can be hard.  Those hidden vices are stubborn and don’t like to be scrubbed out of our hearts.  Andy Stanley’s podcast series talks about four enemies of the heart and the spiritual exercises that are required to get rid of them.  The remedies are spiritual exercises, disciplines that require dedication and perseverance.  They aren’t easy, and they aren’t quick.  But they are absolutely necessary if you want to fully surrender your heart to Christ.

In addition to the podcasts, Stanley wrote a book on the subject, called Enemies of the Heart.  I downloaded the podcasts from iTunes, but it doesn’t look like they are available anymore.  However, my pastors have been doing a sermon series based on the book, which you can listen to at westportchurch.org.  I would highly recommend pursuing any of these resources to learn what the four enemies are and which spiritual exercises correspond to them.

I will tell you that the first enemy is guilt, and I plan to blog more about the subject in my next post.  J

Reunion

                After 8 months and 12 days, my son got to see his dad last weekend.  Yay!!!!!!!

                I really expected that there would be some sort of negative backlash – anger, regression, fits when it was time to say goodbye…something.  But there wasn’t.  My son was just really excited to see his dad, didn’t ask a lot of questions, and took the new way of life in stride.  He is amazing.  God is amazing. 

                God has been so faithful to protect my son through this.  I can’t believe how resilient he is and how well he adapts to changes.  I know that part of it is childlike faith and innocence, but I also know that part of it is supernatural protection from God.  Thank you all for praying for him – I am confident your prayers have made a difference in his little life.

                The first reunion was actually two weekends ago.  This past weekend all three of us were able to go to the beach with my extended family.  It was a fabulous trip!  The weather was so mild that the water wasn’t too cold (although we didn’t get wet on purpose – but that’s another story!  J).  There was no wind; it felt more like a lucky summer day at the beach instead of the last weekend of October.  Amazing!  Again, God is so good.

                This reunion is a huge step forward in our journey, but the journey continues.  I will keep you updated as we go along, and again, THANK YOU for your prayers!!!

Rhythm of My Soul

     This is a song I wrote in college.  I stumbled across it last night and thought I would like to share it.  I don't remember the tune, though.  :(

Lord, how do I say what I'm feeling right now?
I'm lonely; I feel like I've lost you somehow.
I long for your arms to hold me so close
that your heartbeat is the rhythm of my soul.

Lord, I long for your voice to calm all of my fears. 
And I long for your hand to dry all of my tears.
I long for your sweet breath to fall on my cheek,
and to rest in your presence, humbled and weak.

     The only part of the song that I've remembered throughout the years is the imagery of being so close to God that his heartbeat is what motivates my soul.  If we all march to the beat of a different drum, I want my drum to be the one pounding in the heart of God.  May his concerns be my concerns, his passions be my passions, his music be my music, his heart be my heart. 

     So close to God that his heartbeat is the rhythm of my soul...that's what I want to be.

The Response

I am glad to write that I did not break my fast early.  I made it all night without eating, successfully skipping lunch and dinner.  I am glad that I did it; however, it was rough enough that I think I will stick to fasting just one meal at a time unless I have good reason to do otherwise.

So what was my reason for fasting two meals?  I started telling you about my visit with my friend, and my thoughts on the unanswered question of why God allows his loved ones to suffer.

During our discussion, my friend said that she does not have an answer to the question, but she does have a response.  Why don’t WE do something?  How can we call God cruel for standing by and allowing the African famine to continue, when we are standing by and allowing the African famine to continue?

Isn’t that a good question?

I’ve been wondering if perhaps God acts in proportion to our actions.  I think of the boy who gave his loaves and fishes to Jesus’ disciples, and Jesus fed more than 5000 people with that small amount of groceries.  Jesus could have conjured food out of nothing, but he waited for someone to say, “Here.  You can have what I’ve got.”  And then, and only then, he did the miracle.

Could it be that, if we truly desire for God to take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice, we must first take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice?  Could it be that we don’t see what he is already doing because we ourselves aren’t doing anything?

I don’t mean to judge harshly.  Americans are very generous people, and the friends who read this blog regularly have shown great generosity to me.  But as a society, as a whole, do we ever give sacrificially?  The boy who gave Jesus his lunch – gave up his lunch.  We have to assume he was willing to go hungry so that others might eat.  He didn’t give out of his surplus; he gave everything he had for that day, despite the suffering he would face because of it.

I think this is an area where we must follow God’s example.  God did not sit in Heaven, look down on suffering, and do nothing.  God left Heaven and joined in our suffering!  God took our suffering upon himself!  He did not take it away (why, oh why…oh, there’s that unanswerable question again…), but he jumped right in and took more than his fair share upon himself. 

When we see suffering, even if we can’t take it away, could we respond by sharing that suffering?  Could we take someone else’s pain upon ourselves, if only for a moment, a day, a meal?

That’s why I fasted yesterday.  I wanted to share in the suffering of the people who are starving in the Horn of Africa right now.  I know that it doesn’t make much sense – my skipping a couple of meals does not directly provide any relief to them or make any difference to anyone other than me.  But a constant ache of hunger is a constant reminder to pray.  And the more severe that ache, the more fervent the prayers.  And the more severe that ache, the more thankful I am for every bite of food I have available to put in my own mouth.

I am so thankful that I have never gone hungry, and I am in no danger of going hungry.  I have a kitchen that is stocked well enough to give me multiple options at every meal.  What a gift that is! 

Yesterday, I kept wondering how people survive on one meal a day.  There is the physical aspect, of course, but also the emotional aspects (grumpiness, unproductiveness, etc.).  I think the worst might be the psychological aspect of not having any hope for another meal.  My heart breaks at the thought.  I endured my hunger because I knew I could end it at any moment I chose.  The people in Africa do not have that luxury.  They are condemned to watch their children starve before their eyes.

God, why don’t you DO something? 

Bri, why don’t YOU do something?

Okay, I will.  This weekend, I am going to make a donation to World Vision to help with the hunger crisis in Africa.  I can’t give very much without causing financial problems for my own little family, but I can cut my grocery & eating out budget for the month, skip a few more lunches, and send the pre-determined savings off to someone who needs food so much more desperately than I do.  And I will pray that God will take my few meals and turn each of them into a meal for thousands.

Perhaps together, God and I CAN do something.  Will you join us?

The following is from mercyusa.org:

On July 20, 2011, the United Nations declared a famine in parts of Somalia.  …  In total, 4 million people are in crisis in Somalia, with 750,000 people at risk of death in the coming four months in the absence of adequate response. Tens of thousands of people have already died, over half of whom are children. Assuming current levels of response continue, famine is expected to spread further over the coming four months.

Malnutritional levels for children have soared.  In many regions of Somalia, 30% to 50% of the children are malnourished. The UN estimates that 29,000 children under the age of five have already died, while 640,000 Somali children are acutely malnourished and at risk of dying, unless helped immediately!

                Here is a link to donate to World Vision.

                The following is from Isaiah 58:

“Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
   only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
   and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
   a day acceptable to the LORD?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
   and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
   and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.”

The Question

                I am grumpy.  I have no patience or motivation to do my chores.  I am having a hard time focusing on words to choose as I write.  Why?  I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

                Just twelve hours without food has changed me more than I would have expected.  I’ve fasted at lunchtime before, but this is the first time I’ve tried to skip two meals in a row.  And I am not sure my resolve is going to make it through the night.  I might end up breaking my fast before breakfast.

                Why am I fasting?  It has to do with a conversation with a friend, the thoughts on my mind for quite a while, and the problems of nations half a world away.

                Last night, I had dinner with a friend who went to grade school through high school with me.  It was very fun to reconnect!  She is in love with Jesus, and it shows through everything that she says.  It was very refreshing and inspiring to spend a couple of hours with her.

                Earlier this year, she spent six months in Africa, and she hopes to return when she can.  Her love for Africa gives her a sensitivity to the issues of poverty, corruption, and abuse that are so rampant throughout the continent.  Some of the stories she shared with me are unbelievably heartbreaking.

                We ended up talking about an issue that I have written about before, and about which I’d already drafted a second blog.  The issue:  the suffering of this world seems to prove that a loving and powerful God does not exist.

                The problem is that human logic creates an equation that looks something like this:  An all-powerful God who is all good would prevent the suffering of the people he loves.  In other words, an all-powerful God plus a good and loving God equals no suffering in the world.  Since there IS suffering in the world, God must either be powerless to stop suffering or lack the desire (the love) to stop it.

                The equation makes sense.  After all, what loving parent would not do everything in his power to prevent his child from being hit by a car, or contracting a disease, or suffering from hunger?  If it were in my power to prevent these things from happening to my son, I would not hesitate or think twice.  So why does God react differently?

                If a man were to have the means to feed his child but instead allowed the child to starve to death, we would not call him a good and loving father.  We would call him a monster and throw him in jail!  So how can we call God good and loving when thousands of children die of starvation every day?

                This issue is all over the Bible.  It’s all over literature.  It’s all over the tv.  The question is everywhere; the answer is nowhere. 

                This is it.  This, to me, is where the claims of the Bible fall apart.  It’s not the resurrection, because a God who can do anything can easily take human form, die, and come back to life.  It’s not creation, or the flood, or the exodus, or any of the other fantastic stories in the Bible, because a God who created scientific principles can easily transcend and manipulate them.  But the claim that God loves people despite allowing so much evil and suffering to fall on them, even though it is in his power to prevent it, just does not make sense.

                God never offers an answer to the question of why he allows (causes?) suffering.  Job asks him pretty boldly, and God’s response (after a significant time of waiting) starts like this:

“‘Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?  Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

“‘Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it?’”  (Job 38:2-5)

God’s response goes on for four chapters like this.  I wish I could post the whole thing for you, but instead I’ll just give you a link.  It’s God at his sarcastic best.  It’s awesome!  Until, of course, we remember that God is saying that he is not going to answer Job’s (our) question. 

Job’s response is, “‘Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know…  My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.’”  (Job 42:3b,5-6)

Basically, God’s response is to give Job a clearer picture of who he is and who Job is.  And that is enough for Job. 

Can it be enough for us?

Can I be satisfied with not having an answer to my question, but instead to know who God is, and who I am?  We crave answers to our questions; we need resolution and order and sense.  When things are left unanswered we feel off-balance, in limbo, anxious.  Can it be that peace comes not through finding the answer, but in finding the God who refuses to give the answer?

Because our equation doesn’t make sense, we conclude that God is either not all-powerful or not loving.  Could we conclude instead that our equation is somehow at fault?  That the God who measured out the earth’s foundations and perfectly calculated its dimensions can transcend an equation created by the logic of men?  Can we observe the hungry children around the world and then look their Father in the eye (so to speak) and say, “You are good and loving, even though you allowed this to happen.”?

I hope we can.  Imagine a life that rejects God because of this broken equation.  That person will suffer during his lifetime, as all people do.  But he will be alone and without hope.  He will have only his logic to comfort him.

Now imagine a life that accepts God despite his refusal to fit into our equation.  That person will suffer during his lifetime, as all people do.  But he will have a Savior holding his hand throughout every trial.  He will have the comfort of a God who not only shows compassion for his pain, but who left the comfort of Heaven to join us in our suffering.  He will have the hope of a future in Heaven where there is no more suffering.  He will have the hope of a God powerful enough to redeem any amount of pain to be used for good.  When he cries out, “God, why don’t you DO something?”, he will know that, in truth, God has already done something.

So…what does this have to do with my fast?  I’ll let you know…tomorrow.

Today

                It has been a very emotional day.  It started at church this morning, with a message on experiencing real relationships.  The way that our church encourages deeper relationships is through promoting community groups, and the pastor did something that I had previously thought would be very appropriate – he told the story of the group that I’ve been a part of for the past three years. 

                I started sobbing.  Something you have to understand about me is that I cry very easily.  I have honestly cried at commercials.  Any heart-felt emotion can make me cry, and when I experience multiple emotions all at once, I lose all control of my tear ducts.  And my breathing.  And the color of my face. 

I find it terribly annoying.

                This morning I felt pride in belonging to such an amazing group of people that we would be called out as the example for others.  I felt grief at seeing my husband in group pictures and knowing that things would never quite be the same again.  I felt the humiliation of our story being made public one more time.  And I felt love for the people who have rallied around us and shown us more grace and compassion and generosity than I could ever have asked for. 

                The relationships that I have through my community group are my primary reason for hoping to stay in the same neighborhood.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to move away, where nobody knows us and we wouldn’t have to tell many people about our past.  We could start over and walk through the grocery store without wondering if we’ll run into former clients and what will happen if we do.  Anonymity is an attractive idea, and it’s not attainable here.  But moving away would mean leaving the people who have been here to help us pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, and I hate that idea more than the possibility of facing an angry ghost.

                I feel that I have not done a good enough job expressing my gratitude to these people.  (One reason is that even the thought makes me start crying.  Yep, that’s right - tears again…)  I love you all so much and am forever indebted to you for your friendship and kindness.  You are Christ incarnate to me and my family, and you deserve to be known and lauded as the Best Community Group ever.

                Then, this afternoon, I learned some information that brought up old desires and current desires that I don’t really know what to do with.  I have had to face the truth that certain career paths that I would like to explore are now outside the realm of possibility for me.  Pathways to the future that might have been perfect, had life been different, are now firmly off-limits. 

                I know it’s silly to grieve the “might-have-been”s, but I do.  It hurts that I can’t realize my dreams because of what my husband has done.  I wish I could go down a certain path, and I can’t.  I know that in an alternate reality, I may never have actually walked down that path, but it would be nice to at least have that option open to me.  I am mourning the loss of something I never had and may never have had, and I am confused about what to do with the desires that remain.

                And finally, I answered a call from my husband while at the grocery store, which I don’t normally do.  I’m happy for the mistake, though, because we discovered that we were both in the same store.  And our son was with me.  We came so close to running into each other.  What would have happened if my son had seen his dad?  It would have been a complete mess.

                I hate that I have to be concerned about running into my husband in public.  I hate that my son can’t even talk to his dad, much less see him.  It’s been three and a half months since they talked, and seven and a half since they’ve seen each other.  I’m hoping that calls will resume next month, and visits by December.  But I don’t know for sure.  I hate that I can't tell my son when his dad is coming home.  I hate that my son has to tell his friends that his dad can’t come home because he got in trouble.  I hate that I have to try to hide his dad’s phone calls and visits so that he doesn’t feel left out and confused. 

                Why is it always the innocent who suffer most?  I hate that about this world…

                It’s been quite a day.

Addendum

                I feel like I need to add a little bit more to my last post.  I wanted to clarify that Douglas Weiss does not recommend masturbation.  Here’s a direct quote from Sex, Men and God:  “If you are reading this book, stop and say aloud, ‘Doug Weiss is not recommending masturbation.’”  I think it was an error on my part not to clarify that in the previous post.

                Also, Weiss warns men who use fantasy or pornography while masturbating against trying to masturbate without such images.  An attempt would merely be a way to “justify” another occurrence of their sin.

                And finally, I’d like to add that, as a woman, I’d prefer to say, “Just don’t do it!”  That seems simple enough to me.  But I am not male.  And I am not an expert.  And since less than 1% of the male population will not masturbate at all, isn’t better to set guidelines in place for our sons, and warn them about the dangers of crossing the lines, then to give them a futile, “Don’t do it!”?  I will choose to defer to a male expert, and the first one I’ve come across is Weiss.

                End of addendum.  J

Sex Glue and Masturbation

Warning:  This blog post is fairly explicit about sexual issues.  If you are under the age of 18, please get your parents’ permission to continue reading.

                I’ve learned a lot about men’s sexuality in the past few months.  I’d like to go ahead and share what I’ve learned, even though I know I’ve probably only scratched the surface. 

                I’ve just finished reading Sex, Men and God by Doulas Weiss.  The basic concept behind the book and Weiss’ counseling practice is the idea of “sex glue.”  Here’s how he describes it:

                “…When a man ejaculates, his brain receives its maximum chemical reward.  Critical to a man’s sexual success is understanding that whatever he looks at while having an ejaculation is what he will sexually connect or ‘glue’ to.  Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object.  I call it ‘sex glue.’”

                Weiss goes on to share an example of a client who grew up on a farm.  In order to achieve privacy, he masturbated in the family’s barn.  During his sexual moments with himself, he chose to look down at his boots.  Until he sought counseling as a 48-year-old, he had never had sex without wearing boots.  And, of course, he had an outrageous boot collection.

                I spoke with a secular counselor a few weeks ago who reiterated this concept in her own way.  She said that a small percentage of internet porn addicts actually “glue” to the computer itself.  In other words, because the addict is looking at a computer while being sexual, the mere sight of a computer at any point throughout his day could turn him on sexually.  She also said that viewing hard core porn can increase a man’s homosexual response.  (If you look at a man while being sexual you will probably increase your response to men.)

                The visual stimulus does not have to be a real physical person or object; if a man fantasizes sexually, he will “glue” to his fantasies.

                To say it yet one more way, the three main components of sex glue are:  what he looks at or visually fantasizes about, the chemical release his body experiences during ejaculation, and the repetition of the stimulus over a period of time.  A man might not “glue” to a visual stimulus if there is no repetition.

                This theory makes so much sense to me because it explains sexual addiction, sexual deviancies, AND sexual faithfulness!  If a man does not “glue” to anything until he is married, he WILL “glue” to his wife.  After time, he will have as much trouble breaking his attachment to his wife as a porn addict will have changing his behaviors.  In the same way, a man who has had multiple sexual relationships and therefore bonded to sexual variety may have a difficult time remaining faithful to his wife.  (The book does not actually make those last two points; they are my own conclusions based on the information provided.)

                The book makes it clear that men can break their sexual attachments and retrain themselves to “glue” to their wives, however.  It’s hard work – well, fairly uncomplicated to explain but requiring sustained and dedicated effort to accomplish.  A man who is in need of retraining his brain should definitely read this book and probably seek counseling in order to achieve success.  Really, I would recommend the book for all men and all married women, as well as any woman in a serious relationship.

                This concept of “sex glue” has implications on the topic of masturbation.  Since the Bible is silent on the topic, the church is fairly silent about it, too.  Weiss offers a thorough examination of the topic in the book.

                He contends that men fall into three groups when it comes to masturbation.  Men in the first group do not have a desire to masturbate.  Weiss has only met fourteen men throughout the years who have never masturbated.  That number might seem surprisingly high to a man, but I would guess it seems shockingly low to a woman.  (It did to me.)

                Men that fall in the second category are able to masturbate without lusting and without attaching to an object or visual stimulus.  He says that, for these men, “the masturbation experience is simply engaging in a bodily function.”

                Masturbators in the third group use fantasy, pornography, and/or objects during the experience.  This type of masturbation is clearly against the teachings of the Bible and will surely lead to unhealthy sexual attachment and therefore sexual conflict and dissatisfaction in marriage.

                So what do we teach our sons about masturbation?  Weiss puts forth some guidelines in his book.  First, he suggests that you limit your son’s masturbation habit to once or twice a week (since that is approximately how often he can expect sex with his wife once married).  Second, he must not use pornography or fantasize.  Third, he must stay connected with himself while masturbating instead of disassociating his person from his behavior.  Disassociating during habitual masturbation will lead to disconnected sex once married.  Fourth and most important, you must check in with your son once a month to see how he is doing following these guidelines.  These conversations will be awkward at first but will gradually become a natural way to have comfortable conversations about all kinds of sexual issues.

                Weiss does not bring this up, but I would add to his list a caution against using masturbation as a form of coping with stress or emotional pain (as discussed in a previous post).

                Weiss does deal with the issue of masturbation in marriage.  His conclusion is that married men should inform their wives of their masturbation activities, and if the wife does not approve, he should restrain himself.  My husband’s counselor told a group of men that it is okay for them to masturbate, but they should fantasize about their wives while doing so, because that would further attach them to their wives.  Weiss counters this idea by suggesting that you may become attached to your “fantasy wife” and therefore become dissatisfied with your real wife because she does not live up to your fantasies.  This subject is thoroughly discussed in the book; one paragraph here does not do the topic justice, but I will leave it at that and again encourage you to read the book.

                The last topic I’d like to share with you is the secular counselor’s view of pornography.  I love it when the secular world validates God’s word!  Here are some terms she used to describe pornography:  “It’s a trainwreck.”  “Porn warps men’s brains.”  “Porn warps men’s view of women and society.”  She recommended some secular books on the subject, but I have not read them yet.  I just think it’s great that secular professionals denounce porn as much as Christians do.  It’s not just for spiritual reasons that pornography is harmful; it is negative in every way, and those who have studied the subject affirm this wholeheartedly.

                I’ll end with another disclaimer:  I’ve only begun to study the subject, so I probably don’t have all the pertinent information to say for sure that Douglas Weiss is spot on.  It seems that way to me at the moment, but I reserve the right to change my views in the future and give you permission to disagree with me as well.  J