Year in Review

            Flashback to January 2011:  My husband and I had gone to marriage counseling in the fall.  I had more hope than ever that his porn addiction was a thing of the past.  Business seemed to be picking up, as well.  Our marriage had a brighter outlook than ever before, and our business had a brighter outlook than ever before.  I expected 2011 to be our best year yet.

February:  My husband was arrested on February 9.  All my expectations for the future were gone, lost to an overwhelming uncertainty.  I grieved hard and had no idea how to move forward.  It wasn’t one day at a time; it was one task at a time. 

March:  My husband was in jail for his birthday and my own.  I hit several low points, including one that made me want a divorce.  I had to deal with selling the business assets and wrapping up other business affairs, which was incredibly stressful.  The future was still completely unknown, but I was beginning to stabilize.

April:  The absolute highlight of the year was my son’s birthday party.  Watching him dance up and down the aisles at Chuck E. Cheese and then stop to whisper in my ear, “I’m so happy,” are memories I will cherish forever.  I began counseling both with a counselor and with the Hidden Hurt group.  I began to have peace about the situation, even though my life was still in limbo.

May:  My husband began to change.  He lost his defensiveness and gained a new love for God.  I changed from wanting a divorce to wanting a separation, to see if these changes would last when he rejoined “the real world.”

June:  My husband was released from jail on June 10.  The rest of the month was pretty rough as we handled some tough conversations and dealt with fresh hurts.  My sister’s family flew in from out of town and we enjoyed some great visits.

July:  We had even more time with extended family.  I rejoiced in actually having a summer!  Working a part-time job instead of 45-60 hrs/week over the summer was heavenly.  We filed our bankruptcy in July, which was actually a lot less painful than I expected.

August:  Things got rocky in my marriage again.  I didn’t let go of hope, but uncertainty didn’t let go of me, either.

September:  My son started kindergarten and loved it!  My husband began proving that he could sustain his changed behavior over time, and I regained some of my hope for the future.

October:  My son was finally reunited with his dad!  To me, this was the biggest step forward so far.  We had a wonderful weekend at the coast with my parents and grandparents, and I realized I wanted a second chance to have a future with my husband.

November:  We began marriage counseling again.  The process of restarting a marriage is pretty tricky, and we definitely experienced ups and downs.

December:  Our separation ended six months after my husband’s release, when he was allowed to move home over weekends.  Just in time for Christmas, he moved home permanently.  My son is very excited to have his dad home again.  We are now trying to figure out a new pattern of life that incorporates the regulations that come with being a registered sex offender.  We are still working out how to live together again, and with healthy communication and boundaries this time.  We’re making lots of mistakes, but we are moving forward.

2011 is undoubtedly the hardest year I have ever lived through.  I have experienced more pain and loss and uncertainty this year than ever before in my life.  And yet I’ve also experienced more growth.  I feel freer, more alive, more at peace than I can remember feeling before.  I think I’ve learned more about myself and about God than ever before.  This has been the hardest year, for sure.  But am I crazy to say that, in some ways, it’s also been the best?

So what will 2012 hold?  Who knows?!  I’m pretty sure there will be pain.  Definitely some struggles.  Hopefully not too many more losses.  Hopefully a renewed relationship with my husband.  Definitely some laughs with my son.  Definitely some love to share with amazing friends and family members.  Hopefully a closer relationship with God who never ceases to surprise me.  And probably a few more blog entries.  J

Happy New Year!