The subject of my guilt has come up several times in the past couple of weeks. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern for me, but I hope you will hear me out on the subject.
I read a book last fall written by a counselor to sexually addicted men. A major premise of the book is that sin is sin, and when couples go to counseling, both parties need to own their sin and work on it. If you are like me, you will rebel against that idea for a while. I was not the one with the problem; my husband was. How dare you turn the focus on me?
It is easy to acknowledge in my head that God views all sin as pretty much equal, but to really accept that premise and live it out in my everyday relationships is tough. Yeah, sure, I have problems. I make mistakes. I sin. But I'm not as bad as my husband, and he's not as bad as that guy over there, and...
When we put sin into categories, it is easy to justify our "small" sins, and even easier to judge someone else for their "big" sins. For sure, different sins have different consequences. No one is going to arrest me for being impatient with my son when he acts his age. My life will not fall apart for passing judgment on complete strangers. And yet, those actions place me squarely in the "sinner" category, right next to my husband.
We can split sins into legal and illegal categories, "victimless" and victimizing. We can feel better about ourselves knowing that we haven't broken the law, that we haven't really hurt anyone. In fact, that little white lie actually helped a friend out, right? No. Sin always hurts someone, even when we can't see it right away. When we forget that, when we think it's not a big deal and we get comfortable with doing the wrong thing, the devil gets happy.
I'm gonna step on some toes here, but consider how many people you know who are comfortable with sharing music and video files. Not only is this illegal, it victimizes the artists who make a living from the sales of their material. This behavior is both illegal and victimizing, and yet a vast majority of Christians are comfortable with it. Now picture this behavior as disgusting to God as my husband's sin. Uncomfortable yet?
On the other hand, accepting this unattractive premise that "sin is sin" encourages compassion to those struggling with "big" sins as well as a desire for absolute purity in my own life. If my inactions toward my husband, regardless of motivation or ignorance, place me in the same category in God's eyes as his actions, how can I live with that another day? If my drinking a Pepsi when I know I shouldn't is the same as his doing something he knew he shouldn't, will I keep reaching for it?
I am reminded of Frank Peretti's novel, The Oath. Why, oh why are we comfortable with sin? We know it will destroy us. We know it is a monster waiting to devour us. We should be running in terror, and yet we accept the "small" sins into our lives as our friends. It will prove to be a decay that oozes from the heart and overtakes us.
So I say, I know that I did not cause my husband's problems. I did not cause the current situation. I do not feel guilty for what he has done. But I am not guilt-less. I know what I am responsible for and I own it. And I desire to be uncomfortable with sin, no matter how small. So I ask that you not ignore my guilt, or try to downplay it. Call it what it is - sin. And forgive me, as you have all made clear that you already have.
"Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.
"Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
"Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.
"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."
excerpts from Psalm 119
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Mash-up
The past couple of days have been very busy. I am trying to do my best to handle the responsibilities that have fallen in my lap. I feel like I'm in over my head, especially given my state of mind right now. I will be very glad when this portion of the mess is over.
Being back at work is helping. It is good to be doing something completely unrelated to my problems, and I am surrounded by such wonderful people. I love PFCN! Thank you all for your prayers, friendship, and support. I am so blessed to be a part of your church.
I've started listening to a lot of music again. There have been plenty of times in the past when a particular song has played and been just what I needed to hear. The past couple of days, it seems like every song was written just for me. Here are just a few of the lyrics that have touched my heart:
"Downpour on my soul. Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control. Dark sky all around. Can't feel my feet touching the ground. But if I can't swim after forty days, and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me oh oh. Lift me up (when I'm falling). Lift me up. (I'm weak and I'm dying.) Lift me up. (I need you to hold me.) Lift me up. (Keep me from drowning again.)" "Flood," Jars of Clay (one of my favorite albums ever)
"This is my father's world. Oh, and let me never forget that though the wrong seems often so strong, God is the ruler yet." "My Father's World," Maltbie Babcock (cover by Jadon Lavik)
"And though I cannot see you and I can't explain why, such a deep, deep reassurance you've place in my life. We cannot separate 'cause you're part of me, and though you're invisible, I'll trust the unseen." "Never Alone," Barlow Girl
"Speak, and my heart starts aching. Reach, and the numbness dims. Beat, still my mind's uncertain. Breathe, it begins again. You are the one real thing, you are the one true thing that I know. You are the one real thing. No matter what the future brings, you're the one real thing. Stay, locked within your presence. Truth, renewing my mind again. Rest, 'cause I know you're faithful, and I trust 'cause I know your name." "One Real Thing," Skillet
"And I lay down my life, and I put it before you. All that I am is in your hands. And I'm not gonna question why you're so faithful, why that you give me the blessings that you have. Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown, to lift you up onto the throne. You are my God, you are my king, to you I give, I give you everything. All I need is your love to come and fill this heart of mine. My heart is a desert that has gone dry, and I need your love to carry me by..." "All I Need," Shawn McDonald
"I was lonely; you came waltzing over to me. And your eyes, they saw right through me, and you heard each one of my cries for help. And you came to rescue me. I was broken. Every prayer that I had spoken reached your ears, and all my tears weren't cried in vain. You carried all my pain and put me back together again. You watch over me in the darkest valleys. You watch over me when the night seems long. You help me to see the way before me. You watch over me; you watch over me." "Watch Over Me," Aaron Shust
"I look beyond the empty cross, forgetting what my life has cost. I wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago.
So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears, the sin-soaked heart and make it yours. Take my world apart, take it now, take it now.
I serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away...
Take my world apart, take my world apart. I pray, I pray, I pray, take my world apart. Worlds apart." "Worlds Apart," Jars of Clay (one of my favorite songs ever, although I never meant it quite as literally as God seems to have taken it...)
Thanks to those of you who have sent me song lyrics in the past couple of weeks. What is it about music that is so emotive, that reaches in and touches places nothing else can reach? What a gift God has given us in music. I pray the right song finds you at the right time in your place of need.
Being back at work is helping. It is good to be doing something completely unrelated to my problems, and I am surrounded by such wonderful people. I love PFCN! Thank you all for your prayers, friendship, and support. I am so blessed to be a part of your church.
I've started listening to a lot of music again. There have been plenty of times in the past when a particular song has played and been just what I needed to hear. The past couple of days, it seems like every song was written just for me. Here are just a few of the lyrics that have touched my heart:
"Downpour on my soul. Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control. Dark sky all around. Can't feel my feet touching the ground. But if I can't swim after forty days, and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me oh oh. Lift me up (when I'm falling). Lift me up. (I'm weak and I'm dying.) Lift me up. (I need you to hold me.) Lift me up. (Keep me from drowning again.)" "Flood," Jars of Clay (one of my favorite albums ever)
"This is my father's world. Oh, and let me never forget that though the wrong seems often so strong, God is the ruler yet." "My Father's World," Maltbie Babcock (cover by Jadon Lavik)
"And though I cannot see you and I can't explain why, such a deep, deep reassurance you've place in my life. We cannot separate 'cause you're part of me, and though you're invisible, I'll trust the unseen." "Never Alone," Barlow Girl
"Speak, and my heart starts aching. Reach, and the numbness dims. Beat, still my mind's uncertain. Breathe, it begins again. You are the one real thing, you are the one true thing that I know. You are the one real thing. No matter what the future brings, you're the one real thing. Stay, locked within your presence. Truth, renewing my mind again. Rest, 'cause I know you're faithful, and I trust 'cause I know your name." "One Real Thing," Skillet
"And I lay down my life, and I put it before you. All that I am is in your hands. And I'm not gonna question why you're so faithful, why that you give me the blessings that you have. Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown, to lift you up onto the throne. You are my God, you are my king, to you I give, I give you everything. All I need is your love to come and fill this heart of mine. My heart is a desert that has gone dry, and I need your love to carry me by..." "All I Need," Shawn McDonald
"I was lonely; you came waltzing over to me. And your eyes, they saw right through me, and you heard each one of my cries for help. And you came to rescue me. I was broken. Every prayer that I had spoken reached your ears, and all my tears weren't cried in vain. You carried all my pain and put me back together again. You watch over me in the darkest valleys. You watch over me when the night seems long. You help me to see the way before me. You watch over me; you watch over me." "Watch Over Me," Aaron Shust
"I look beyond the empty cross, forgetting what my life has cost. I wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago.
So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears, the sin-soaked heart and make it yours. Take my world apart, take it now, take it now.
I serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away...
Take my world apart, take my world apart. I pray, I pray, I pray, take my world apart. Worlds apart." "Worlds Apart," Jars of Clay (one of my favorite songs ever, although I never meant it quite as literally as God seems to have taken it...)
Thanks to those of you who have sent me song lyrics in the past couple of weeks. What is it about music that is so emotive, that reaches in and touches places nothing else can reach? What a gift God has given us in music. I pray the right song finds you at the right time in your place of need.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Still Here
Friends, I am sorry that I have not responded to so many of you who have written to me in the past couple of days. Yesterday was another awful day. It could have been much worse, so I am thanking God for his protection which feels more real than ever right now.
So I'm writing this to let you know that I'm still here. The next few days are going to be very busy for me (unless we get snowed in?!), so it may take me a while to respond to you. But know that I appreciate every kind word and prayer on my family's behalf. I am truly blessed and humbled to have hundreds of people praying for me and my family.
Love and thanks to you all.
So I'm writing this to let you know that I'm still here. The next few days are going to be very busy for me (unless we get snowed in?!), so it may take me a while to respond to you. But know that I appreciate every kind word and prayer on my family's behalf. I am truly blessed and humbled to have hundreds of people praying for me and my family.
Love and thanks to you all.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Going home
I am very anxious about going home. I don't have the strength to do the things I need to do. I don't have the courage to face the problems laid before me. I don't know how to weigh the decisions I must make. I wish I could just continue escaping, continue to hide far away where the issues of my life seem so distant.
But I know that avoiding pain is part of what has landed us here. A huge part, really. My husband got trapped in an addiction as a way of avoiding the emotional pain of a childhood trauma. That addiction hurt me so much that I could not ask the questions that needed to be asked, I could not enforce the changes that I prayed were taking place. I feared how the truth would hurt others, and so I kept it to myself and didn't ask for help.
I should have done more to help my husband, and I should have done it sooner. That has been a recurring refrain in my head the past few days. I should have done more; I should have done it sooner. For my part in this mess, please forgive me.
I have learned over the past few months that pain is one of the most useful catalysts for change, one of the most powerful teachers. We think of pain as the enemy and try to avoid it at all costs, but doing so is harmful, not helpful. I pray that I have the strength to confront the painful situations that await me, that I can hold painful conversations and make painful decisions. I pray that I will not try to spare my son the pain that he will surely face, but help him through it in a healthy manner.
I am not strong enough, Lord. I lack courage and wisdom. I need you to get me through this, for I will surely fall apart on my own.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
"When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
excerpts from Psalm 139
But I know that avoiding pain is part of what has landed us here. A huge part, really. My husband got trapped in an addiction as a way of avoiding the emotional pain of a childhood trauma. That addiction hurt me so much that I could not ask the questions that needed to be asked, I could not enforce the changes that I prayed were taking place. I feared how the truth would hurt others, and so I kept it to myself and didn't ask for help.
I should have done more to help my husband, and I should have done it sooner. That has been a recurring refrain in my head the past few days. I should have done more; I should have done it sooner. For my part in this mess, please forgive me.
I have learned over the past few months that pain is one of the most useful catalysts for change, one of the most powerful teachers. We think of pain as the enemy and try to avoid it at all costs, but doing so is harmful, not helpful. I pray that I have the strength to confront the painful situations that await me, that I can hold painful conversations and make painful decisions. I pray that I will not try to spare my son the pain that he will surely face, but help him through it in a healthy manner.
I am not strong enough, Lord. I lack courage and wisdom. I need you to get me through this, for I will surely fall apart on my own.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
"When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
excerpts from Psalm 139
Friday, February 18, 2011
Westport
I slept all night again - yay! With a busy day ahead, I will let someone else speak for me today.
For those of you wondering how I could confidently recommend Westport Church, here is why. Go to this webpage and listen to the sermon from Feb. 13.
I love my church!
For those of you wondering how I could confidently recommend Westport Church, here is why. Go to this webpage and listen to the sermon from Feb. 13.
I love my church!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Pacific
Yesterday morning we visited the pier at Manhattan Beach in LA. What is it about the ocean that is so calming to the soul? It was mis-named the Pacific for its "peaceful nature"; it is aptly named for the peace it brings to the observer. While there, my conversation with my dad brought to mind the following lyrics:
"I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord"
-- Darrell Evans, "Trading My Sorrows"
The verse of that song is taken from 2 Corinthians 4. Rather than type the chapter out here, I've added a link for those who would like to read it. There are additional verses in the chapter that speak to me right now; perhaps they will to you, too.
My sorrows are still very much my sorrows. They have not disappeared. But for a little while, I was able to lay them down and cling to the joy of the Lord instead. It's interesting that joy is so often coupled with sorrow. I have real sorrow; I have real joy. For now, that joy is external - an implant, a gift from an outside source rather than something that wells up from inside me. "The joy of the Lord..."
In the afternoon, we visited Griffith Observatory, from which we could see all of LA, the ocean, the Hollywood sign, and the hills and canyons inbetween. We watched a presentation in the planetarium about the vastness of the universe and explored the exhibits about each of the planets. Our God is so huge. The God who created billions of galaxies, each with billions of stars, the God who knows what dark matter is while scientists are still puzzling, the God who created the oceans and sees all that they contain - that God knows what he is doing. If he can handle the dance of the cosmos, he can handle the events of my life. That is a firm foundation for peace and joy.
I picked my sorrows back up in the evening. My song switched to "Broken," by Lifehouse:
"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you"
Will I hold onto my sorrows or God's joy today? I don't know. Probably both. But I know I am not abandoned. I know I am not destroyed. I know I am blessed. I know there is healing and meaning to be found.
I will hold "on to you."
"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
"I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
"Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
"The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked."
excerpts from Psalm 77
"I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord"
-- Darrell Evans, "Trading My Sorrows"
The verse of that song is taken from 2 Corinthians 4. Rather than type the chapter out here, I've added a link for those who would like to read it. There are additional verses in the chapter that speak to me right now; perhaps they will to you, too.
My sorrows are still very much my sorrows. They have not disappeared. But for a little while, I was able to lay them down and cling to the joy of the Lord instead. It's interesting that joy is so often coupled with sorrow. I have real sorrow; I have real joy. For now, that joy is external - an implant, a gift from an outside source rather than something that wells up from inside me. "The joy of the Lord..."
In the afternoon, we visited Griffith Observatory, from which we could see all of LA, the ocean, the Hollywood sign, and the hills and canyons inbetween. We watched a presentation in the planetarium about the vastness of the universe and explored the exhibits about each of the planets. Our God is so huge. The God who created billions of galaxies, each with billions of stars, the God who knows what dark matter is while scientists are still puzzling, the God who created the oceans and sees all that they contain - that God knows what he is doing. If he can handle the dance of the cosmos, he can handle the events of my life. That is a firm foundation for peace and joy.
I picked my sorrows back up in the evening. My song switched to "Broken," by Lifehouse:
"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you"
Will I hold onto my sorrows or God's joy today? I don't know. Probably both. But I know I am not abandoned. I know I am not destroyed. I know I am blessed. I know there is healing and meaning to be found.
I will hold "on to you."
"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
"I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
"Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
"The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked."
excerpts from Psalm 77
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The pain of thousands
I just woke up from a dream in which my friends who sell Miche bags were forced to stop their business because of my husband's sin. After my friend told me, I was on the floor wailing for the injustice of it.
Freaky dream. In wakefulness, I am certain that my friends' businesses will not need to close. But I am still symbolically on the floor, wailing for the pain this has caused so many people.
There is no way to count for sure, but it is safe to say that over 1000 people have been affected by my husband's "victimless" sin. Where is God honored in the publicity of this? Is his name not slandered instead of praised? Why did he allow this to happen?
I understand that this will be good for my husband, and even for others in similar situations. But is that good really worth the pain that everyone else is suffering? How is it fair that others suffer from the publicity of his sin while he benefits from the consequences of it?
My heart breaks for the children who are forced to face a subject that adults don't understand. They have lost a mentor and a role model. They are grieving and confused, and it's not fair.
How many people will harden their hearts? How many people will write my husband off as a monster, when the day before they knew he was a good man? How many people will count this as one more thing to hold against churches and "church people"? How many people will see this as a sign of God's impotence and injustice?
Is it worth it, God? Is this really how you honor your name?
Again, I beg you to learn from my pain instead of your own. You may think that your sin is your problem, and yours alone. In truth, we will never know the effect our sin has on others. If God were to show us, I think we would all be on the floor, wailing at the injustices we have caused.
Can the pain of thousands be redeemed?
It would take a miracle.
"May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel."
Psalm 69:6
Freaky dream. In wakefulness, I am certain that my friends' businesses will not need to close. But I am still symbolically on the floor, wailing for the pain this has caused so many people.
There is no way to count for sure, but it is safe to say that over 1000 people have been affected by my husband's "victimless" sin. Where is God honored in the publicity of this? Is his name not slandered instead of praised? Why did he allow this to happen?
I understand that this will be good for my husband, and even for others in similar situations. But is that good really worth the pain that everyone else is suffering? How is it fair that others suffer from the publicity of his sin while he benefits from the consequences of it?
My heart breaks for the children who are forced to face a subject that adults don't understand. They have lost a mentor and a role model. They are grieving and confused, and it's not fair.
How many people will harden their hearts? How many people will write my husband off as a monster, when the day before they knew he was a good man? How many people will count this as one more thing to hold against churches and "church people"? How many people will see this as a sign of God's impotence and injustice?
Is it worth it, God? Is this really how you honor your name?
Again, I beg you to learn from my pain instead of your own. You may think that your sin is your problem, and yours alone. In truth, we will never know the effect our sin has on others. If God were to show us, I think we would all be on the floor, wailing at the injustices we have caused.
Can the pain of thousands be redeemed?
It would take a miracle.
"May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel."
Psalm 69:6
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Message
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, God sends his love and his faithfulness."
Psalm 57:1-3
May your heart receive God's love for you this Valentine's Day.
"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, God sends his love and his faithfulness."
Psalm 57:1-3
May your heart receive God's love for you this Valentine's Day.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Okay or Not Okay
Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions for me. I felt good enough Friday night to drive to my parents' house, and foolishly thought that that was the beginning of a straight road of improvement for me. I had not realized that the journey I am on is not the linear route of a road trip, but the erratic path of a storm.
My resolve to tackle some of the problems at hand lasted only through a couple of emails and a heart-wrenching phone call from my husband. Then followed a need to retreat and withdraw. Followed by trying to hold it together for my son, who barely let me out of his sight all day. Followed by the gradual approach of panic and despair, alleviated by a much more encouraging phone call from my husband.
Yesterday evening I wanted to puke, to cry, to hide, to change the past, to never let go of my son. I wanted to scream but my words came out as whispers. I wanted to read but just stared at the same page without comprehending. I tried to follow conversations, but I would catch the beginning of a sentence and the end, and not have a clue about what was said in the middle. I wanted to sleep, but have aleady been awake for a couple hours.
Am I okay? Is that even a relevant question right now?
Over the past couple of months, I have had the privilege of telling two friends that it's okay to not be okay. That there is no need to pretend. When life is messed up, you should be expected to not be okay.
I've done my share of pretending. My life has been messed up for a while, and I didn't want anyone to know about it. I focused on the future, grasping onto the hope that one day things really would be okay. I lived as if that future were the reality, instead of the ugly truths that could be hidden.
How do I keep myself from continuing that pattern? I feel that hope for the future is an invaluable tool for fighting despair. But at what point does hope become fantasy? How can I live firmly in the realities of today without becoming depressed and bitter?
"My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.'
"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you."
excerpts from Psalm 55
My resolve to tackle some of the problems at hand lasted only through a couple of emails and a heart-wrenching phone call from my husband. Then followed a need to retreat and withdraw. Followed by trying to hold it together for my son, who barely let me out of his sight all day. Followed by the gradual approach of panic and despair, alleviated by a much more encouraging phone call from my husband.
Yesterday evening I wanted to puke, to cry, to hide, to change the past, to never let go of my son. I wanted to scream but my words came out as whispers. I wanted to read but just stared at the same page without comprehending. I tried to follow conversations, but I would catch the beginning of a sentence and the end, and not have a clue about what was said in the middle. I wanted to sleep, but have aleady been awake for a couple hours.
Am I okay? Is that even a relevant question right now?
Over the past couple of months, I have had the privilege of telling two friends that it's okay to not be okay. That there is no need to pretend. When life is messed up, you should be expected to not be okay.
I've done my share of pretending. My life has been messed up for a while, and I didn't want anyone to know about it. I focused on the future, grasping onto the hope that one day things really would be okay. I lived as if that future were the reality, instead of the ugly truths that could be hidden.
How do I keep myself from continuing that pattern? I feel that hope for the future is an invaluable tool for fighting despair. But at what point does hope become fantasy? How can I live firmly in the realities of today without becoming depressed and bitter?
"My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.'
"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you."
excerpts from Psalm 55
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Misplaced hope
I feel like I need to clarify something I wrote yesterday:
"But I never lost hope that my husband would become the man I knew he could be, that our marriage could become what a marriage should be. We were working towards being who we really wanted to be. That hope is now gone - that future erased."
I meant that the future I had "planned" - the future that I was counting on and hoping in - is gone. Those hopes and dreams I had for us will never be realized. The future we face today is full of restrictions and complications that I never imagined, which fully and utterly destroy the path that we were on.
For example, one thing I did not mention yesterday is that we had hoped to adopt a child when we could responsibly do so. I will have to bequeath that blessing to someone else now. I pray someone steps up to take care of "my" child.
I have not, however, lost hope for my husband. Truly, my hope that he would become who I wanted him to be has morphed into a confidence that he will become the man God wants him to be. I have never seen him as humbled as he has been the past couple of days. If he continues on this path he has started, he will rebuild his life and become stronger and wiser for having traveled this road. He will still have all the character traits that have always made him a good man, but this time they will be built on a solid foundation of honesty and humility. That will be a beautiful thing to behold. That is a hope I can cling to today.
I often asked myself what he needed from me, and I even asked him to tell me. Neither of us could find an answer. I realize now that that is because I could never give him what he needed most. I was asking the wrong question. I should have simply asked, "What does he need?" He needed you - those of you who have stepped forward to help him start over, those of you who are able to step into his life without judgment and honestly, brutally expose the darkness and point him toward the light. What a gift, what a truly priceless gift you are giving my husband right now.
He is a proud man (Is that redundant? He is a man...), and therefore will resist admitting his need for you. Please push him, keep asking, butt in if you're not sure you should butt out. He does need you, and always has. I wish we had seen that clearly before; I wish we had had the courage to meet his needs regardless of consequences.
I have no emotional reserves left to lend to my husband right now. I have a flurry of mixed emotions toward him that leave me without clarity as to our present relationship and interactions. And so I have nothing but overflowing gratitude toward those of you who are there for him on this long and difficult journey, to step in where I cannot.
To those of you struggling with a hidden secret, something you are ashamed to tell anyone - your greatest need in life is confession to and help from a trusted source. Please learn from my pain instead of your own. If you are not sure where to turn, there are men at Westport Church whom you can trust. Just ask. You will not be judged. You will be received with compassion and honesty. If you are worried about consequences - surrender that fear to God. We reap what we sow, and we can trust God to take us through the worst of storms. Consider - is there any consequence that is truly worse than living a lie, in constant fear of being found out? Choose to be found out - you will be surprised at the compassion you will receive.
To my Westport friends, what an amazing group of people. You are truly the embodiment of Christ. I was burdened yesterday with the thought of what our pastors are facing right now. I know there are others with serious issues in the church - they just are not as public as mine. I cannot fathom the task of switching facilities in the midst of this storm, on top of the normal issues and crises and burdens that our pastors bear. Please be there for them with as much grace as you have offered to be there for me. Please show up today to help with the tasks at hand. Do your part, and then help to do mine since I cannot be there. Please make sure our pastors are well cared for, so that they may care well for everyone who comes to them. What a horrible first week for Jeff! My prayers and unending thanks are with you all.
To all of my friends, I thank you again for your compassion and prayers. I feel so blessed to be part of not just one, but two amazing churches, and to have friends from other areas of life willing to open their hearts to me and my family. Words cannot express my gratitude for you.
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
excerpts from Psalm 51
"But I never lost hope that my husband would become the man I knew he could be, that our marriage could become what a marriage should be. We were working towards being who we really wanted to be. That hope is now gone - that future erased."
I meant that the future I had "planned" - the future that I was counting on and hoping in - is gone. Those hopes and dreams I had for us will never be realized. The future we face today is full of restrictions and complications that I never imagined, which fully and utterly destroy the path that we were on.
For example, one thing I did not mention yesterday is that we had hoped to adopt a child when we could responsibly do so. I will have to bequeath that blessing to someone else now. I pray someone steps up to take care of "my" child.
I have not, however, lost hope for my husband. Truly, my hope that he would become who I wanted him to be has morphed into a confidence that he will become the man God wants him to be. I have never seen him as humbled as he has been the past couple of days. If he continues on this path he has started, he will rebuild his life and become stronger and wiser for having traveled this road. He will still have all the character traits that have always made him a good man, but this time they will be built on a solid foundation of honesty and humility. That will be a beautiful thing to behold. That is a hope I can cling to today.
I often asked myself what he needed from me, and I even asked him to tell me. Neither of us could find an answer. I realize now that that is because I could never give him what he needed most. I was asking the wrong question. I should have simply asked, "What does he need?" He needed you - those of you who have stepped forward to help him start over, those of you who are able to step into his life without judgment and honestly, brutally expose the darkness and point him toward the light. What a gift, what a truly priceless gift you are giving my husband right now.
He is a proud man (Is that redundant? He is a man...), and therefore will resist admitting his need for you. Please push him, keep asking, butt in if you're not sure you should butt out. He does need you, and always has. I wish we had seen that clearly before; I wish we had had the courage to meet his needs regardless of consequences.
I have no emotional reserves left to lend to my husband right now. I have a flurry of mixed emotions toward him that leave me without clarity as to our present relationship and interactions. And so I have nothing but overflowing gratitude toward those of you who are there for him on this long and difficult journey, to step in where I cannot.
To those of you struggling with a hidden secret, something you are ashamed to tell anyone - your greatest need in life is confession to and help from a trusted source. Please learn from my pain instead of your own. If you are not sure where to turn, there are men at Westport Church whom you can trust. Just ask. You will not be judged. You will be received with compassion and honesty. If you are worried about consequences - surrender that fear to God. We reap what we sow, and we can trust God to take us through the worst of storms. Consider - is there any consequence that is truly worse than living a lie, in constant fear of being found out? Choose to be found out - you will be surprised at the compassion you will receive.
To my Westport friends, what an amazing group of people. You are truly the embodiment of Christ. I was burdened yesterday with the thought of what our pastors are facing right now. I know there are others with serious issues in the church - they just are not as public as mine. I cannot fathom the task of switching facilities in the midst of this storm, on top of the normal issues and crises and burdens that our pastors bear. Please be there for them with as much grace as you have offered to be there for me. Please show up today to help with the tasks at hand. Do your part, and then help to do mine since I cannot be there. Please make sure our pastors are well cared for, so that they may care well for everyone who comes to them. What a horrible first week for Jeff! My prayers and unending thanks are with you all.
To all of my friends, I thank you again for your compassion and prayers. I feel so blessed to be part of not just one, but two amazing churches, and to have friends from other areas of life willing to open their hearts to me and my family. Words cannot express my gratitude for you.
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
excerpts from Psalm 51
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Beginning at the End - Part 2
I actually slept last night - thank you all for your prayers.
Yesterday was a really rough day, even worse than Wednesday. Some hard truths finally sunk in.
For all intents and purposes, I lost my husband on Wednesday. My son lost his father, at least temporarily. My husband lost his career and his freedom to use his God-given gifts and talents. We both lost our dreams for the future. We lost a business that we poured countless hours into. We lost more than half our income. Less important in the long run, but more real for today - we lost a computer and ipod that my son used for entertainment, and he doesn't understand why these things are gone.
It was the end of life as we know it.
And so it was the beginning of a new life. The beginning of a very difficult and very public journey. The beginning of a life with no lies, no secrets, and no shame. This new person is not who I wanted to be. This new life is not what I wanted to live.
Honestly, the life I had before is not what I wanted either. But I never lost hope that my husband would become the man I knew he could be, that our marriage could become what a marriage should be. We were working towards being who we really wanted to be. That hope is now gone - that future erased.
I am very thankful for your prayers as I go through the process of redifining myself. Please do the same for my husband - his job will be more like recreating himself. I have not made any decisions yet about the future of our family. For now, we are prevented from being a family. When that prevention is lifted, I am not sure what will be best for my son, primarily, but also for myself and my husband.
Please pray for my son as well. He just woke up and asked where his dad is. This will be very difficult for him, and I am heartbroken to think how this will scar and shape him. He was absolutely amazing the way he was. I pray the new him is just as vibrant and fun and happy and loving as the old one.
One more note - I am purposely leaving out other names, mostly for my son's sake. You all know who I am and who we are, but just to be safe, please leave names out of any comments.
Thank you again for your prayers. Your support has been truly amazing.
"My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
"Why so downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
"My soul IS downcast within me; therefore I WILL remember you."
excerpts from Psalm 42
Yesterday was a really rough day, even worse than Wednesday. Some hard truths finally sunk in.
For all intents and purposes, I lost my husband on Wednesday. My son lost his father, at least temporarily. My husband lost his career and his freedom to use his God-given gifts and talents. We both lost our dreams for the future. We lost a business that we poured countless hours into. We lost more than half our income. Less important in the long run, but more real for today - we lost a computer and ipod that my son used for entertainment, and he doesn't understand why these things are gone.
It was the end of life as we know it.
And so it was the beginning of a new life. The beginning of a very difficult and very public journey. The beginning of a life with no lies, no secrets, and no shame. This new person is not who I wanted to be. This new life is not what I wanted to live.
Honestly, the life I had before is not what I wanted either. But I never lost hope that my husband would become the man I knew he could be, that our marriage could become what a marriage should be. We were working towards being who we really wanted to be. That hope is now gone - that future erased.
I am very thankful for your prayers as I go through the process of redifining myself. Please do the same for my husband - his job will be more like recreating himself. I have not made any decisions yet about the future of our family. For now, we are prevented from being a family. When that prevention is lifted, I am not sure what will be best for my son, primarily, but also for myself and my husband.
Please pray for my son as well. He just woke up and asked where his dad is. This will be very difficult for him, and I am heartbroken to think how this will scar and shape him. He was absolutely amazing the way he was. I pray the new him is just as vibrant and fun and happy and loving as the old one.
One more note - I am purposely leaving out other names, mostly for my son's sake. You all know who I am and who we are, but just to be safe, please leave names out of any comments.
Thank you again for your prayers. Your support has been truly amazing.
"My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
"Why so downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
"My soul IS downcast within me; therefore I WILL remember you."
excerpts from Psalm 42
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The beginning at the end - part 1
I've often thought about creating an anonymous blog. I guess now it doesn't have to be anonymous.
I've been laying in bed for 6 hours without sleeping and finally decided to give up and try something different. So if you stumble across any typos or spelling errors, I'll blame it on the lack of sleep! (I've already double checked how to spell "whose" and "beginning." Perhaps this isn't the best time to type something out...)
I don't know how to play the role I've been given. Nobody ever gave me a script. In fact, this is a completely different movie than I signed up for. The one I've been preparing for just got trainwrecked.
Which begs the question, whose life is it anyway?
The answer: "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." (Galatians 2:20) I gave my life to Christ a long time ago, so if this is the life he gives back to me, so be it.
Expect plenty of bloopers and awkward moments if you're watching, though. I've never been great at improv.
I've been laying in bed for 6 hours without sleeping and finally decided to give up and try something different. So if you stumble across any typos or spelling errors, I'll blame it on the lack of sleep! (I've already double checked how to spell "whose" and "beginning." Perhaps this isn't the best time to type something out...)
I don't know how to play the role I've been given. Nobody ever gave me a script. In fact, this is a completely different movie than I signed up for. The one I've been preparing for just got trainwrecked.
Which begs the question, whose life is it anyway?
The answer: "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." (Galatians 2:20) I gave my life to Christ a long time ago, so if this is the life he gives back to me, so be it.
Expect plenty of bloopers and awkward moments if you're watching, though. I've never been great at improv.
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