I’ve been avoiding writing another blog entry. I could say that I’ve been too busy – that working on my relationship with my husband is taking up a lot of time that I used to use for writing. There is a sense in which that is true, but it is also true that I have been playing a lot of Scramble with Friends and Hanging with Friends and reading Agatha Christie novels.
The truth is – working on my marriage is hard. It is highly emotional and leaves me exhausted. I have a lot of things to process, and less time by myself to process them. It’s been a difficult month.
I’ve taken that exhaustion and emotional stress and retreated into myself (and my iPod). That’s not healthy. I know it. And yet I’m still doing it. It’s valid to need a break. But withdrawing and avoidance puts distance in relationships, leaves my responsibilities underdone which affects others, and doesn’t even really help me resolve my emotions or reenergize.
At church on Sunday I realized I was just going through the motions. I was singing words with my mouth but not with my heart. I was there in body, but my spirit was still retreating.
I don’t want to be that person. I want to be present – body, mind, and spirit. I don’t want to get stuck in retreat mode and miss out on the joys that are right in front of me. I don’t want to be sloppy in my responsibilities and force others to step in and pick up the pieces.
So I guess that means my retreat is over. (Insert heavy sigh.) It’s time to muster what energy I can and head back into the fray. I’ll still need breaks, but hopefully I can figure out some healthy ways to reenergize instead of just avoiding…everything.
No, wait – I’ve got a Scramble game waiting for me. I can stop retreating tomorrow, right? J
