Both/And

                I wrote in my last post about feeling conflicting emotions all at once.  This is something I’ve had in the back of mind to blog about for a while.

                I’ve discovered that opposite emotions are not mutually exclusive.  It’s not a matter of either/or; it’s a matter of both/and.  I am both happy and unhappy at the same time.  I have both joy and sorrow.  I am both content and unsatisfied.

                With this in the back of my mind, I began reading A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser, last week.  (Thanks for the book, Shane!)  I’ve quoted the book once before in my blog.  It’s amazing to me how many parallels there are between my blog and the book – how many common themes both share.  Of course, the book is a million times better!  J

                This section of the book really put into words my thoughts that I had not yet solidified, but deeper and richer than I could ever have done:

                “…though I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before – not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness.  I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow...  Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.  I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different, life – a life no worse than before and sometimes better.  …

                “We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.  …

                “[The Nazi death camp prisoners] directed their energies inwardly and paid attention to what was happening in their souls.  They learned that tragedy can increase the soul’s capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection…  The soul is elastic, like a balloon.  It can grow larger through suffering.  Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss.  Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love.  What we consider opposites – east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life – are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight.  The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time.”

                Needless to say, I am looking forward to finishing the book.

Release

                My husband was released Friday.  Name an emotion, and chances are I felt it that day.  Joy, relief, hope, frustration, disgust, grief, anger, impatience, appreciation, anxiety…the list goes on. 

                Before last week, I had reached a point of peace even in the middle of all my uncertainty.  I don’t like having more questions than answers and not knowing what to expect from the days ahead.  But I had finally accepted that as my reality, and I was surprised at how settled my spirit was even though my circumstances were not settled.  It’s as if I had found the eye of the storm – a place of calm and rest in the middle of chaos and stress.

                Last week, I left the eye of the storm and am now in the other side of the turmoil.  At least I hope that’s a proper visual.  I’d like to think that there is an end to the stress and uncertainty, just beyond what I can see at the moment.  And that on the other side, a “new normal” is waiting for my family to arrive and enjoy the blessings of life together.  I don’t know how long it will take us to get there, or how battered we will be by the storm we are in.  The journey won’t be easy or pleasant, but I pray that it is good.

                I write this because I feel like people might be expecting me to be overjoyed at this newest turn of events.  To be sure, I am happy and relieved…and everything else.  So if you find tears in my eyes, don’t be surprised.  I’m still caught in an emotional storm.  And even though some questions are now answered, others are just beginning to be asked.