Okay or Not Okay

Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions for me.  I felt good enough Friday night to drive to my parents' house, and foolishly thought that that was the beginning of a straight road of improvement for me.  I had not realized that the journey I am on is not the linear route of a road trip, but the erratic path of a storm.

My resolve to tackle some of the problems at hand lasted only through a couple of emails and a heart-wrenching phone call from my husband.  Then followed a need to retreat and withdraw.  Followed by trying to hold it together for my son, who barely let me out of his sight all day.  Followed by the gradual approach of panic and despair, alleviated by a much more encouraging phone call from my husband.

Yesterday evening I wanted to puke, to cry, to hide, to change the past, to never let go of my son.  I wanted to scream but my words came out as whispers.  I wanted to read but just stared at the same page without comprehending.  I tried to follow conversations, but I would catch the beginning of a sentence and the end, and not have a clue about what was said in the middle.  I wanted to sleep, but have aleady been awake for a couple hours.

Am I okay?  Is that even a relevant question right now?

Over the past couple of months, I have had the privilege of telling two friends that it's okay to not be okay.  That there is no need to pretend.  When life is messed up, you should be expected to not be okay. 

I've done my share of pretending.  My life has been messed up for a while, and I didn't want anyone to know about it.  I focused on the future, grasping onto the hope that one day things really would be okay.  I lived as if that future were the reality, instead of the ugly truths that could be hidden.

How do I keep myself from continuing that pattern?  I feel that hope for the future is an invaluable tool for fighting despair.  But at what point does hope become fantasy?  How can I live firmly in the realities of today without becoming depressed and bitter?

"My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.  My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.  Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.

"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.'

"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me.  Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you."

excerpts from Psalm 55