Guilt

The subject of my guilt has come up several times in the past couple of weeks.  Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern for me, but I hope you will hear me out on the subject.

I read a book last fall written by a counselor to sexually addicted men.  A major premise of the book is that sin is sin, and when couples go to counseling, both parties need to own their sin and work on it.  If you are like me, you will rebel against that idea for a while.  I was not the one with the problem; my husband was.  How dare you turn the focus on me?

It is easy to acknowledge in my head that God views all sin as pretty much equal, but to really accept that premise and live it out in my everyday relationships is tough.  Yeah, sure, I have problems.  I make mistakes.  I sin.  But I'm not as bad as my husband, and he's not as bad as that guy over there, and... 

When we put sin into categories, it is easy to justify our "small" sins, and even easier to judge someone else for their "big" sins.  For sure, different sins have different consequences.  No one is going to arrest me for being impatient with my son when he acts his age.  My life will not fall apart for passing judgment on complete strangers.  And yet, those actions place me squarely in the "sinner" category, right next to my husband.

We can split sins into legal and illegal categories, "victimless" and victimizing.  We can feel better about ourselves knowing that we haven't broken the law, that we haven't really hurt anyone.  In fact, that little white lie actually helped a friend out, right?  No.  Sin always hurts someone, even when we can't see it right away.  When we forget that, when we think it's not a big deal and we get comfortable with doing the wrong thing, the devil gets happy.

I'm gonna step on some toes here, but consider how many people you know who are comfortable with sharing music and video files.  Not only is this illegal, it victimizes the artists who make a living from the sales of their material.  This behavior is both illegal and victimizing, and yet a vast majority of Christians are comfortable with it.  Now picture this behavior as disgusting to God as my husband's sin.  Uncomfortable yet?

On the other hand, accepting this unattractive premise that "sin is sin" encourages compassion to those struggling with "big" sins as well as a desire for absolute purity in my own life.  If my inactions toward my husband, regardless of motivation or ignorance, place me in the same category in God's eyes as his actions, how can I live with that another day?  If my drinking a Pepsi when I know I shouldn't is the same as his doing something he knew he shouldn't, will I keep reaching for it?

I am reminded of Frank Peretti's novel, The Oath.  Why, oh why are we comfortable with sin?  We know it will destroy us.  We know it is a monster waiting to devour us.  We should be running in terror, and yet we accept the "small" sins into our lives as our friends.  It will prove to be a decay that oozes from the heart and overtakes us.

So I say, I know that I did not cause my husband's problems.  I did not cause the current situation.  I do not feel guilty for what he has done.  But I am not guilt-less.  I know what I am responsible for and I own it.  And I desire to be uncomfortable with sin, no matter how small.  So I ask that you not ignore my guilt, or try to downplay it.  Call it what it is - sin.  And forgive me, as you have all made clear that you already have.

"Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.

"Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!  Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.

"How can a young man keep his way pure?  By living according to your word.  I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.

"Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.  I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame.  I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

excerpts from Psalm 119