Going home

I am very anxious about going home.  I don't have the strength to do the things I need to do.  I don't have the courage to face the problems laid before me.  I don't know how to weigh the decisions I must make.  I wish I could just continue escaping, continue to hide far away where the issues of my life seem so distant.

But I know that avoiding pain is part of what has landed us here.  A huge part, really.  My husband got trapped in an addiction as a way of avoiding the emotional pain of a childhood trauma.  That addiction hurt me so much that I could not ask the questions that needed to be asked, I could not enforce the changes that I prayed were taking place.  I feared how the truth would hurt others, and so I kept it to myself and didn't ask for help.

I should have done more to help my husband, and I should have done it sooner.  That has been a recurring refrain in my head the past few days.  I should have done more; I should have done it sooner.  For my part in this mess, please forgive me.

I have learned over the past few months that pain is one of the most useful catalysts for change, one of the most powerful teachers.  We think of pain as the enemy and try to avoid it at all costs, but doing so is harmful, not helpful.  I pray that I have the strength to confront the painful situations that await me, that I can hold painful conversations and make painful decisions.  I pray that I will not try to spare my son the pain that he will surely face, but help him through it in a healthy manner.

I am not strong enough, Lord.  I lack courage and wisdom.  I need you to get me through this, for I will surely fall apart on my own.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 

"When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

excerpts from Psalm 139