Misplaced hope

I feel like I need to clarify something I wrote yesterday:
"But I never lost hope that my husband would become the man I knew he could be, that our marriage could become what a marriage should be.  We were working towards being who we really wanted to be.  That hope is now gone - that future erased."

I meant that the future I had "planned" - the future that I was counting on and hoping in - is gone.  Those hopes and dreams I had for us will never be realized.  The future we face today is full of restrictions and complications that I never imagined, which fully and utterly destroy the path that we were on. 

For example, one thing I did not mention yesterday is that we had hoped to adopt a child when we could responsibly do so.  I will have to bequeath that blessing to someone else now.  I pray someone steps up to take care of "my" child.

I have not, however, lost hope for my husband.  Truly, my hope that he would become who I wanted him to be has morphed into a confidence that he will become the man God wants him to be.  I have never seen him as humbled as he has been the past couple of days.  If he continues on this path he has started, he will rebuild his life and become stronger and wiser for having traveled this road.  He will still have all the character traits that have always made him a good man, but this time they will be built on a solid foundation of honesty and humility.  That will be a beautiful thing to behold.  That is a hope I can cling to today.

I often asked myself what he needed from me, and I even asked him to tell me.  Neither of us could find an answer.  I realize now that that is because I could never give him what he needed most.  I was asking the wrong question.  I should have simply asked, "What does he need?"  He needed you - those of you who have stepped forward to help him start over, those of you who are able to step into his life without judgment and honestly, brutally expose the darkness and point him toward the light.  What a gift, what a truly priceless gift you are giving my husband right now.

He is a proud man (Is that redundant?  He is a man...), and therefore will resist admitting his need for you.  Please push him, keep asking, butt in if you're not sure you should butt out.  He does need you, and always has.  I wish we had seen that clearly before; I wish we had had the courage to meet his needs regardless of consequences.

I have no emotional reserves left to lend to my husband right now.  I have a flurry of mixed emotions toward him that leave me without clarity as to our present relationship and interactions.  And so I have nothing but overflowing gratitude toward those of you who are there for him on this long and difficult journey, to step in where I cannot.

To those of you struggling with a hidden secret, something you are ashamed to tell anyone - your greatest need in life is confession to and help from a trusted source.  Please learn from my pain instead of your own.  If you are not sure where to turn, there are men at Westport Church whom you can trust.  Just ask.  You will not be judged.  You will be received with compassion and honesty.  If you are worried about consequences - surrender that fear to God.  We reap what we sow, and we can trust God to take us through the worst of storms.  Consider - is there any consequence that is truly worse than living a lie, in constant fear of being found out?  Choose to be found out - you will be surprised at the compassion you will receive.

To my Westport friends, what an amazing group of people.  You are truly the embodiment of Christ.  I was burdened yesterday with the thought of what our pastors are facing right now.  I know there are others with serious issues in the church - they just are not as public as mine.  I cannot fathom the task of switching facilities in the midst of this storm, on top of the normal issues and crises and burdens that our pastors bear.  Please be there for them with as much grace as you have offered to be there for me.  Please show up today to help with the tasks at hand.  Do your part, and then help to do mine since I cannot be there.  Please make sure our pastors are well cared for, so that they may care well for everyone who comes to them.  What a horrible first week for Jeff!  My prayers and unending thanks are with you all.

To all of my friends, I thank you again for your compassion and prayers.  I feel so blessed to be part of not just one, but two amazing churches, and to have friends from other areas of life willing to open their hearts to me and my family.  Words cannot express my gratitude for you.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.  For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 

"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.  Cleanse me, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.  Let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

excerpts from Psalm 51