Both/And

                I wrote in my last post about feeling conflicting emotions all at once.  This is something I’ve had in the back of mind to blog about for a while.

                I’ve discovered that opposite emotions are not mutually exclusive.  It’s not a matter of either/or; it’s a matter of both/and.  I am both happy and unhappy at the same time.  I have both joy and sorrow.  I am both content and unsatisfied.

                With this in the back of my mind, I began reading A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser, last week.  (Thanks for the book, Shane!)  I’ve quoted the book once before in my blog.  It’s amazing to me how many parallels there are between my blog and the book – how many common themes both share.  Of course, the book is a million times better!  J

                This section of the book really put into words my thoughts that I had not yet solidified, but deeper and richer than I could ever have done:

                “…though I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before – not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness.  I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow...  Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.  I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different, life – a life no worse than before and sometimes better.  …

                “We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.  …

                “[The Nazi death camp prisoners] directed their energies inwardly and paid attention to what was happening in their souls.  They learned that tragedy can increase the soul’s capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection…  The soul is elastic, like a balloon.  It can grow larger through suffering.  Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss.  Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love.  What we consider opposites – east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life – are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight.  The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time.”

                Needless to say, I am looking forward to finishing the book.

Release

                My husband was released Friday.  Name an emotion, and chances are I felt it that day.  Joy, relief, hope, frustration, disgust, grief, anger, impatience, appreciation, anxiety…the list goes on. 

                Before last week, I had reached a point of peace even in the middle of all my uncertainty.  I don’t like having more questions than answers and not knowing what to expect from the days ahead.  But I had finally accepted that as my reality, and I was surprised at how settled my spirit was even though my circumstances were not settled.  It’s as if I had found the eye of the storm – a place of calm and rest in the middle of chaos and stress.

                Last week, I left the eye of the storm and am now in the other side of the turmoil.  At least I hope that’s a proper visual.  I’d like to think that there is an end to the stress and uncertainty, just beyond what I can see at the moment.  And that on the other side, a “new normal” is waiting for my family to arrive and enjoy the blessings of life together.  I don’t know how long it will take us to get there, or how battered we will be by the storm we are in.  The journey won’t be easy or pleasant, but I pray that it is good.

                I write this because I feel like people might be expecting me to be overjoyed at this newest turn of events.  To be sure, I am happy and relieved…and everything else.  So if you find tears in my eyes, don’t be surprised.  I’m still caught in an emotional storm.  And even though some questions are now answered, others are just beginning to be asked.

Coping

                I screamed at the world yesterday morning.  I hung up the phone, ending an emotional phone call, and screamed.  And kept screaming.  I don’t remember ever screaming like that before in my life.  I wondered if the neighbors had heard me.  My throat actually hurt for a couple of hours after that.

                And then at night, when my son was in bed, I sat on my butt and read half a novel.  I intentionally ignored the piles of dishes in my kitchen and tried to put all thoughts out of my head except for what was happening in the book. 

I guess you could say my coping mechanisms need a little work.

When I first read that sex addicts are escaping emotional pain, I thought it was psychological hoo-hah.  They do it cuz it feels good, idiot!  But I’ve come to understand that doing something that feels good is a way of escaping emotional pain.  It’s a coping mechanism.

We all have to find ways to cope with emotional pain.  When you’re having a bad day, what do you do for a pick-me-up?  Many women turn to food.  I admit, I’m a comfort eater – not necessarily overeating, but I make sure to save room for dessert.  I also turn to books, escaping into someone else’s life that the author has under complete control and which will invariably lead to the happy ending.  The best thing, though, is cuddling with my kiddo. 

What else do people turn to?  Exercise?  Entertainment?  Throwing yourself into responsibilities unrelated to your stress?  Art?  Alcohol?  Drugs? 

Unfortunately, many adolescent boys turn to the natural drugs released by their bodies during a sexual experience.  It’s a very efficient pick-me-up, or so I’m told.  They don’t realize it’s as addictive as any street drug they’ve been warned against.  (I’ve heard two different sources say that detoxing off a sex addiction is worse than detoxing from a drug addiction.)  And they spend the next six years or so conditioning their bodies and spirits to respond to a bad day by “self-medicating.”  Is it any wonder that it takes them at least as long to break the addiction?

How come there’s no DARE campaign against masturbation?  Seriously, I don’t think I was ever taught ANYTHING on the subject.  Sex, sure.  Foreplay, sure.  These topics were brought up at school and at church multiple times throughout jr. high and high school.  But not once did anyone teach against masturbation.  Or maybe they did and I just ignored it cuz I thought it was gross.  In which case they surely didn’t talk about the pervasiveness of masturbation and pornography, since I didn’t realize it was a serious issue and not just for perverts.

So how do I help my son learn healthy coping mechanisms?  He’s five.  He can’t read a book yet.  He can’t go for a jog.  I’m not sure what to tell him to do with his anger. 

I’ve decided to start by modeling my coping mechanisms for him (minus the screaming, of course).  I told him I was sad one day last week, and the next day I told him what I did to help me not be sad:  cuddled with him, read a book, and prayed.  I can model taking emotions to God in prayer.  I need to help him identify his emotions and help him figure out which pick-me-ups work well for him – ones that are healthy and build relationships up instead of breaking them down.  When appropriate, I’m going to tell him what I’m feeling and what I’m going to do about it.  (Maybe that will help me be accountable to make better choices for myself, too.)  And maybe, if I get better at this, by the time he reaches adolescence, he’ll know what to do with his emotions and won’t fall into one of the traps that’s just waiting for him to pass by.

Prevention

                One of the thoughts on my mind for a while is:  What can we do to prevent kids from getting addicted to porn?

                I’ve heard several people’s stories by now, and do you know what they all have in common?  Each man’s issue with pornography (or another form of sex) started at age 12 or earlier.  Age 12!  Or earlier! 

                I have always thought of sex as an issue to be addressed in the teen years and adulthood.  But age 13 is too late!  By then, a huge number of boys are already trapped.  This issue has to be addressed and prevented in childhood, not in teenage-hood.

                (I realize that my small survey is not statistically reliable and am sure that many men become addicted as teens or even young adults.  But I do feel it’s reliable enough to say that a majority – and even a vast majority – of addicts are exposed by age 12.)

                But how can we address the issue?  How can we, as parents and as the church, protect our boys from getting addicted to their own bodies’ drugs?  How?

                You think, “I’ve got an internet filter.  That should work.”  But what about your son’s friend whose uncle gave him a pornographic magazine as a birthday present?  What about the neighbor boy who has internet access on his iPhone?  What about the boys in the locker room at school who talk and joke about masturbation? 

We cannot prevent this issue from confronting our kids.  It is all around us.  Our neighbors and peers have given up the fight for purity.  We must fight for it even harder than ever.

I’m not sure people realize how widespread the issue is.  Here’s a quote from purelifealliance.org:  ”There are many surveys and reports on the issue but a conservative poll from ChristiaNet reported by Marketwire.com in August, 2006 showed that 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography. That is not the percent who view pornography, those percentages are much higher; this is the percent actually addicted to pornography. And that was in 2006.”  50% of Christian men!!!

I know that when I was in college, I would have been shocked to hear that statistic.  I remember an acquaintance confessing his struggle (and proclaiming his victory) over porn at church one night, and I immediately wrote him off in my mind as a pervert.  I was so naïve!  I’m pretty sure I was sitting next to one (or three) porn addicts that very minute.  But I had no idea at the time.

The next time you’re sitting in church, look around.  One out of every two men that you see, according to statistics, is or has been addicted to porn.  Men that you respect.  Men that you trust your kids with.  Men who love God.  Yet they are stuck in an addiction that they don’t feel like they can tell anyone about.

It seems like the church is doing a better job of realizing the problem and offering solutions for men and their wives.  At least in the Portland area, there are numerous churches partnering with Pure Life Alliance to raise awareness of the issue and the treatment options available.  This is great and necessary, and I hope similar programs continue to grow exponentially around the country.

But what is anybody doing to prevent the problem in the first place?

?

I have a huge heart for kids.  It breaks my heart to look at my son and the boys that he goes to school with and the boys that I teach at church and think that half of them are doomed to become sex addicts.  I want to do anything I can to prevent that from happening.

But what can I do?  The church really can’t do much regarding this issue on Sunday mornings.  So is there anything the church can do?

I feel the answer lies with parenting.  The church must come alongside parents and equip them to handle this issue.  But not just parents of teens.  Parents of children!

So how does the church partner with parents and equip them adequately?  Each church must decide the specifics for itself.  There are plenty of different strategies and theories for family ministry.  I make no secret of which is my favorite; I am a staunch supporter of 252:Basics by the Rethink Group (NorthPoint Church).  I should say I support the theory and strategy behind 252:Basics, as there are some issues with the program itself that make it difficult for churches (especially small churches) to implement.  But what I love about it is that incorporating the parents into the child’s spiritual learning is of utmost importance.  The program is written to include a family worship service every Sunday – geared towards kids AND parents in a very Disney-movie-ish fashion.  The church I work for offers the family service once a month. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute!  I thought we were talking about porn addiction!  How did we get talking about family ministry?”  Cuz I truly think that family ministry is our best hope for preventing not only sex addictions but drug addictions and church drop-outs at the age of 18, for producing a next generation that is more free and more Christ-like than today’s 50% addict generation.  If we can get parents and kids talking together at church about spiritual topics and relating them to real life at home, that could open up the door to more natural conversations at home about the same topics.  We need to get kids and parents talking together in mutually trusting, spiritually deep, and actually relevant conversations from first grade on (or even earlier).  So when you talk about his first crush at age 8, it feels natural.  And when you bring up the topic of masturbation at age 10, it feels natural.  And when you bring it up again at age 10 and a half, it feels natural.  And at age 11, when the neighbor kid pulls up pornography on his iPhone, your son comes home and talks to you about it, and it feels natural!

I’m just beginning to research and explore the topic of preventing sexual addiction.  So I could be way off base.  But I was passionate about family ministry before, and I am even more so now.

What can we do to prevent boys from getting addicted?  We must do something.  We must.

Hidden Hurt

I started going to a support group a few weeks ago called Hidden Hurt.  I had heard about the group several years ago, but support groups are definitely not my thing.  Besides, it was my husband's issue, not mine, right?  If only the group had been advertised as a class, perhaps I would have been more intrigued...

Anyway, the information given in the class so far has been awesome.  And the sharing and "support group" portion is very beneficial, as well, despite my natural reluctance to participate in such groups.  I plan to share a lot of what I've been learning at some point, but I'm not quite ready yet.

So I bring it up tonight for two reasons.  First, if you are the wife of a sexual addict (in one or several of its forms - pornography, affairs, strip clubs, etc.), I would highly encourage you to call Hidden Hurt and attend the "class."  Even if you've read books on your own, this different setting and approach will be enlightening and give you a list of even more books to read on the subject.  And if you aren't afraid of support groups, then you probably don't need much encouragement to call, but perhaps you just didn't know there was someone TO call.  Well, there is!  The number is 503-750-3992.  The group is very strict about confidentiality, so if you are worried about someone finding out your secret, call anyways and find out what measures are in place to protect you.

There are groups for men, too, of course.  Those groups are called For Men Only, and the number is 503-750-0817.

Both groups are sponsored by Pure Life Alliance.  You get more information about the groups, about sexual addiction, and about resources outside of the Portland area by visiting their website, http://www.purelifealliance.org/.

The second reason I bring this up is that, during the most recent "class" I attended, the following quote from Jerry Sittser's A Grace Disguised was shared.  I haven't read the book yet, but I liked the quote so much I had to pass it along!

     "Can anyone really expect to recover from [a great] tragedy?  Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation...  Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery.  It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same.  There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered.  Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it.  Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss...

     "But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul.  It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic.  It is not something to escape but something to embrace.  Jesus said [in Matthew 5], 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.'  Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss are living authentically in a world of misery...  Sorrrow is noble and gracious.  It enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time."

I love this.  I hate that it's true and necessary and experienced by people everyday, but ... wow!  So good.  I am definitely going to have to read the whole book!

Anger

I’ve been asked by a couple of people if I have had any anger toward God.  I think that’s a strange question.  Why would I be angry at God when this is not his fault?

I could see being angry at God about a disease, or barrenness, or never falling in love.  It would seem that those things would be more directly caused at the hands of God than my husband’s arrest would be. 

But the question I’ve asked myself is, if I’m not angry at God about allowing those things in other people’s lives, than how could I be angry with him if it happens in my life?  God is the same God to that stranger with a chronic disease as he is to me.  If it is unfair and cruel for any person to get cancer, then I should be angry with him about that, not just when it happens to me.  God’s character does not change based on the circumstances of my life.  Why does our reaction to him change with our circumstances, then?  Cancer exists in the world, whether it exists in my life or not.  Should I be thankful to him for sparing me from it (while hitting someone else with it), and then angry with him when it attacks me?   

Back to my situation, I am not angry with God, but I am confused.  I’d like to say that he got the plan wrong this time.  I can’t see how my husband’s arrest could be the best course of events for our lives.  In my head, of course, I know how foolish that sounds.  God knows better than me what is best.  I know that I can trust him with that responsibility.  But a part of me still wants to argue that he was wrong this time.  My plan was better.  And then the other part of me says, “Obviously not.”

I am also thankful to God for everything else in my life.  How can I review my life and not be overwhelmed by how blessed I am?  My childhood, my parents, my schooling, my health, my son, my abilities, my family, my friends, my church, my job – I am so amazingly blessed!  God has given me so many good things that a majority of the people in the world do not have.  How could I be angry with him about giving me this life?  It has been - and still is - blessed beyond what I see as “normal” in the world around me.

Part of my reaction may also be my personality.  I’ve never been an angry person.  Even now, when anger towards my husband is a natural and expected reaction, I only get flashes of anger that immediately morph into sadness. 

I’ve thought about anger a lot lately.  Anger is characteristic of God, and therefore it is a virtue.  We don’t think of it as such because it is more often expressed as a vice.  But anger can motivate us to correct an injustice, to stand for righteousness, to speak against evil.  In that way, anger is definitely a good thing.  But it’s a virtue I don’t have.  I can get angry about the injustice in the world, but mostly it just breaks my heart.  

Am I mad at my husband?  Sometimes.  But mostly I’m heartbroken.  For him.  For my son.  For myself.  For a world bursting with sadness and pain and sin and shame.

If I were to get mad at God about anything, it would be for allowing the world to get like this.  Why does he allow so much heartache?  It seems unjust and cruel.

But then I remember what he did to correct the world and offer it hope.  I remember that he came to earth as a man and died on the cross to take away the weight of our sin.  I remember that he came back to life to offer us hope of a better life, a new life in him.  I don’t understand why he allows the evil that is present in our world.  But I can’t fault him for not offering an alternative.  He went to extreme lengths to offer us something better.

On this Easter weekend, I pray that the weight of this world is lessened by hearts turning to the cross of Christ and accepting the alternative he offers to us.

Denial

I have had so much food for thought this week.  When I think of what I should write about, my mind jumps from topic to topic, question to question, without setlling on any one thing.  So I started re-reading some of the material I've written and read, and I think it would be appropriate to share some more of the ideas from The Wounded Heart.

Mostly I will just paste excerpts from the text, but I do want to say that even though this book was written with sexual abuse victims in mind, I believe the concepts and theories outlined apply to anyone who has been wounded by another. I have never been sexually abused or abused in any way, and yet I find the text enlightening for my current situation. It's my untrained and inexpert opinion that the truths in this book are universal for all wounded hearts.

The following excerpts about denial are from the Prologue to The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender.

                “What is the enemy?  ...  What must be done to lift the shroud of shame and contempt?  The answer involves a strategy that seems to intensify the problem:  peer deeply into the wounded heart.  The first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine.  The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced…

                “There is a natural reluctance to face the problem.  Christians seem to despise reality.  We tend to be squeamish when looking at the destructive effects of sin.  It is unpleasant to face the consequences of sin – our own and others’.  To do so seems to discount the finished and sufficient work of our Savior.  And so we pretend we’re fine, when in fact, we know that something is troubling our soul…

                “Forgiveness built on ‘forgetfulness’ is a Christian version of a frontal lobotomy…

                “To be told, ‘The past is the past and we are new creatures in Christ, so don’t worry about what you can’t change,’ at first relieves the need to face the unsightly reality of the destructive past.  After a time, however, the unclaimed pain of the past presses for resolution, and the only solution is to continue to deny.  The result is either a sense of deep personal contempt for one’s inability to forgive and forget, or a deepened sense of betrayal toward those who desired to silence the pain of the abuse in a way that feels similar to the perpetrator’s desire to mute the victim.  Hiding the past always involves denial; denial of the past is always a denial of God.  To forget your personal history is tantamount to trying to forget yourself and the journey that God has called you to live…

                “Christians believe in the possibility of healing or deep personal change.  Change ... is the result of God’s working in the person.  This work enables us to love as Christ loved, to serve as He served, and to be of one mind with others as He is with the Father…  The results are seldom, if ever, close to the ideal…  Does the gospel really work to transform lives?  The data is at times questionable.  Therefore the Christian community feels disposed to deny any data that points to the thorns and thistles in the lives of those who claim to be filled with the power of God…

                “Let us as Christians acknowledge without shame that regeneration does not alleviate, or in fact diminish, the effects of sin quickly or permanently in this life.  If we accept that, we are free to face the parts of our souls that remain scarred and damaged by the effects of sexual abuse without feeling that we are denying the gospel.”