Failure

     I am usually an introverted person.  I am not comfortable with this position of "my business" being on display for all the world to see.  Since that choice was taken out of my control, I jumped into writing this blog, thinking that if you know part of the story you should probably know the whole story.  But it is strange for me to write such personal things for the public to view, strangers and friends alike.

     I've really thought and prayed about what I should write about, and what direction this blog should take.  I concluded that if you are reading my posts, it's probably because you know me and my family and are interested in traveling this journey with me.  So I purposely write about who I am, where I am at, what I am feeling, and what God is doing in me.  I am in no position to teach or preach, nor do I have the expertise or training to do so.  Plus, you'd get bored and stop reading.  :)  I want this blog to be a public journal of a public journey, for those of you interested in coming along for the ride.

     So tonight I will write about something else intensely personal.  I haven't written about it earlier because it's hard for me to talk about.  But the subject keeps coming up, so I figure maybe one of you needs to hear what I've learned, and I'll take the risk and get uncomfortable and tell you about another piece of my journey.

     I've started reading a book called The Wounded Heart:  Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, by Dan Allender.  I'm only on the second chapter, but I've already been amazed by what I've read.  I'm sure the book will come up again in future blogs.

     After starting the first chapter, I felt like an idiot.  I never viewed my husband as a victim of sexual abuse, in large part because he never viewed himself that way.  But just a few pages into this book, I could already identify several characteristics of his life that are common to abuse victims.  I can't believe that I never studied the subject before now!  And I think of myself as an intelligent person...  My stupidity amazes me.

     I began to think that perhaps God gave me ten years with this man to recognize who he truly is and help him get the healing he needed.  And I failed.  I didn't recognize the symptoms, even though it should have been obvious.  As a helpmate to an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse, I failed.  Miserably.

     And then I returned to church.  Our pastor was finishing the sermon series on sex.  And one text that he referenced was 1 Corinthians 13:

     Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not 
     dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
     wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
     always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

     I was all those things for my husband.  The only fault I can find with myself from those verses is that I avoided the truth because the truth hurt.  The message I got that day was not the main point of the sermon, but it was what I needed to hear:  Love does not fail.  I did not fail my husband.

     To make sure I got the point, I received the same message later the same week.  I had not told anyone what I was feeling or thinking, not even my husband.  But one day during our phone call, he read to me something that he had written.  It included the text from 1 Corninthians 13.  He said that I had been all of those for him and added, "You did not fail me." 

     Really?  Almost the exact same message, twice in one week, from two different sources who had no idea what was going through my head.  I love it when God speaks like that.  When you just can't deny the "coincidence" of hearing exactly what you needed to hear in multiple ways.

     So, I got the message again this week.  I had a first meeting with a counselor, and before I had told her any of this, she said (you know what she said...), "You did not fail your husband."  Really?  I got the message before, so why are you still telling me now, God?  It's nice and all, but it doesn't seem necessary.

     I figure at this point, God's telling me to share the message.  Hence this blog post which feels so uncomfortable to write. 

     If you feel like a failure towards your spouse, child, parent, friend...  Evaluate yourself based on 1 Corinthians 13.  Have you truly loved?  If so, then you have not failed.

     If that's the message you need to hear, I pray you hear it multiple times, from multiple sources, just like I did.  And if I can have the honor of being one of those sources, it's worth the embarrassment and discomfort of sharing something so personal.

     Love does not fail.  Hold onto that truth with me.