Coping

                I screamed at the world yesterday morning.  I hung up the phone, ending an emotional phone call, and screamed.  And kept screaming.  I don’t remember ever screaming like that before in my life.  I wondered if the neighbors had heard me.  My throat actually hurt for a couple of hours after that.

                And then at night, when my son was in bed, I sat on my butt and read half a novel.  I intentionally ignored the piles of dishes in my kitchen and tried to put all thoughts out of my head except for what was happening in the book. 

I guess you could say my coping mechanisms need a little work.

When I first read that sex addicts are escaping emotional pain, I thought it was psychological hoo-hah.  They do it cuz it feels good, idiot!  But I’ve come to understand that doing something that feels good is a way of escaping emotional pain.  It’s a coping mechanism.

We all have to find ways to cope with emotional pain.  When you’re having a bad day, what do you do for a pick-me-up?  Many women turn to food.  I admit, I’m a comfort eater – not necessarily overeating, but I make sure to save room for dessert.  I also turn to books, escaping into someone else’s life that the author has under complete control and which will invariably lead to the happy ending.  The best thing, though, is cuddling with my kiddo. 

What else do people turn to?  Exercise?  Entertainment?  Throwing yourself into responsibilities unrelated to your stress?  Art?  Alcohol?  Drugs? 

Unfortunately, many adolescent boys turn to the natural drugs released by their bodies during a sexual experience.  It’s a very efficient pick-me-up, or so I’m told.  They don’t realize it’s as addictive as any street drug they’ve been warned against.  (I’ve heard two different sources say that detoxing off a sex addiction is worse than detoxing from a drug addiction.)  And they spend the next six years or so conditioning their bodies and spirits to respond to a bad day by “self-medicating.”  Is it any wonder that it takes them at least as long to break the addiction?

How come there’s no DARE campaign against masturbation?  Seriously, I don’t think I was ever taught ANYTHING on the subject.  Sex, sure.  Foreplay, sure.  These topics were brought up at school and at church multiple times throughout jr. high and high school.  But not once did anyone teach against masturbation.  Or maybe they did and I just ignored it cuz I thought it was gross.  In which case they surely didn’t talk about the pervasiveness of masturbation and pornography, since I didn’t realize it was a serious issue and not just for perverts.

So how do I help my son learn healthy coping mechanisms?  He’s five.  He can’t read a book yet.  He can’t go for a jog.  I’m not sure what to tell him to do with his anger. 

I’ve decided to start by modeling my coping mechanisms for him (minus the screaming, of course).  I told him I was sad one day last week, and the next day I told him what I did to help me not be sad:  cuddled with him, read a book, and prayed.  I can model taking emotions to God in prayer.  I need to help him identify his emotions and help him figure out which pick-me-ups work well for him – ones that are healthy and build relationships up instead of breaking them down.  When appropriate, I’m going to tell him what I’m feeling and what I’m going to do about it.  (Maybe that will help me be accountable to make better choices for myself, too.)  And maybe, if I get better at this, by the time he reaches adolescence, he’ll know what to do with his emotions and won’t fall into one of the traps that’s just waiting for him to pass by.