It has been a very emotional day. It started at church this morning, with a message on experiencing real relationships. The way that our church encourages deeper relationships is through promoting community groups, and the pastor did something that I had previously thought would be very appropriate – he told the story of the group that I’ve been a part of for the past three years.
I started sobbing. Something you have to understand about me is that I cry very easily. I have honestly cried at commercials. Any heart-felt emotion can make me cry, and when I experience multiple emotions all at once, I lose all control of my tear ducts. And my breathing. And the color of my face.
I find it terribly annoying.
This morning I felt pride in belonging to such an amazing group of people that we would be called out as the example for others. I felt grief at seeing my husband in group pictures and knowing that things would never quite be the same again. I felt the humiliation of our story being made public one more time. And I felt love for the people who have rallied around us and shown us more grace and compassion and generosity than I could ever have asked for.
The relationships that I have through my community group are my primary reason for hoping to stay in the same neighborhood. Sometimes I think it would be nice to move away, where nobody knows us and we wouldn’t have to tell many people about our past. We could start over and walk through the grocery store without wondering if we’ll run into former clients and what will happen if we do. Anonymity is an attractive idea, and it’s not attainable here. But moving away would mean leaving the people who have been here to help us pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, and I hate that idea more than the possibility of facing an angry ghost.
I feel that I have not done a good enough job expressing my gratitude to these people. (One reason is that even the thought makes me start crying. Yep, that’s right - tears again…) I love you all so much and am forever indebted to you for your friendship and kindness. You are Christ incarnate to me and my family, and you deserve to be known and lauded as the Best Community Group ever.
Then, this afternoon, I learned some information that brought up old desires and current desires that I don’t really know what to do with. I have had to face the truth that certain career paths that I would like to explore are now outside the realm of possibility for me. Pathways to the future that might have been perfect, had life been different, are now firmly off-limits.
I know it’s silly to grieve the “might-have-been”s, but I do. It hurts that I can’t realize my dreams because of what my husband has done. I wish I could go down a certain path, and I can’t. I know that in an alternate reality, I may never have actually walked down that path, but it would be nice to at least have that option open to me. I am mourning the loss of something I never had and may never have had, and I am confused about what to do with the desires that remain.
And finally, I answered a call from my husband while at the grocery store, which I don’t normally do. I’m happy for the mistake, though, because we discovered that we were both in the same store. And our son was with me. We came so close to running into each other. What would have happened if my son had seen his dad? It would have been a complete mess.
I hate that I have to be concerned about running into my husband in public. I hate that my son can’t even talk to his dad, much less see him. It’s been three and a half months since they talked, and seven and a half since they’ve seen each other. I’m hoping that calls will resume next month, and visits by December. But I don’t know for sure. I hate that I can't tell my son when his dad is coming home. I hate that my son has to tell his friends that his dad can’t come home because he got in trouble. I hate that I have to try to hide his dad’s phone calls and visits so that he doesn’t feel left out and confused.
Why is it always the innocent who suffer most? I hate that about this world…
It’s been quite a day.
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