Sex Glue and Masturbation

Warning:  This blog post is fairly explicit about sexual issues.  If you are under the age of 18, please get your parents’ permission to continue reading.

                I’ve learned a lot about men’s sexuality in the past few months.  I’d like to go ahead and share what I’ve learned, even though I know I’ve probably only scratched the surface. 

                I’ve just finished reading Sex, Men and God by Doulas Weiss.  The basic concept behind the book and Weiss’ counseling practice is the idea of “sex glue.”  Here’s how he describes it:

                “…When a man ejaculates, his brain receives its maximum chemical reward.  Critical to a man’s sexual success is understanding that whatever he looks at while having an ejaculation is what he will sexually connect or ‘glue’ to.  Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object.  I call it ‘sex glue.’”

                Weiss goes on to share an example of a client who grew up on a farm.  In order to achieve privacy, he masturbated in the family’s barn.  During his sexual moments with himself, he chose to look down at his boots.  Until he sought counseling as a 48-year-old, he had never had sex without wearing boots.  And, of course, he had an outrageous boot collection.

                I spoke with a secular counselor a few weeks ago who reiterated this concept in her own way.  She said that a small percentage of internet porn addicts actually “glue” to the computer itself.  In other words, because the addict is looking at a computer while being sexual, the mere sight of a computer at any point throughout his day could turn him on sexually.  She also said that viewing hard core porn can increase a man’s homosexual response.  (If you look at a man while being sexual you will probably increase your response to men.)

                The visual stimulus does not have to be a real physical person or object; if a man fantasizes sexually, he will “glue” to his fantasies.

                To say it yet one more way, the three main components of sex glue are:  what he looks at or visually fantasizes about, the chemical release his body experiences during ejaculation, and the repetition of the stimulus over a period of time.  A man might not “glue” to a visual stimulus if there is no repetition.

                This theory makes so much sense to me because it explains sexual addiction, sexual deviancies, AND sexual faithfulness!  If a man does not “glue” to anything until he is married, he WILL “glue” to his wife.  After time, he will have as much trouble breaking his attachment to his wife as a porn addict will have changing his behaviors.  In the same way, a man who has had multiple sexual relationships and therefore bonded to sexual variety may have a difficult time remaining faithful to his wife.  (The book does not actually make those last two points; they are my own conclusions based on the information provided.)

                The book makes it clear that men can break their sexual attachments and retrain themselves to “glue” to their wives, however.  It’s hard work – well, fairly uncomplicated to explain but requiring sustained and dedicated effort to accomplish.  A man who is in need of retraining his brain should definitely read this book and probably seek counseling in order to achieve success.  Really, I would recommend the book for all men and all married women, as well as any woman in a serious relationship.

                This concept of “sex glue” has implications on the topic of masturbation.  Since the Bible is silent on the topic, the church is fairly silent about it, too.  Weiss offers a thorough examination of the topic in the book.

                He contends that men fall into three groups when it comes to masturbation.  Men in the first group do not have a desire to masturbate.  Weiss has only met fourteen men throughout the years who have never masturbated.  That number might seem surprisingly high to a man, but I would guess it seems shockingly low to a woman.  (It did to me.)

                Men that fall in the second category are able to masturbate without lusting and without attaching to an object or visual stimulus.  He says that, for these men, “the masturbation experience is simply engaging in a bodily function.”

                Masturbators in the third group use fantasy, pornography, and/or objects during the experience.  This type of masturbation is clearly against the teachings of the Bible and will surely lead to unhealthy sexual attachment and therefore sexual conflict and dissatisfaction in marriage.

                So what do we teach our sons about masturbation?  Weiss puts forth some guidelines in his book.  First, he suggests that you limit your son’s masturbation habit to once or twice a week (since that is approximately how often he can expect sex with his wife once married).  Second, he must not use pornography or fantasize.  Third, he must stay connected with himself while masturbating instead of disassociating his person from his behavior.  Disassociating during habitual masturbation will lead to disconnected sex once married.  Fourth and most important, you must check in with your son once a month to see how he is doing following these guidelines.  These conversations will be awkward at first but will gradually become a natural way to have comfortable conversations about all kinds of sexual issues.

                Weiss does not bring this up, but I would add to his list a caution against using masturbation as a form of coping with stress or emotional pain (as discussed in a previous post).

                Weiss does deal with the issue of masturbation in marriage.  His conclusion is that married men should inform their wives of their masturbation activities, and if the wife does not approve, he should restrain himself.  My husband’s counselor told a group of men that it is okay for them to masturbate, but they should fantasize about their wives while doing so, because that would further attach them to their wives.  Weiss counters this idea by suggesting that you may become attached to your “fantasy wife” and therefore become dissatisfied with your real wife because she does not live up to your fantasies.  This subject is thoroughly discussed in the book; one paragraph here does not do the topic justice, but I will leave it at that and again encourage you to read the book.

                The last topic I’d like to share with you is the secular counselor’s view of pornography.  I love it when the secular world validates God’s word!  Here are some terms she used to describe pornography:  “It’s a trainwreck.”  “Porn warps men’s brains.”  “Porn warps men’s view of women and society.”  She recommended some secular books on the subject, but I have not read them yet.  I just think it’s great that secular professionals denounce porn as much as Christians do.  It’s not just for spiritual reasons that pornography is harmful; it is negative in every way, and those who have studied the subject affirm this wholeheartedly.

                I’ll end with another disclaimer:  I’ve only begun to study the subject, so I probably don’t have all the pertinent information to say for sure that Douglas Weiss is spot on.  It seems that way to me at the moment, but I reserve the right to change my views in the future and give you permission to disagree with me as well.  J