Anger

I’ve been asked by a couple of people if I have had any anger toward God.  I think that’s a strange question.  Why would I be angry at God when this is not his fault?

I could see being angry at God about a disease, or barrenness, or never falling in love.  It would seem that those things would be more directly caused at the hands of God than my husband’s arrest would be. 

But the question I’ve asked myself is, if I’m not angry at God about allowing those things in other people’s lives, than how could I be angry with him if it happens in my life?  God is the same God to that stranger with a chronic disease as he is to me.  If it is unfair and cruel for any person to get cancer, then I should be angry with him about that, not just when it happens to me.  God’s character does not change based on the circumstances of my life.  Why does our reaction to him change with our circumstances, then?  Cancer exists in the world, whether it exists in my life or not.  Should I be thankful to him for sparing me from it (while hitting someone else with it), and then angry with him when it attacks me?   

Back to my situation, I am not angry with God, but I am confused.  I’d like to say that he got the plan wrong this time.  I can’t see how my husband’s arrest could be the best course of events for our lives.  In my head, of course, I know how foolish that sounds.  God knows better than me what is best.  I know that I can trust him with that responsibility.  But a part of me still wants to argue that he was wrong this time.  My plan was better.  And then the other part of me says, “Obviously not.”

I am also thankful to God for everything else in my life.  How can I review my life and not be overwhelmed by how blessed I am?  My childhood, my parents, my schooling, my health, my son, my abilities, my family, my friends, my church, my job – I am so amazingly blessed!  God has given me so many good things that a majority of the people in the world do not have.  How could I be angry with him about giving me this life?  It has been - and still is - blessed beyond what I see as “normal” in the world around me.

Part of my reaction may also be my personality.  I’ve never been an angry person.  Even now, when anger towards my husband is a natural and expected reaction, I only get flashes of anger that immediately morph into sadness. 

I’ve thought about anger a lot lately.  Anger is characteristic of God, and therefore it is a virtue.  We don’t think of it as such because it is more often expressed as a vice.  But anger can motivate us to correct an injustice, to stand for righteousness, to speak against evil.  In that way, anger is definitely a good thing.  But it’s a virtue I don’t have.  I can get angry about the injustice in the world, but mostly it just breaks my heart.  

Am I mad at my husband?  Sometimes.  But mostly I’m heartbroken.  For him.  For my son.  For myself.  For a world bursting with sadness and pain and sin and shame.

If I were to get mad at God about anything, it would be for allowing the world to get like this.  Why does he allow so much heartache?  It seems unjust and cruel.

But then I remember what he did to correct the world and offer it hope.  I remember that he came to earth as a man and died on the cross to take away the weight of our sin.  I remember that he came back to life to offer us hope of a better life, a new life in him.  I don’t understand why he allows the evil that is present in our world.  But I can’t fault him for not offering an alternative.  He went to extreme lengths to offer us something better.

On this Easter weekend, I pray that the weight of this world is lessened by hearts turning to the cross of Christ and accepting the alternative he offers to us.