Perseverance

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4

I have these verses taped to my bathroom mirror and have had for over a year.  I’ve always thought that James was a little bit crazy for writing this.  “Pure joy” is facing trials of many kinds?!  The man must have been certifiably insane.  Seriously, the ridiculousness of the suggestion is astounding.  Who has joy in the face of trials?  It’s not reasonable.

I think it’s easy to misinterpret this verse as a call to deny reality.  When problems come, we should rejoice instead of despair because we know that God will use the situation for our good.  So be happy that your husband cheated on you!  Celebrate your diagnosis of a chronic disease!

Uhh…no thanks.  If that’s what these verses mean, count me out.

After my husband’s arrest, I glared at these verses on my mirror.  I remember thinking that I would never thank God for what had happened.  I could go along with it (I didn’t have much choice, after all), I could trust him to bring good out of it, I could agree with my head if not my heart that God knows best, but I would never rejoice in it.  Never.

Months passed, and I found myself one day saying “Thank you.”  I was surprised.  Was I really thanking God for what happened?  I clarified that I was thanking God for the good he has already brought about, but not for allowing my husband to be arrested.  But I was more aware of the changes in my heart.  I realized I was no longer glaring when I looked at the verses on the mirror.

I have since reached a place where I do thank God for the arrest itself.  I am thankful to him for doing what I could never have done.  I still wish there had been another way, a way that would not have caused so many innocent people so much pain, but I don’t know what they way would have been.  After just a few months, I can honestly say that I am glad my husband was arrested.

I still don’t consider what happened “pure joy,” and I don’t think I ever will.  But the rest of the passage has come to life for me in amazing ways.  I have grown and matured so much in the past few months.  I have learned so much and have an increased awareness of and sensitivity to spiritual issues around me.  By no means do I consider myself “mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  I don’t think that will ever happen.  But I’m on my way that direction, and I like it - despite the pain and trauma that jumpstarted the process.

Why can’t we jump to the maturity and completeness without the perseverance?  I long to keep growing the way I have been, but I dread the future “trials of many kinds” that might get me there.  I want the growth, but I don’t want the pain.  Why does it have to be a package deal?

I know that my character is so much more important to God than my circumstances.  There are times when I say, “God, I want to be mature.  I want to be complete.  Please use my circumstances to refine my character.”  And then I realize that I’m basically asking for more pain and trials of many kinds…and I adjust my prayer a bit.  “Wait, I didn’t really mean that…”

I’m not quite ready to say, “Bring it on.”  I don’t really want more challenging circumstances in my life.  But I do want the maturity and wisdom that such circumstances can bring.  And I know that rejoicing in trials does not mean there is no pain – the joy does not replace the pain but instead exists beside it - joy and pain linked together in an inexplicable conundrum.  I still don’t understand why God chooses to use tragedy as the training ground for maturity, but I am now able to truly rejoice about the growth I have experienced as a result of the tragedy in my life.

Letter to the church

I wrote this letter to our church as they wrestle with the idea of my husband attending services again.  I post it here because I think it can apply to The Church as a whole, as well.

                For ten years I prayed that God would take away my husband’s porn addiction.  I believed that God wanted him to be porn-free, I desperately wanted him to be porn-free, and I believed that he sincerely wanted to be free of porn as well.  Isn’t that the formula for answered prayers – pray in agreement with God, pray in agreement with each other, and it “shall be given unto you?”

When my husband was arrested, I knew that God was finally answering my prayer.  But I didn’t understand why he chose to do it this way.  It seemed that a quiet healing would have been much better than the publicity of an arrest.  So many people were hurt, and so much shame was brought on the name of Christ and on my family.  How could this possibly be the best thing for anyone?

It has taken a long time, but I’ve come to realize that God loves us too much to give us a quick fix.  Taking away my husband's addiction would have fixed his behavior, but it wouldn’t have done anything to fix his heart.  As painful and shameful as his arrest has been, I am grateful that God was willing to do whatever it took to capture his heart.

And capture his heart he has.  My husband is reading his Bible, praying, and talking about God like he has never done before.  Instead of pride and defensiveness, he shows humility and a willingness to look honestly at himself.  Instead of anger, he has peace.  Instead of judging others, he extends grace and patience.  He is truly a different man than he was a year ago.  It’s not just his behavior that has changed, his heart has been transformed as well.

I also have a suspicion that the publicity of his arrest and healing was for your benefit.  As messy as this situation is, this is your chance to show the grace of God to our community.  Over the past year, the church has come together in support of my family in amazing ways.  You have truly reflected the beauty of Christ and his church, and I thank you for the love and support offered to me and my family. 

I ask that this extension of grace continue as my husband returns to our congregation.  I ask that you look not only at his faults, but also at what God is doing in his heart.  I invite you to use our story to share with others the love, grace, and forgiveness of Christ.  I ask that you become part of bringing a beautiful ending to a story with such an ugly beginning.

With affection and appreciation.

Unable

                The past couple of months have been tough.  Can I just say that reconciliation is hard?  I feel like I have the best circumstances for reconciliation; I want to reconcile, my husband wants to reconcile, my husband is doing the work he needs to do and making the changes he needs to make.  And yet it’s still stinking hard! 

                I think I had the idea that as long as my husband was progressing and growing, our relationship would progress as well.  It took me a few weeks to realize that it wasn’t going to be that easy, and another week or two to reach the point where I honestly wondered if reconciliation would ever be possible.  I wondered if our marriage and my heart were so broken that no amount of time or growth on his part would be able to mend them. 

                In other words, I reached a point where I said, “God, I don’t think I can do this.  I thought I would be able to, but I was wrong.  I am unable to reconcile fully with my husband.  I just can’t do it.” 

                And that’s where God stepped in.

                See, when we reach the end of ourselves and our own abilities, God is there waiting for us.  When we’ve exhausted our own efforts and strengths, we realize that he is ready for us to start relying on him instead of on ourselves.

               

Of course, we have a choice when we reach that point.  All too often, especially in marriages, when we get to the point of realizing that we are not able to do what is asked of us, we give up.  We forget that if God has called us to something, he will make us able.  When we reach the end of ourselves, we need to remember to turn to God instead of just calling it quits.

When I am unable, God is able.  So now I can admit that I am unable to reconcile with my husband without despairing.  I can’t do what needs to be done, but I know that God can.  He will make me able to do what he has called me to do. 

And I’m actually thankful that I’m not able to reconcile with my husband on my own.  Because when the reconciliation happens, it will be all God.  I can’t take any credit for it.  I am too weak, too flawed, too broken to fix my marriage.  I am unable, but God is able. 

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.  Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.  On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly, we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

“And even if our [good news] is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  For the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the [good news] that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God…  For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in [the darkness] of our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

2 Corinthians 4:1-10, with a bit of paraphrase thrown in

Emotions

                Today is the one year anniversary of my husband’s arrest.  I thought I was going to be an emotional mess this week, but I’ve actually held it together better than expected.  Yay!

                We talked a lot about negative emotions at a recent counseling session.  Of course, our counselor would say there are no negative emotions or positive emotions; there are just emotions.  But for the sake of easy communication, I’m going to keep referring to “negative emotions” and trust that you know what I mean.  J

                Many of us have a tendency to get rid of negative emotions as soon as possible, whether they are our own emotions or someone else’s.  If someone is sad, we try to cheer them up.  If someone is anxious, we try to ease their worries. 

My guess is that you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with that?”  Even though these attempts to change someone’s emotions are meant to help that person, they can actually accomplish quite the opposite.

                Our counselor explained it by saying that emotions are meant to be transient.  Emotions are felt in the moment, and when another moment comes along, a new emotion replaces the old one.  Sometimes moments are more like seasons, such as a season of grief, but even seasons have varied moments that bring varied emotions with them.

                The danger of getting rid of negative emotions too quickly is that we can actually be denying or avoiding them.  When an emotion is dealt with in the moment, it passes with the moment.  But when an emotion is pushed to the side and ignored, we end up carrying it with us into future moments and seasons.  The longer we deny our negative emotions, the less transient they become, and the harder it is for us to shake them for good.

                We need to give ourselves and others permission to feel our emotions fully.  If you have a reason to be sad, it’s okay to be fully sad.  If you are grieving, it’s okay to fully grieve.  The way to get rid of negative emotions is to feel them fully, let them run their course, and they will change at the right moment.

                If sadness is an appropriate response to a situation, allow your friend (or yourself) to be sad.  Don’t attempt to change the emotion; validate it.  Anxiety is normal in moments of uncertainty, so instead of trying to ease someone’s worries, empathize by saying, “I’d be pretty anxious if I were in your shoes, too.” 

                A response to this theory is that allowing ourselves to be negative will result in us being negative, depressed people.  “If I allow myself to be sad for a season, I’m not being the positive person I want to be,” for example.  Again, if you have a valid reason to be sad, the best way to get rid of your sadness is to feel it fully.  It’s counter-intuitive, but denying and avoiding your sadness is what makes it stick around longer.  If you want to be a positive person, then allow yourself to be sad when the moment calls for it! 

I’m probably over-simplifying things here.  I’m not a counselor, and if processing negative emotions is something that you struggle with, please know that I am not trying to minimize your struggle or offer a quick fix.  This post is not meant for people who struggle with depression, but for those of us who strive to be “positive” even when we are feeling “negative.”

Basically what I’m saying is, let’s not try to “fix” our emotions.  Let’s give ourselves and others permission to feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.  Instead of denying or attempting to change how we’re feeling, let’s validate and empathize with those emotions.  Let’s “feel it fully,” no matter what “it” is.

Retreat

                I’ve been avoiding writing another blog entry.  I could say that I’ve been too busy – that working on my relationship with my husband is taking up a lot of time that I used to use for writing.  There is a sense in which that is true, but it is also true that I have been playing a lot of Scramble with Friends and Hanging with Friends and reading Agatha Christie novels. 

                The truth is – working on my marriage is hard.  It is highly emotional and leaves me exhausted.  I have a lot of things to process, and less time by myself to process them.  It’s been a difficult month. 

                I’ve taken that exhaustion and emotional stress and retreated into myself (and my iPod).  That’s not healthy.  I know it.  And yet I’m still doing it.  It’s valid to need a break.  But withdrawing and avoidance puts distance in relationships, leaves my responsibilities underdone which affects others, and doesn’t even really help me resolve my emotions or reenergize. 

                At church on Sunday I realized I was just going through the motions.  I was singing words with my mouth but not with my heart.  I was there in body, but my spirit was still retreating.

                I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be present – body, mind, and spirit.  I don’t want to get stuck in retreat mode and miss out on the joys that are right in front of me.  I don’t want to be sloppy in my responsibilities and force others to step in and pick up the pieces.

                So I guess that means my retreat is over.  (Insert heavy sigh.)  It’s time to muster what energy I can and head back into the fray.  I’ll still need breaks, but hopefully I can figure out some healthy ways to reenergize instead of just avoiding…everything.

No, wait – I’ve got a Scramble game waiting for me.  I can stop retreating tomorrow, right?  J

Year in Review

            Flashback to January 2011:  My husband and I had gone to marriage counseling in the fall.  I had more hope than ever that his porn addiction was a thing of the past.  Business seemed to be picking up, as well.  Our marriage had a brighter outlook than ever before, and our business had a brighter outlook than ever before.  I expected 2011 to be our best year yet.

February:  My husband was arrested on February 9.  All my expectations for the future were gone, lost to an overwhelming uncertainty.  I grieved hard and had no idea how to move forward.  It wasn’t one day at a time; it was one task at a time. 

March:  My husband was in jail for his birthday and my own.  I hit several low points, including one that made me want a divorce.  I had to deal with selling the business assets and wrapping up other business affairs, which was incredibly stressful.  The future was still completely unknown, but I was beginning to stabilize.

April:  The absolute highlight of the year was my son’s birthday party.  Watching him dance up and down the aisles at Chuck E. Cheese and then stop to whisper in my ear, “I’m so happy,” are memories I will cherish forever.  I began counseling both with a counselor and with the Hidden Hurt group.  I began to have peace about the situation, even though my life was still in limbo.

May:  My husband began to change.  He lost his defensiveness and gained a new love for God.  I changed from wanting a divorce to wanting a separation, to see if these changes would last when he rejoined “the real world.”

June:  My husband was released from jail on June 10.  The rest of the month was pretty rough as we handled some tough conversations and dealt with fresh hurts.  My sister’s family flew in from out of town and we enjoyed some great visits.

July:  We had even more time with extended family.  I rejoiced in actually having a summer!  Working a part-time job instead of 45-60 hrs/week over the summer was heavenly.  We filed our bankruptcy in July, which was actually a lot less painful than I expected.

August:  Things got rocky in my marriage again.  I didn’t let go of hope, but uncertainty didn’t let go of me, either.

September:  My son started kindergarten and loved it!  My husband began proving that he could sustain his changed behavior over time, and I regained some of my hope for the future.

October:  My son was finally reunited with his dad!  To me, this was the biggest step forward so far.  We had a wonderful weekend at the coast with my parents and grandparents, and I realized I wanted a second chance to have a future with my husband.

November:  We began marriage counseling again.  The process of restarting a marriage is pretty tricky, and we definitely experienced ups and downs.

December:  Our separation ended six months after my husband’s release, when he was allowed to move home over weekends.  Just in time for Christmas, he moved home permanently.  My son is very excited to have his dad home again.  We are now trying to figure out a new pattern of life that incorporates the regulations that come with being a registered sex offender.  We are still working out how to live together again, and with healthy communication and boundaries this time.  We’re making lots of mistakes, but we are moving forward.

2011 is undoubtedly the hardest year I have ever lived through.  I have experienced more pain and loss and uncertainty this year than ever before in my life.  And yet I’ve also experienced more growth.  I feel freer, more alive, more at peace than I can remember feeling before.  I think I’ve learned more about myself and about God than ever before.  This has been the hardest year, for sure.  But am I crazy to say that, in some ways, it’s also been the best?

So what will 2012 hold?  Who knows?!  I’m pretty sure there will be pain.  Definitely some struggles.  Hopefully not too many more losses.  Hopefully a renewed relationship with my husband.  Definitely some laughs with my son.  Definitely some love to share with amazing friends and family members.  Hopefully a closer relationship with God who never ceases to surprise me.  And probably a few more blog entries.  J

Happy New Year!

Confession Part 2

                In my last post I discussed the need for confessing to other people as a way to deal with our guilt.  The concept came from Andy Stanley’s podcast series, It Came from Within, which encourages us to focus on our hearts as the source for everything we do.  I ended with the challenging statement that most of us don’t have a safe place to confess.

                Generally speaking, churches are not safe places for confession.  When a “good Christian” hears a confession, he recoils in disgust at such behavior.  He demands that the behavior change immediately.  He questions the “sinner’s” salvation, since you can’t be a Christian and do that. 

                Here’s how Nate Larkin puts it in his book Samson and the Pirate Monks:

You’ve probably seen that poor fellow who decided one day to be honest in a Christian meeting.  Maybe he’d been caught in a sin, so he really had nothing left to lose, or perhaps he was so plagued by guilt that he decided to take the church’s rhetoric about grace and forgiveness at face value and bare his soul in a desperate bid for freedom.

I remember a guy who did that.  As soon as the fateful words were uttered he looked around, hoping somebody would say, “Me, too,” but all he heard were crickets.  After a pause, a curious investigator launched into spiritual cross-examination.  Then a few concerned “ex-sinners” gathered around him and preached a series of sermons disguised as prayers.  Finally, a helpful brother prescribed three Scripture verses to be taken in the morning and at bedtime.  Later, the guy was assigned to a probation officer – excuse me, an “accountability partner” – who would check in on him for a few weeks to make sure he had actually turned around.

In all this religious activity, he heard this message loud and clear:  “You have lost status, boy.  For the foreseeable future, you can forget about being a leader in this group, or even a trusted member.  Maybe later, if you can demonstrate that you have been fully rehabilitated and if you promise never to speak that way again, we will consider reinstating your membership.”

To make matters worse, as he left the meeting that poor guy was struck by the realization that he had just volunteered to become the church’s new topic of conversation.  Suddenly he knew that telephone lines were already humming with the latest “prayer request.”  Next Sunday, his suspicions were confirmed.  The sidelong glances, the awkward silences, the careful distances kept by his former associates, their wives, and others, verified that his disclosure was now common currency in the congregation.

                This story makes me so sad.  Mostly because I know it’s true.  I can see myself in some of the church members represented.  Can you see yourself, too?

                Confession is tricky because it opens a huge can of worms called “Christians who still sin.”  How do we deal with that?  Which sins are acceptable to work on for a while, and which sins must be changed immediately?  Do we pray for the person, offer advice, demote him, carry on as usual, lecture him…???

                Samson and the Pirate Monks is the best book I have read so far that deals with this topic, even though you would have no clue from the title.  The first half of the book is Nate Larkin’s autobiography.  He was a pastor’s kid, and everyone considered him a saint.  But in reality, he just had a really good filter for a pretty ugly heart.  He became a pastor himself, but had enough sense to change careers after he hired his first prostitute.  He struggled with sexual sin throughout his kids’ entire childhoods, and he never told a soul.  He finally sought help from a sex addicts support group after his wife threatened to leave him.  The relationships he formed in that group transformed his heart and his life. 

                The second half of the book explains in some detail about the Samson Society, which he and several friends created at their church and which is now a nationwide fellowship.  According to samsonsociety.ning.com, “The Samson Society is a fellowship of Christian men who are serious about authenticity, community, humility & recovery - serious, not grave.  Samson guys are traveling companions on a great spiritual adventure, not grim pilgrims on a death march to personal holiness.”

                Basically, Larkin and his friends created a safe place for men to confess and journey together – honestly and authentically.  No guilt attached.  No demands for immediate change.  No lectures or demotions.  A place for men tired of carrying the weight of their guilt to finally hear other Christian men say, “Me, too.”

                I was very inspired by the book and would highly recommend it to anyone.  It is a very entertaining and engaging read; one of my favorite sentences is, “To make matters worse, I farted in church.”  Ha!

                So, to tie all these thoughts together, let me ask:  Can we change the culture of today’s churches?  Can we remember that the heart is what counts, not the behavior?  Can we agree to look past the repulsive behavior and look into the heart?  Can we acknowledge that someone brave enough to confess their ugly behavior has their heart pointed in the right direction?  When someone confesses, can the first words out of our mouths be, “I am so proud of you for having the courage to confess?”  Imagine the healing power those words could have on a heart that has long been burdened with guilt!

                If we condemn destructive behaviors upon hearing a confession, we are really encouraging the “sinner” – and everyone who is watching – to continue in secrecy and dishonesty.  This of course has the opposite effect of what we intended; instead of ceasing those behaviors, the “sinner” learns to hide them better, and he is even more trapped than before, his burden is even heavier than before, and his guilt grows faster and more terrible than before.  The same is true for every “sinner” who observed the first guy’s misery.

                If we want to be agents of change in this world, we must find a way to provide safe places for people to confess their porn addictions, prostitution habits, homosexual urges, petty crimes, not-so-petty crimes – anything that will destroy a person from within.  If we can acknowledge that confession is necessary, then let’s work at making it possible.  Maybe for your church that means a Samson Society.  Maybe it means an FMO group or other type of support group.  Maybe it means something completely different.  Whatever it is, let’s figure it out and make it happen.

                As a side note, I would just like to say once again how thankful I am for the people of my church and all my friends and family, who reacted with compassion and love to the disclosure of my husband’s sin.  Thank you for not lecturing or condemning.  Thank you for loving and supporting us through this journey.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Confession Part 1

                In my last post, I wrote about the importance of focusing on our hearts instead of our behavior.  I talked about Andy Stanley’s podcast series, It Came from Within, which is the same subject matter as his book Enemies of the Heart.  Most of the ideas in this post come directly from Stanley’s podcast.

                The first “enemy of the heart” that Stanley covers is guilt.  Guilt creeps into my heart when I wrong someone else.  Guilt is anger and disappointment with myself.  I messed up; I let myself down; I let you down; I let God down; I failed.  That anger and disappointment become a weight that I carry around, and if I don’t resolve my guilt, that weight will follow me into every future relationship.

One way that guilt manifests itself is that it’s difficult to please a guilty person.  A guilty person subconsciously says, “I let myself down.  And since I didn’t meet my own expectations, I can’t allow you to meet my expectations, either.”

Another way that guilt manifests itself is that it often keeps us trapped in destructive behaviors.  Stanley gives the example of a student who cheats on a test.  If the child keeps his action a secret, how likely is it that he will cheat again?  It’s definitely a good possibility, even if the child feels a lot of remorse over his previous action.  But if the child chooses to confess that mistake to his teacher, what are the chances he will cheat again?  Not very high, right?  Facing the consequences of his poor choice will change his heart and his future choices. 

I believe that unconfessed guilt plays a huge role in porn addictions and other addictive behaviors.  The small amount of research I’ve read so far is consistent in saying that you simply cannot break an addiction on your own.  You must confess.  You must involve other people in your journey.  Keeping secrets will condemn you to failure again and again.

If you haven’t guessed it yet, confession is the spiritual discipline that resolves our guilt.  As Stanley says, “Guilt grows in the darkness and is dissipated by the light.”  James 5:16 says,  “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

The modern church has stressed the importance of confessing to God and forgotten the importance of confessing to other people.  Of course we need to confess to God and make sure that our relationship with him is clear of secrets.  (Yes, I am aware of how silly that sounds.  But we all like to pretend we can hide things from God at times, don’t we?)  The confession that brings about life change, however, is made to another person.  Bringing secrets into the light breaks their power; keeping secrets hidden requires dishonesty, deception, and duplicity, and the secrets just grow heavier as time goes on.

Confession to other people is essential to breaking the power of guilt.  But there are a couple of issues that make confession very challenging. 

First, we don’t want to confess because we want to avoid the consequences of our actions.  If we confess something “big,” there will most likely be a lot of relational pain and trauma.  There may be financial repercussions.  In the example of the student who cheated, there might be suspension from school and receiving a poor grade.  We can usually predict the consequences of our actions, and we dread them.  We work hard to avoid them.  The thought of voluntarily facing those consequences is foreign and seemingly insane.

However, if we truly want to change our behavior and – more importantly – heal our hearts, facing consequences is necessary.  Every parent understands the importance of consequences.  They teach us and shape us.  We learn our lessons in life by “reaping what we sow.”  If we truly want to be the best people we can be, we must volunteer to face the consequences of our poor choices head on.

Consider, too, that the consequences of our actions are usually tangible, immediate, and impact a handful of people.  Compare that to the consequences of concealment, which are intangible and therefore often difficult to predict or observe.  It’s easy to pretend that concealment is not having any effect on us at all.  But guilt that lurks under the radar, undetected and/or ignored, impacts most of our relationships throughout our whole lifetime.  It lingers, and it decays, slowly and steadily.  Our secrets eat away at us, day by day, year by year.  Which set of consequences is better?

                But even when we realize that facing the consequences of our actions is truly better for us than concealment, even if we find the courage to face those consequences, most of us don’t have a safe place to confess.

                And that is a topic I will discuss further in my next post.  J

Heart

                The other day I called a stranger an idiot.  Sometimes, I cuss without even having a good reason.  And there are times when I speak pretty rudely to other drivers.

                Of course, the other drivers can’t hear me.  And I was also in my car when I observed the idiot, so he didn’t hear me either.  And I don’t actually say the cuss words out loud; I just think them in my head.  So – no harm, no foul, right?

                I recently listened to a podcast series by Andy Stanley called It Came from Within.  The underlying premise is that our behavior is driven by what is in our hearts.  All those things we do that make us say, “I don’t know where that came from!” – they come from our hearts.  Matthew 12:34:  “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”  Proverbs 4:23:  “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

However, we give most of our attention to our behavior instead of what’s going on in our hearts.  Andy Stanley calls this practice “applying a filter.”  We all know that calling someone an idiot is going to lead us into trouble, so we have a filter in place that prevents us from doing so.  But as soon as we are removed from that person, the filter goes down and out of our mouths come the words that our hearts have already applied – “What an idiot!”  A disturbing example of this is that, according to a survey quoted by Andy Stanley, a large percentage of people would murder someone if they knew they could get away with it.  (?!)  Their filters keep them from committing murder because they understand the consequences of such an action.  But their hearts – their hearts have it all planned out already.

This concept really informs the issue of parenting.  Ironically (providentially?), I began reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp right after listening to Stanley’s podcast.  The book is based on the same premise, with a specific focus on parenting.  When a child misbehaves, do we focus on his behavior or on his heart?  If we don’t teach our kids to examine their hearts, we run the risk of teaching them how to form a really good filter for their really ugly hearts.

I am not satisfied with a good filter, for me or for my son.  I’m glad I don’t cuss out loud, but I don’t want to cuss in my head, either.  I want a pure heart, from which flow kindness and respect, even for idiots.

This concept is what makes Christianity so freeing.  Christianity is not a long list of do’s and don’ts, despite the many variations of such a list.  Christianity is not a long checklist of good deeds necessary for membership:  random act of kindness (check, moving on), give 10% to the church (check, moving on), forgive someone who hurt you (oops, better skip this one for now)… 

Christianity is about giving your heart to Christ.  End of checklist.

Christ is not interested in filters.  He is interested in hearts.  He doesn’t care about changing your behavior.  He cares about changing your heart.  He knows that if you will allow him to transform your heart, your behavior will follow because, “everything you do flows from [your heart].”  Your heart is primary; behavior is secondary.

This is freedom!  This is the gospel of grace! 

It’s that simple, and yet so complicated.  It’s done in an instant, and yet it won’t be finished after a lifetime of progress.  It’s not a list of things that you HAVE to do, but a list of things that you will begin to do naturally as your heart is transformed, piece by piece.

You see, when we give our hearts to Christ, we imagine that we have given him the whole thing.  But each of us has some things lurking and hiding in the dark corners of our hearts.  We might not even know that those places are there, much less be aware of what is hiding there.   Those behavioral slips – those breakdowns of our filters – can be keys to showing us what we are still holding back, unsurrendered to Christ’s transformative power.   

We can use our behavior to monitor our hearts.  When that cuss word pops out, examine what’s going on inside.  If you can’t break your porn addiction, examine what’s going on in your heart.  If you really don’t like a particular person, ask your heart why.  You can try to improve your filter if you’d like – “I won’t cuss.  I won’t cuss.  I SWEAR I won’t cuss!”  But if you focus your energy on merely improving your filter, your battle for better behavior will never end.  (See Colossians 2:22-23.)  If we instead turn our focus onto our hearts, we can address the underlying problems and our behavior will change accordingly.

Note that I said “if you will allow him to transform your heart.”  It is Christ that transforms us, but it is our job to surrender.  And surrender can be hard.  Those hidden vices are stubborn and don’t like to be scrubbed out of our hearts.  Andy Stanley’s podcast series talks about four enemies of the heart and the spiritual exercises that are required to get rid of them.  The remedies are spiritual exercises, disciplines that require dedication and perseverance.  They aren’t easy, and they aren’t quick.  But they are absolutely necessary if you want to fully surrender your heart to Christ.

In addition to the podcasts, Stanley wrote a book on the subject, called Enemies of the Heart.  I downloaded the podcasts from iTunes, but it doesn’t look like they are available anymore.  However, my pastors have been doing a sermon series based on the book, which you can listen to at westportchurch.org.  I would highly recommend pursuing any of these resources to learn what the four enemies are and which spiritual exercises correspond to them.

I will tell you that the first enemy is guilt, and I plan to blog more about the subject in my next post.  J

Reunion

                After 8 months and 12 days, my son got to see his dad last weekend.  Yay!!!!!!!

                I really expected that there would be some sort of negative backlash – anger, regression, fits when it was time to say goodbye…something.  But there wasn’t.  My son was just really excited to see his dad, didn’t ask a lot of questions, and took the new way of life in stride.  He is amazing.  God is amazing. 

                God has been so faithful to protect my son through this.  I can’t believe how resilient he is and how well he adapts to changes.  I know that part of it is childlike faith and innocence, but I also know that part of it is supernatural protection from God.  Thank you all for praying for him – I am confident your prayers have made a difference in his little life.

                The first reunion was actually two weekends ago.  This past weekend all three of us were able to go to the beach with my extended family.  It was a fabulous trip!  The weather was so mild that the water wasn’t too cold (although we didn’t get wet on purpose – but that’s another story!  J).  There was no wind; it felt more like a lucky summer day at the beach instead of the last weekend of October.  Amazing!  Again, God is so good.

                This reunion is a huge step forward in our journey, but the journey continues.  I will keep you updated as we go along, and again, THANK YOU for your prayers!!!

Rhythm of My Soul

     This is a song I wrote in college.  I stumbled across it last night and thought I would like to share it.  I don't remember the tune, though.  :(

Lord, how do I say what I'm feeling right now?
I'm lonely; I feel like I've lost you somehow.
I long for your arms to hold me so close
that your heartbeat is the rhythm of my soul.

Lord, I long for your voice to calm all of my fears. 
And I long for your hand to dry all of my tears.
I long for your sweet breath to fall on my cheek,
and to rest in your presence, humbled and weak.

     The only part of the song that I've remembered throughout the years is the imagery of being so close to God that his heartbeat is what motivates my soul.  If we all march to the beat of a different drum, I want my drum to be the one pounding in the heart of God.  May his concerns be my concerns, his passions be my passions, his music be my music, his heart be my heart. 

     So close to God that his heartbeat is the rhythm of my soul...that's what I want to be.

The Response

I am glad to write that I did not break my fast early.  I made it all night without eating, successfully skipping lunch and dinner.  I am glad that I did it; however, it was rough enough that I think I will stick to fasting just one meal at a time unless I have good reason to do otherwise.

So what was my reason for fasting two meals?  I started telling you about my visit with my friend, and my thoughts on the unanswered question of why God allows his loved ones to suffer.

During our discussion, my friend said that she does not have an answer to the question, but she does have a response.  Why don’t WE do something?  How can we call God cruel for standing by and allowing the African famine to continue, when we are standing by and allowing the African famine to continue?

Isn’t that a good question?

I’ve been wondering if perhaps God acts in proportion to our actions.  I think of the boy who gave his loaves and fishes to Jesus’ disciples, and Jesus fed more than 5000 people with that small amount of groceries.  Jesus could have conjured food out of nothing, but he waited for someone to say, “Here.  You can have what I’ve got.”  And then, and only then, he did the miracle.

Could it be that, if we truly desire for God to take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice, we must first take action against hunger, poverty, and injustice?  Could it be that we don’t see what he is already doing because we ourselves aren’t doing anything?

I don’t mean to judge harshly.  Americans are very generous people, and the friends who read this blog regularly have shown great generosity to me.  But as a society, as a whole, do we ever give sacrificially?  The boy who gave Jesus his lunch – gave up his lunch.  We have to assume he was willing to go hungry so that others might eat.  He didn’t give out of his surplus; he gave everything he had for that day, despite the suffering he would face because of it.

I think this is an area where we must follow God’s example.  God did not sit in Heaven, look down on suffering, and do nothing.  God left Heaven and joined in our suffering!  God took our suffering upon himself!  He did not take it away (why, oh why…oh, there’s that unanswerable question again…), but he jumped right in and took more than his fair share upon himself. 

When we see suffering, even if we can’t take it away, could we respond by sharing that suffering?  Could we take someone else’s pain upon ourselves, if only for a moment, a day, a meal?

That’s why I fasted yesterday.  I wanted to share in the suffering of the people who are starving in the Horn of Africa right now.  I know that it doesn’t make much sense – my skipping a couple of meals does not directly provide any relief to them or make any difference to anyone other than me.  But a constant ache of hunger is a constant reminder to pray.  And the more severe that ache, the more fervent the prayers.  And the more severe that ache, the more thankful I am for every bite of food I have available to put in my own mouth.

I am so thankful that I have never gone hungry, and I am in no danger of going hungry.  I have a kitchen that is stocked well enough to give me multiple options at every meal.  What a gift that is! 

Yesterday, I kept wondering how people survive on one meal a day.  There is the physical aspect, of course, but also the emotional aspects (grumpiness, unproductiveness, etc.).  I think the worst might be the psychological aspect of not having any hope for another meal.  My heart breaks at the thought.  I endured my hunger because I knew I could end it at any moment I chose.  The people in Africa do not have that luxury.  They are condemned to watch their children starve before their eyes.

God, why don’t you DO something? 

Bri, why don’t YOU do something?

Okay, I will.  This weekend, I am going to make a donation to World Vision to help with the hunger crisis in Africa.  I can’t give very much without causing financial problems for my own little family, but I can cut my grocery & eating out budget for the month, skip a few more lunches, and send the pre-determined savings off to someone who needs food so much more desperately than I do.  And I will pray that God will take my few meals and turn each of them into a meal for thousands.

Perhaps together, God and I CAN do something.  Will you join us?

The following is from mercyusa.org:

On July 20, 2011, the United Nations declared a famine in parts of Somalia.  …  In total, 4 million people are in crisis in Somalia, with 750,000 people at risk of death in the coming four months in the absence of adequate response. Tens of thousands of people have already died, over half of whom are children. Assuming current levels of response continue, famine is expected to spread further over the coming four months.

Malnutritional levels for children have soared.  In many regions of Somalia, 30% to 50% of the children are malnourished. The UN estimates that 29,000 children under the age of five have already died, while 640,000 Somali children are acutely malnourished and at risk of dying, unless helped immediately!

                Here is a link to donate to World Vision.

                The following is from Isaiah 58:

“Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
   only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
   and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
   a day acceptable to the LORD?
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
   and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
   and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.”