Perseverance

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4

I have these verses taped to my bathroom mirror and have had for over a year.  I’ve always thought that James was a little bit crazy for writing this.  “Pure joy” is facing trials of many kinds?!  The man must have been certifiably insane.  Seriously, the ridiculousness of the suggestion is astounding.  Who has joy in the face of trials?  It’s not reasonable.

I think it’s easy to misinterpret this verse as a call to deny reality.  When problems come, we should rejoice instead of despair because we know that God will use the situation for our good.  So be happy that your husband cheated on you!  Celebrate your diagnosis of a chronic disease!

Uhh…no thanks.  If that’s what these verses mean, count me out.

After my husband’s arrest, I glared at these verses on my mirror.  I remember thinking that I would never thank God for what had happened.  I could go along with it (I didn’t have much choice, after all), I could trust him to bring good out of it, I could agree with my head if not my heart that God knows best, but I would never rejoice in it.  Never.

Months passed, and I found myself one day saying “Thank you.”  I was surprised.  Was I really thanking God for what happened?  I clarified that I was thanking God for the good he has already brought about, but not for allowing my husband to be arrested.  But I was more aware of the changes in my heart.  I realized I was no longer glaring when I looked at the verses on the mirror.

I have since reached a place where I do thank God for the arrest itself.  I am thankful to him for doing what I could never have done.  I still wish there had been another way, a way that would not have caused so many innocent people so much pain, but I don’t know what they way would have been.  After just a few months, I can honestly say that I am glad my husband was arrested.

I still don’t consider what happened “pure joy,” and I don’t think I ever will.  But the rest of the passage has come to life for me in amazing ways.  I have grown and matured so much in the past few months.  I have learned so much and have an increased awareness of and sensitivity to spiritual issues around me.  By no means do I consider myself “mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  I don’t think that will ever happen.  But I’m on my way that direction, and I like it - despite the pain and trauma that jumpstarted the process.

Why can’t we jump to the maturity and completeness without the perseverance?  I long to keep growing the way I have been, but I dread the future “trials of many kinds” that might get me there.  I want the growth, but I don’t want the pain.  Why does it have to be a package deal?

I know that my character is so much more important to God than my circumstances.  There are times when I say, “God, I want to be mature.  I want to be complete.  Please use my circumstances to refine my character.”  And then I realize that I’m basically asking for more pain and trials of many kinds…and I adjust my prayer a bit.  “Wait, I didn’t really mean that…”

I’m not quite ready to say, “Bring it on.”  I don’t really want more challenging circumstances in my life.  But I do want the maturity and wisdom that such circumstances can bring.  And I know that rejoicing in trials does not mean there is no pain – the joy does not replace the pain but instead exists beside it - joy and pain linked together in an inexplicable conundrum.  I still don’t understand why God chooses to use tragedy as the training ground for maturity, but I am now able to truly rejoice about the growth I have experienced as a result of the tragedy in my life.

Letter to the church

I wrote this letter to our church as they wrestle with the idea of my husband attending services again.  I post it here because I think it can apply to The Church as a whole, as well.

                For ten years I prayed that God would take away my husband’s porn addiction.  I believed that God wanted him to be porn-free, I desperately wanted him to be porn-free, and I believed that he sincerely wanted to be free of porn as well.  Isn’t that the formula for answered prayers – pray in agreement with God, pray in agreement with each other, and it “shall be given unto you?”

When my husband was arrested, I knew that God was finally answering my prayer.  But I didn’t understand why he chose to do it this way.  It seemed that a quiet healing would have been much better than the publicity of an arrest.  So many people were hurt, and so much shame was brought on the name of Christ and on my family.  How could this possibly be the best thing for anyone?

It has taken a long time, but I’ve come to realize that God loves us too much to give us a quick fix.  Taking away my husband's addiction would have fixed his behavior, but it wouldn’t have done anything to fix his heart.  As painful and shameful as his arrest has been, I am grateful that God was willing to do whatever it took to capture his heart.

And capture his heart he has.  My husband is reading his Bible, praying, and talking about God like he has never done before.  Instead of pride and defensiveness, he shows humility and a willingness to look honestly at himself.  Instead of anger, he has peace.  Instead of judging others, he extends grace and patience.  He is truly a different man than he was a year ago.  It’s not just his behavior that has changed, his heart has been transformed as well.

I also have a suspicion that the publicity of his arrest and healing was for your benefit.  As messy as this situation is, this is your chance to show the grace of God to our community.  Over the past year, the church has come together in support of my family in amazing ways.  You have truly reflected the beauty of Christ and his church, and I thank you for the love and support offered to me and my family. 

I ask that this extension of grace continue as my husband returns to our congregation.  I ask that you look not only at his faults, but also at what God is doing in his heart.  I invite you to use our story to share with others the love, grace, and forgiveness of Christ.  I ask that you become part of bringing a beautiful ending to a story with such an ugly beginning.

With affection and appreciation.

Unable

                The past couple of months have been tough.  Can I just say that reconciliation is hard?  I feel like I have the best circumstances for reconciliation; I want to reconcile, my husband wants to reconcile, my husband is doing the work he needs to do and making the changes he needs to make.  And yet it’s still stinking hard! 

                I think I had the idea that as long as my husband was progressing and growing, our relationship would progress as well.  It took me a few weeks to realize that it wasn’t going to be that easy, and another week or two to reach the point where I honestly wondered if reconciliation would ever be possible.  I wondered if our marriage and my heart were so broken that no amount of time or growth on his part would be able to mend them. 

                In other words, I reached a point where I said, “God, I don’t think I can do this.  I thought I would be able to, but I was wrong.  I am unable to reconcile fully with my husband.  I just can’t do it.” 

                And that’s where God stepped in.

                See, when we reach the end of ourselves and our own abilities, God is there waiting for us.  When we’ve exhausted our own efforts and strengths, we realize that he is ready for us to start relying on him instead of on ourselves.

               

Of course, we have a choice when we reach that point.  All too often, especially in marriages, when we get to the point of realizing that we are not able to do what is asked of us, we give up.  We forget that if God has called us to something, he will make us able.  When we reach the end of ourselves, we need to remember to turn to God instead of just calling it quits.

When I am unable, God is able.  So now I can admit that I am unable to reconcile with my husband without despairing.  I can’t do what needs to be done, but I know that God can.  He will make me able to do what he has called me to do. 

And I’m actually thankful that I’m not able to reconcile with my husband on my own.  Because when the reconciliation happens, it will be all God.  I can’t take any credit for it.  I am too weak, too flawed, too broken to fix my marriage.  I am unable, but God is able. 

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.  Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.  On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly, we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

“And even if our [good news] is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  For the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the [good news] that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God…  For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in [the darkness] of our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

2 Corinthians 4:1-10, with a bit of paraphrase thrown in

Emotions

                Today is the one year anniversary of my husband’s arrest.  I thought I was going to be an emotional mess this week, but I’ve actually held it together better than expected.  Yay!

                We talked a lot about negative emotions at a recent counseling session.  Of course, our counselor would say there are no negative emotions or positive emotions; there are just emotions.  But for the sake of easy communication, I’m going to keep referring to “negative emotions” and trust that you know what I mean.  J

                Many of us have a tendency to get rid of negative emotions as soon as possible, whether they are our own emotions or someone else’s.  If someone is sad, we try to cheer them up.  If someone is anxious, we try to ease their worries. 

My guess is that you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with that?”  Even though these attempts to change someone’s emotions are meant to help that person, they can actually accomplish quite the opposite.

                Our counselor explained it by saying that emotions are meant to be transient.  Emotions are felt in the moment, and when another moment comes along, a new emotion replaces the old one.  Sometimes moments are more like seasons, such as a season of grief, but even seasons have varied moments that bring varied emotions with them.

                The danger of getting rid of negative emotions too quickly is that we can actually be denying or avoiding them.  When an emotion is dealt with in the moment, it passes with the moment.  But when an emotion is pushed to the side and ignored, we end up carrying it with us into future moments and seasons.  The longer we deny our negative emotions, the less transient they become, and the harder it is for us to shake them for good.

                We need to give ourselves and others permission to feel our emotions fully.  If you have a reason to be sad, it’s okay to be fully sad.  If you are grieving, it’s okay to fully grieve.  The way to get rid of negative emotions is to feel them fully, let them run their course, and they will change at the right moment.

                If sadness is an appropriate response to a situation, allow your friend (or yourself) to be sad.  Don’t attempt to change the emotion; validate it.  Anxiety is normal in moments of uncertainty, so instead of trying to ease someone’s worries, empathize by saying, “I’d be pretty anxious if I were in your shoes, too.” 

                A response to this theory is that allowing ourselves to be negative will result in us being negative, depressed people.  “If I allow myself to be sad for a season, I’m not being the positive person I want to be,” for example.  Again, if you have a valid reason to be sad, the best way to get rid of your sadness is to feel it fully.  It’s counter-intuitive, but denying and avoiding your sadness is what makes it stick around longer.  If you want to be a positive person, then allow yourself to be sad when the moment calls for it! 

I’m probably over-simplifying things here.  I’m not a counselor, and if processing negative emotions is something that you struggle with, please know that I am not trying to minimize your struggle or offer a quick fix.  This post is not meant for people who struggle with depression, but for those of us who strive to be “positive” even when we are feeling “negative.”

Basically what I’m saying is, let’s not try to “fix” our emotions.  Let’s give ourselves and others permission to feel negative emotions when it’s appropriate.  Instead of denying or attempting to change how we’re feeling, let’s validate and empathize with those emotions.  Let’s “feel it fully,” no matter what “it” is.

Retreat

                I’ve been avoiding writing another blog entry.  I could say that I’ve been too busy – that working on my relationship with my husband is taking up a lot of time that I used to use for writing.  There is a sense in which that is true, but it is also true that I have been playing a lot of Scramble with Friends and Hanging with Friends and reading Agatha Christie novels. 

                The truth is – working on my marriage is hard.  It is highly emotional and leaves me exhausted.  I have a lot of things to process, and less time by myself to process them.  It’s been a difficult month. 

                I’ve taken that exhaustion and emotional stress and retreated into myself (and my iPod).  That’s not healthy.  I know it.  And yet I’m still doing it.  It’s valid to need a break.  But withdrawing and avoidance puts distance in relationships, leaves my responsibilities underdone which affects others, and doesn’t even really help me resolve my emotions or reenergize. 

                At church on Sunday I realized I was just going through the motions.  I was singing words with my mouth but not with my heart.  I was there in body, but my spirit was still retreating.

                I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be present – body, mind, and spirit.  I don’t want to get stuck in retreat mode and miss out on the joys that are right in front of me.  I don’t want to be sloppy in my responsibilities and force others to step in and pick up the pieces.

                So I guess that means my retreat is over.  (Insert heavy sigh.)  It’s time to muster what energy I can and head back into the fray.  I’ll still need breaks, but hopefully I can figure out some healthy ways to reenergize instead of just avoiding…everything.

No, wait – I’ve got a Scramble game waiting for me.  I can stop retreating tomorrow, right?  J

Year in Review

            Flashback to January 2011:  My husband and I had gone to marriage counseling in the fall.  I had more hope than ever that his porn addiction was a thing of the past.  Business seemed to be picking up, as well.  Our marriage had a brighter outlook than ever before, and our business had a brighter outlook than ever before.  I expected 2011 to be our best year yet.

February:  My husband was arrested on February 9.  All my expectations for the future were gone, lost to an overwhelming uncertainty.  I grieved hard and had no idea how to move forward.  It wasn’t one day at a time; it was one task at a time. 

March:  My husband was in jail for his birthday and my own.  I hit several low points, including one that made me want a divorce.  I had to deal with selling the business assets and wrapping up other business affairs, which was incredibly stressful.  The future was still completely unknown, but I was beginning to stabilize.

April:  The absolute highlight of the year was my son’s birthday party.  Watching him dance up and down the aisles at Chuck E. Cheese and then stop to whisper in my ear, “I’m so happy,” are memories I will cherish forever.  I began counseling both with a counselor and with the Hidden Hurt group.  I began to have peace about the situation, even though my life was still in limbo.

May:  My husband began to change.  He lost his defensiveness and gained a new love for God.  I changed from wanting a divorce to wanting a separation, to see if these changes would last when he rejoined “the real world.”

June:  My husband was released from jail on June 10.  The rest of the month was pretty rough as we handled some tough conversations and dealt with fresh hurts.  My sister’s family flew in from out of town and we enjoyed some great visits.

July:  We had even more time with extended family.  I rejoiced in actually having a summer!  Working a part-time job instead of 45-60 hrs/week over the summer was heavenly.  We filed our bankruptcy in July, which was actually a lot less painful than I expected.

August:  Things got rocky in my marriage again.  I didn’t let go of hope, but uncertainty didn’t let go of me, either.

September:  My son started kindergarten and loved it!  My husband began proving that he could sustain his changed behavior over time, and I regained some of my hope for the future.

October:  My son was finally reunited with his dad!  To me, this was the biggest step forward so far.  We had a wonderful weekend at the coast with my parents and grandparents, and I realized I wanted a second chance to have a future with my husband.

November:  We began marriage counseling again.  The process of restarting a marriage is pretty tricky, and we definitely experienced ups and downs.

December:  Our separation ended six months after my husband’s release, when he was allowed to move home over weekends.  Just in time for Christmas, he moved home permanently.  My son is very excited to have his dad home again.  We are now trying to figure out a new pattern of life that incorporates the regulations that come with being a registered sex offender.  We are still working out how to live together again, and with healthy communication and boundaries this time.  We’re making lots of mistakes, but we are moving forward.

2011 is undoubtedly the hardest year I have ever lived through.  I have experienced more pain and loss and uncertainty this year than ever before in my life.  And yet I’ve also experienced more growth.  I feel freer, more alive, more at peace than I can remember feeling before.  I think I’ve learned more about myself and about God than ever before.  This has been the hardest year, for sure.  But am I crazy to say that, in some ways, it’s also been the best?

So what will 2012 hold?  Who knows?!  I’m pretty sure there will be pain.  Definitely some struggles.  Hopefully not too many more losses.  Hopefully a renewed relationship with my husband.  Definitely some laughs with my son.  Definitely some love to share with amazing friends and family members.  Hopefully a closer relationship with God who never ceases to surprise me.  And probably a few more blog entries.  J

Happy New Year!

Confession Part 2

                In my last post I discussed the need for confessing to other people as a way to deal with our guilt.  The concept came from Andy Stanley’s podcast series, It Came from Within, which encourages us to focus on our hearts as the source for everything we do.  I ended with the challenging statement that most of us don’t have a safe place to confess.

                Generally speaking, churches are not safe places for confession.  When a “good Christian” hears a confession, he recoils in disgust at such behavior.  He demands that the behavior change immediately.  He questions the “sinner’s” salvation, since you can’t be a Christian and do that. 

                Here’s how Nate Larkin puts it in his book Samson and the Pirate Monks:

You’ve probably seen that poor fellow who decided one day to be honest in a Christian meeting.  Maybe he’d been caught in a sin, so he really had nothing left to lose, or perhaps he was so plagued by guilt that he decided to take the church’s rhetoric about grace and forgiveness at face value and bare his soul in a desperate bid for freedom.

I remember a guy who did that.  As soon as the fateful words were uttered he looked around, hoping somebody would say, “Me, too,” but all he heard were crickets.  After a pause, a curious investigator launched into spiritual cross-examination.  Then a few concerned “ex-sinners” gathered around him and preached a series of sermons disguised as prayers.  Finally, a helpful brother prescribed three Scripture verses to be taken in the morning and at bedtime.  Later, the guy was assigned to a probation officer – excuse me, an “accountability partner” – who would check in on him for a few weeks to make sure he had actually turned around.

In all this religious activity, he heard this message loud and clear:  “You have lost status, boy.  For the foreseeable future, you can forget about being a leader in this group, or even a trusted member.  Maybe later, if you can demonstrate that you have been fully rehabilitated and if you promise never to speak that way again, we will consider reinstating your membership.”

To make matters worse, as he left the meeting that poor guy was struck by the realization that he had just volunteered to become the church’s new topic of conversation.  Suddenly he knew that telephone lines were already humming with the latest “prayer request.”  Next Sunday, his suspicions were confirmed.  The sidelong glances, the awkward silences, the careful distances kept by his former associates, their wives, and others, verified that his disclosure was now common currency in the congregation.

                This story makes me so sad.  Mostly because I know it’s true.  I can see myself in some of the church members represented.  Can you see yourself, too?

                Confession is tricky because it opens a huge can of worms called “Christians who still sin.”  How do we deal with that?  Which sins are acceptable to work on for a while, and which sins must be changed immediately?  Do we pray for the person, offer advice, demote him, carry on as usual, lecture him…???

                Samson and the Pirate Monks is the best book I have read so far that deals with this topic, even though you would have no clue from the title.  The first half of the book is Nate Larkin’s autobiography.  He was a pastor’s kid, and everyone considered him a saint.  But in reality, he just had a really good filter for a pretty ugly heart.  He became a pastor himself, but had enough sense to change careers after he hired his first prostitute.  He struggled with sexual sin throughout his kids’ entire childhoods, and he never told a soul.  He finally sought help from a sex addicts support group after his wife threatened to leave him.  The relationships he formed in that group transformed his heart and his life. 

                The second half of the book explains in some detail about the Samson Society, which he and several friends created at their church and which is now a nationwide fellowship.  According to samsonsociety.ning.com, “The Samson Society is a fellowship of Christian men who are serious about authenticity, community, humility & recovery - serious, not grave.  Samson guys are traveling companions on a great spiritual adventure, not grim pilgrims on a death march to personal holiness.”

                Basically, Larkin and his friends created a safe place for men to confess and journey together – honestly and authentically.  No guilt attached.  No demands for immediate change.  No lectures or demotions.  A place for men tired of carrying the weight of their guilt to finally hear other Christian men say, “Me, too.”

                I was very inspired by the book and would highly recommend it to anyone.  It is a very entertaining and engaging read; one of my favorite sentences is, “To make matters worse, I farted in church.”  Ha!

                So, to tie all these thoughts together, let me ask:  Can we change the culture of today’s churches?  Can we remember that the heart is what counts, not the behavior?  Can we agree to look past the repulsive behavior and look into the heart?  Can we acknowledge that someone brave enough to confess their ugly behavior has their heart pointed in the right direction?  When someone confesses, can the first words out of our mouths be, “I am so proud of you for having the courage to confess?”  Imagine the healing power those words could have on a heart that has long been burdened with guilt!

                If we condemn destructive behaviors upon hearing a confession, we are really encouraging the “sinner” – and everyone who is watching – to continue in secrecy and dishonesty.  This of course has the opposite effect of what we intended; instead of ceasing those behaviors, the “sinner” learns to hide them better, and he is even more trapped than before, his burden is even heavier than before, and his guilt grows faster and more terrible than before.  The same is true for every “sinner” who observed the first guy’s misery.

                If we want to be agents of change in this world, we must find a way to provide safe places for people to confess their porn addictions, prostitution habits, homosexual urges, petty crimes, not-so-petty crimes – anything that will destroy a person from within.  If we can acknowledge that confession is necessary, then let’s work at making it possible.  Maybe for your church that means a Samson Society.  Maybe it means an FMO group or other type of support group.  Maybe it means something completely different.  Whatever it is, let’s figure it out and make it happen.

                As a side note, I would just like to say once again how thankful I am for the people of my church and all my friends and family, who reacted with compassion and love to the disclosure of my husband’s sin.  Thank you for not lecturing or condemning.  Thank you for loving and supporting us through this journey.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.